You doze off to sleep as the fog horns blow,
Not knowing that the only crimson gift you’ll receive in the morning will be from your aunt Flo.
You wake on the day of St. Valentine;
to make yourself feel better you think, "at least I don't have the swine."
You sift through your Instagram feed - peppered with memes of President Trump,
Only to be jolted by several loud thumps.
You spring from your bed and race to the kitchen; eager to slurp up your caffe mocha,
When it occurs to you that the thumps you did hear were your neighbors above doing the horizontal polka.
You realize it’s couple’s day as you pull out some tissues,
And cower on the floor as you contemplate your daddy issues.
Then you stop and think: "I don’t have daddy issues" – a fact for which you should be glad,
As the only man who has been a positive part of your life is your dad.
You decide to pamper yourself by hopping in the shower and shaving your legs,
All the while thinking of how it’s about time you freeze your eggs.
You head into work dressed in all black - lost in a sea of coworkers wearing all red,
All the while thinking to yourself “I’d rather be dead.”
Then you realize there’s no need to be bitter,
After all you could be Marla Hooch – damn, what a hitter!
You look out the window and notice two homeless people dry humping, which is really quite scary...
As you think to yourself “WHEN THE FUCK WILL I MARRY.”
You sail through the rest of the day reminding yourself to smile...
...you’d rather be alone than opening church doors and seeing a Tinder douchetard you settled for at the end of the aisle.
You sit on your sofa and crack open a beer,
trying to forget that you haven't had sex in a year.
Then, you realize that no matter how far behind in life you may feel,
At least you’re not one of those baby calves they turn into veal.
So on this day, before you begin to feel lonely and proceed to huff and puff,
Always remember that you always have yourself…and you are enough.