Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Darling, is something bothering you?

Hello Folks, just dropping in for a few hot seconds to complain.  This Goop cleanse is MIZ and I've literally been drinking/ eating what resembles puke for the past 2 days.  I'm about to eat my keyboard.

This is as bad as it looks
The only things getting me through the week are:



Even though I'm in a GOOP haze I still don't like you Ashley

And this great view!

I hope you'll understand my intellect is that of a four year old at the moment so I'm going to go back to chugging my luke warm lemon water.  Be jealous.  Thank you very little, Gwyneth!

Have a hazy night. xo, Nige

Monday, June 27, 2011

Trashley the Bachelorette is about as cool as Gwyneth's Goop

It's Monday again and that means another evening of me lounging in Kristals' charmingly chic apartment watching Trashley the Bachelorette while Kristal and Annie slave over dinner.  I guarantee I'll spend more time staring at the dense fog blanketing the bay than I will at ChafeAshley and her incessant, intolerable hand motions and lip puckering.  I will keep a tally, however of how many times Trashley says Bentley throughout the show. So far: we're up to 4.

I had a great weekend.  Friday night I stayed in by myself (Trevor was in NYC) and watched DVR'd episodes of Pranked.  If you've never seen it I suggest you do: It will make you choke on your Smart Water.  Produced and hosted by the creators of College Humor, the show is a compilation of various youtube videos of people getting pranks pulled on them.  There is nothing more gratifying and funny than watching the American public get effed with.

On Saturday I hit up Funky Door Yoga for a Bikram class.  I have concluded that I am simply not meant to do yoga - just as I am not meant to have a debit card for longer than 2 weeks, or to have the right to text.  The instructor called me out about 7 times: I shart you not.

Bentley count: 6.   God Ashley, you are an IDIOT! And Bentley, you have no soul.

Love ya Nance!
Ok, back to my weekend.  On Saturday I went to an engagement party for two of my favorite friends Lydia and Andrew.  It was there that I ate my first hors d'oeuvre with mushrooms and got the chance to meet Nancy Pelosi, Andrew's aunt.  Turns out her daughter is named Alexandra so we talked about the various nicknames assigned to Alexandra.  For some reason saying the full 4 syllables of Alexandra is waaaay too difficult for people so I am called Al, Dra, Alex, BUNTING Nige, etc. I explained this to Nance and she giggled. She was very nice and a good listener.  

After the party Francesca, Eric, Dave, Shelley, Kristal and I (Jesus Kristin: we need boyfriends) went to Terzo for dinner.  AMAZING.  Phenomenal service, great ambiance and refreshing beverages.  Go there and try the: steak, hummus, and/or meatballs.  

Terzo is Coolzo
A coworker and I are starting a cleanse/ detox we found on Goop and I couldn't be less thrilled.  I went to W Foods and bought the ingredients for our lunch tomorrow (breakfast is warm water with lemon. tasty.) which includes salad, carrots, sesame oil, miso dressing, avocado, shallots, water, and some other dressing I can't think of.  It gets worse:  All of these ingredients are to be blended together in a blender so it will have the consistency of soup (more like puke).  Note to everyone I come in contact with for the next week: Don't eat around me.  or talk to me.  or look at me funny when I collapse.  Here's hoping I will look like G Paltrow in 10 days.  
GP: the sleek super snob from Spence.

BENTLEY COUNT: 8.  And we've got 56 minutes left.  you're killing me Ashley.  Just killing me. The Golden Gate Bridge is that way.

Now for one of my fave segments of TPSF: FuglyMuniShoes: I snapped these this morning.  She had it coming.  No thanks, Dr. Sholls.

You say Yellow, I say Buh-bye.

Have a complicated day; a day filled with complications.  xo Nige

oh my god.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Life without Music

Helloooo.  This weekend I went to Bar Bocce in Sausalito with some peeps and had so much fun.  If you go, order the meatball pizza.  Ben F from the Bachelorette also happened to be lunching there with his family as it was his sister's birthday.  I am an avid Bachelor/ Bachelorette watcher and I'm not proud of it.  The minute Annie made the announcement to the rest of the table that "Ben F" was in the house Kristal and I knew we had to meet him.  After all - we'd gone to great lengths to meet Rod Stewart, Bieber, Kobe, Vince Vaughn - Ben F was small potatoes.  True to form, we followed him when he got up to go to the bathroom and waited right outside the men's room for him to emerge.  The minute he did, we went in for the kill.  We told him how much we thought Ashley sucked.  He couldn't comment on that but he did tell Kristal he liked her glasses. That made one of us.

Ben F and Kristal R

It is a beautiful evening in San Francisco and Kristal is making dinner for Annie and me before we watch Ashley the Tard the Bachelorette.  This post is lame; just like Ashley.

Have a spectacular evening. xo, Nige

Friday, June 17, 2011

Kinky but I like it

Good morning freaks! Last night I went to a Poison and Motley Crüe concert with Bickford and Kristal. I generally dislike when people use this word but there is no other way to put it: it was Epic. I almost didn't go - seeing Motley Crüe live and SOBER sounded like chafe central, plus I have a cold.  But The ever-so-convincing Bickford convinced me it would be unreal and it was. I didn't even care that I was surrounded by sweaty, burly mid-aged men banging into me, their long hair flailing about. I actually felt in my element and I'm pretty sure Bickford and kristal did too.

Highlights of the evening:
-Bret Michaels sings Every Rose has it's Thorn. I don't care how cool you are, you know you love that song.
-Poisons’ guitar player embarks on a ten minute guitar solo. The guy has clearly done copious amounts of drugs in his day but somehow still rocks: he was phenomenal. 
Rock of Love's er... Poison's Bret Michaels

- The SexyUgly Tommy Lee kills it on the drums. And these aren’t just any drums. These are drums that are connected to a roller coaster-esque wheel which Tommy Lee and his chair are harnessed to. And this wasn’t just any wheel; it was a spinning wheel, propelling him upside down and round and round (sorry to steal your line Diana Ross.  Build a bridge and get over it you diva).
i love you tommy: and i've seen your roast about 56 times

Seeing how there aren’t many tacky over the top rock bands left I felt privileged to see these two bands perform. Aside from Bret Michaels botoxed mug and spray tanned 48 year old body I was super impressed. I don't claim to know a ton about music in general but I do know a lot about Guns ‘N Roses and the way Poison and Motley crüe performed was probably the closest thing to how GNR preformed back in their prime. It was because of this I had the best time and really took to sober headbanging.
Have a fetching weekend! xo, Nige

PS. I'd like to introduce you all to a little segment I call FuglyMuniShoes. I have been slyly snapping photos of heinous shoes I've come across on the bus in the am. 2 words Don't Pick:


vomit 2

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


my new breast friend
Well, I made it through my first sober weekend in quite a long time. It's easy for me to avoid drinking on weekdays because each day is fairly routine and by the end of the day I'm pretty unmotivated and too tired to rage. Weekends are a different story. I knew it was going to be difficult last weekend but I successfully did it! My sober summer premiered and it wasn't half as bad as I'd imagined. It certainly helps to have my bestie Kristal joining me in this endeavor and just seeing people's reactions upon learning of our sobriety makes this whole challenge well worth it. One gentleman who shall remain nameless dropped his champagne glass when he heard the news. It was On Friday night when I hit up OSHA on Union Street with my bro when I realized how invaluable water was going to be for me for the duration of my sobriety.  You know how when people quit smoking they still will need to hold a pen as they would a cigarette so as to mimic the act of smoking?  Well, water is my pen. I pounded glass after glass of water at dinner, not because I was trying to be healthy but because I needed to experience the sensation of picking up a glass, drinking from it and feeling the liquid go down my throat.  (that's what she said) Btw, OSHA is overrated, I give their pad thai a C+, at breast.

I woke up Saturday and was reminded of why I decided to take if easy for the Summer. The birds were chirping and the lambs were baa-ing and I felt like a million bucks. Mr. scary was nowhere in sight and I was refreshed and ready to shart the day. Kristal picked me up and we headed to Bikram. Big mistake. Big. Huge. Note to everyone who has a nose: Do not go to a Bikram class on a Saturday mid morning. Every single Marina local was in the 120 degree room sweating out the weed, alcohol and other toxins they had indulged in the night before. To put it bluntly, it smelled like kitty litter was oozing from their pores. It also didn't help that I had a lady who was eight months pregnant executing downward dog five inches away from my person. Game over. Kristal and I bolted and hit up the grove for brunch all the while dodging their signature mimosas with fresh squeezed OJ. We then made the trek to Marin to watch my 4yr old nephews t-ball game. Please enjoy these visuals:

Mac Attack on the left.  Baby Erkel on the right

After our stimulating day in the 'burbs, surrounded by oodles o' parents and 4-year old rambuncious children (sidenote: let me tell you: an afternoon with these little munchkins is a great dose of birth control) we contemplated what to do with the rest of our afternoon/ evening.

See Hangover 2 - Nah, People only gave it 2 stars
Go to Perry's - Nah, going to Perry's and not drinking is like waving lip injections in front of Lisa Rinna's face and telling her to go fly a kite
Go to Kristal's and watch a Lifetime movie - Nah, we're not that cliché


We sat in traffic and continued to brainstorm whilst at the same time prank calling our usual victims.  Amidst this childishness and confusion we learned of a dinner/ party at Sam's house.  We decided to go - how bad could sober headbanging be?  Certainly not as bad as watching "My Stepson, my Lover" on Lifetime on a Saturday.  We made the executive decision to go.  After all, sober headbanging could be fun, right?  Right?

We arrived at Sam's, pressed our ears against the front door, heard music blaring and dudes chanting.  Shart. This was going to be the ultimate test.  Despite a few temptations and cajoling from one Daniel Blaine, things went smoothly.  I found myself outside with the smokers a lot as it gave me a chance to break away from the games of quarters and beer pong going on inside.  Plus I got to listen in on peoples' ridic convos.  I got an earful from one dude about his quest to find the perfect running shoe.  In a word: the evening was entertaining.  Of course, I could've done without the Lions Den part: I was an awkward wallflower while every else tore up the dance floor.  Oh yes, and our late, late night stop at Mel's Diner was a little bit painful.  Imagine being stuck in a drunk tank, surrounded by chicken fingers and clam chowder SOBER.  All in all though: not such a bad weekend and I survived.

Sorry for the rambling, I'll make Sunday shart and sweet:  We went to Crissy field and laid out in a parking lot.  Enjoy these visuals:


picked up a Whole Foods sammy before CF

should be titled "I feel so chafe-like."  ps. I never thought I'd get allergies. but i did so stuff it.
never gets old

Trev and I watched Misery last night (starring Cathy Bates).  I'd seen it about 76 times but Annie Wilkes' psycho-ness still never fails to astound me.  See it if you haven't already.

Have a psychotic day.  xo, Nige

PS. Dear ABC execs/producers of the Bachelorette: Ashley?  Really?  It’s like watching the fat girl get voted prom queen...  For all you drinkers, I have a good one for you next week… Drink every time Ashley says the words Bentley, insecure, how I felt last week, overcome, disappointed that it was me?… OR every time she makes one of her annoying hand gestures whilst alluding to her blatant insecurity. I've had more fun watching my niece getting her diaper changed.  xo, Nige