Friday, September 30, 2011

Baby Steps

these are the most expensive egg rolls in the world.  It is a lobster egg roll and is worth $100.00.  Do you think they accept parents' credit card numbers? I need to have these.
I went to Perry's last night for a nightcap with some friends and we got to talking about my obsession with egg rolls.  There has been a lot of speculation going on with regard to my insatiable love for the E roll.  I would like to clear things up today and set the record straight once and for all. The following are questions I am asked a lot:

How old were you when you first knew you loved egg rolls?
I asked my mom about this once and she hung up on me so I am left to guesstimate myself.  I'd say I was about 6 when I first realized my passion for ER's.  Unless of course, Gerber made a baby egg roll formula in which case I was probably 7.5 months old.

Do you prefer the meat egg roll? (That's what she said) or the Veggie egg roll?
I do not discriminate against egg rolls.  And ever since the Civil Rights movement went down, neither should you.

Which restaurant in SF has your favorite egg rolls?
Aux Delice on Polk Street.  Simply magical... a bundle of amazingness wrapped in a crispy egg roll wrap. (or whatever you call it. don't shart with me)

its true!
Some friends have gone to great lengths to get to the bottom of my egg roll preoccupation.  Dr. Daniel Blaine has taken a psychological approach and alas, I think he is off. Way off. Please enjoy our gchat:

Daniel:  what is your obsession with egg rolls?
is it some weird penis obsession that manifests itself in the form of egg rolls, i.e. that is the only way you can deal with it is through your mouth not your yohoo
me:  they are like little presents, you can open them. But thank you for that, Freud.


Is Daniel the next Sigmund Freud?
It seems E Oakes also has an active imagination:
Emily:  have you ever had a sexual dream about an egg roll?
me: I'm going to be an egg roll for H-ween

There is really nothing to it, I just love the way egg rolls taste.. once they hit your lips, they're so good. (DEALBREAKER: incorporating overly quoted Old School lines into your writing, conversation, etc)
I plan to hit up Chinatown one Sunday and hop from restaurant to restaurant in hopes of finding the perfect EGG ROLL.  Stay tuned lambs.

Have a fruity weekend!!

                                                                  xo, Nige


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Whatever you say, STOVE. Are you an appliance?

come to me jungle friends
As I scoured the Muni bus this afternoon for Fugly Shoes, murses, dandruff, lice, jorts, skorts, pings & tings (pinky rings and toe rings) I sharted thinking about what to write about today.  I get most of my TPSF ideas while I am riding the muni.  Oftentimes I find myself lost in thought amongst the tiny old Asian ladies toting their Traitor Joes bags all the while scowling at me as I try and snap photos of their black sneakers, and men who look like they've been featured on To Catch a Predator once or thrice.  It's all so soothing, in an odd way.  I decided to write about some of my goals for the future and what I have done this week to accomplish them:

1. Get in awesome shape.  I joined Crunch because the only thing I've been crunching lately are Doritos and egg rolls.  Plus, working out at a gym in the Marina will give me prime access to some of the biggest D-Bags on the planet.  Great TPSF material.  Also, guys like girls who are in shape - which leads me to my next goal.
Join crunch. Work off that lunch.









2. Find a super hot, cool, creative, non-emoticon using, funny, non-albino, animal loving, triangle-playing musician boyfriend who will propose to me at PF Changs by slipping a Haribo gummi bear shaped diamond engagement ring in my egg roll.  Men love girls who can cook, so this week I learned how to make a real live quesadilla.  It was truly a magical moment when I watched my friend sink her teeth into my very first food concoction.  The earth moved and the angels wept.  (I used a female friend as my guinea pig; next victim: Ryan Gosling) ok. I sound shallow. I promise I'm not.

"When a boy comes over you should always have something baking." - Cher Horowitz
(credit: www.baxterbarktwice.com for giving me the idea to quote Clueless)
cher always knows breast










3. Find a job I love.  I started working at Comcast Sportsnet which might be the coolest place I've ever worked.  I am surrounded by producers, writers, reporters, athletes, sportscasters etc. which is all very exciting.  I have never been a huge sports fanatic, but I am interested in reporting and interviewing and this place is quenching my thirst for more knowledge on these subjects. Plus I have always had an affinity for Charles Barkley and Manute Bol (RIP lamby). Today I got to sit in on multiple live broadcasts of pro athletes being interviewed which I was fascinated by.  I could feel my pulse race and got a massive adrenalin rush as I watched the muscular lambs being interviewed.  I plan on going into work wearing full make-up, colorful suits and feathered hair from now on so I might be considered for a position as an actual reporter.  Also, working at Comcast sports will help me find that super hot, cool, non-emoticon using, funny, non-albino, animal loving, triangle-playing musician boyfriend who will propose to me at PF Changs by slipping a Haribo gummi bear shaped engagement ring in my egg roll because men love sports.   2 BIRDS: dead. Method of killing: 1 stone.                                                                   





Check these visuals from my first day:

I tried this drink with chia seeds in it for lunch.  do you think a chia pet will start growing inside of me now? (that's what she said)
30 Rock is playing throughout the office as Comcast sportsnet has just merged with NBC Sports. Score.  


Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman. 

Emmys.  I. want. one.
the lambchop in the middle is a pro boxer and i'm not talking about the canine variety
don't mind me gentlemen
hey boys.
Ok, enough about me.  I'd say it's about time for the TOE PICKS of the week.

DON'T PICK: Hair in your food like the one I found on my fry at my former favorite restaurant.
can you spot it?
♫ I found you in my bed,
How’d you wind up there?
You are a mystery,
little black curly hair.
Little black curly hair.
Little black, little black
Little black, little black
Little black curly hair. ♫
-PHEOBE BUFFAY



Don't Pick: MEN WHO WEAR PINKY RINGS AND NECKLACES.  We've been over this, turbos!
Ping and Macklace Man lunching at Perry's (translation: pinky ring and man necklace) = DOUBLE THREAT GUY
D0N'T PICK: GEL IN THE HAIR. seriously boyzzz - DON'T PICK THE GEL. DON'T PICK IT. (or spikes)
blugghh
Unless you're Snooki, this substance is WOMEN REPELLENT. just say no the Mel (man gel). that's what she said.

DON'T PICK: Murse + dirty shart shirt like this guy was sporting today
please note my awkward shadow.  TPSF goes undercover
DO PICK: BUMBLE & BUMBLE.  They gave me a free blow dry so I told Samantha I would help promote her product on TP. love you SAMMY
Bumble and Bumble: it penetrates from root to tip.
That's what she said.
DON'T PICK: Fake eyelashes.  They are a rip off in all senses of the phrase.  They are a rip off financially and they rip off your real eye lashes.  
thanks very little worms! I am the Hansel and Gretal of eyelashes.  Just follow the trail of eyelashes to the nearest PF Changs and you'll find me!!
DO PICK: BRIDESMAIDS - the movie. HIGHLARIOUS. I've seen it four times and can't get enough.  how relatable is Kristin Wiig's character? 
Always a bridesmaid... right ladies?
THIS LAST ONE IS YOUR CALL: I passed this store on Polk street last night.  Could be a Do Pick and could be a Don't Pick.  Depends on what you're into, freaks.
Have a day filled with good vibrations!
xo, Nige


PS. Please don't mind the giant gaps in this post.  I have spent an hour trying to get rid of them and they will not go away.  they are here forever, they will outlive us all.  thanks very little, BLOGGER, for making your site non-idiot proof! call me.


PMS.  It is a STUNNING night in San Francisco. Check it:







Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon

"I just want to be held."- Bart LeConey on a typical Sunday eve

I oftentimes wonder why Sunday's have the word "sun" in them.  Descriptively speaking, there is nothing very "sunny" about a Sunday.  Some are better than others, but for the most part Sunday's suck.  It is a day shrouded in dread, anxiety, and gloom.  Perhaps you may have had a wild weekend and embarrassed yourself by face planting in a bowl of peanuts at the bar or passing out in an elevator only to be awakened by the concierge threatening to call the police on you if you don't leave immediately. (Both  have happened to two of my nearest and dearest - names will not be revealed for obvious reasons) Or maybe you've got a ton of work e-mails to get to on Monday morning and an important meeting with an important client whose company and name you do not know.  Whatever the reason, for most people Sunday's are not ideal.  When the clock strikes 5 pm on Sunday and the sun sharts to set I immediately turn into a 6 year old worried child; kind of similar to the white, dazzling carriage in Cinderella the moment it turns into a pumpkin.
THE FACE OF SUNDAY BLUES
I did some research and found that the Urban dictionary definition of "Sunday blues" is the most fitting for how most people feel on a Sunday evening. For those of you who are in love and have hot, supportive significant others: this does not apply to you.  And I am extremely jealous and don't think it's fair I am extremely happy for you.  Don't shart with me. Here is my edited, PG version of UDs' def:

Sunday Blues

The most severe moment of a moral hangover. When you feel like you're dying on a sunday, often after a massive weekend, or just massive saturday night. You can do nothing but lie in bed and watch dvd's, maybe some light shopping and you crave affection from anyone.
As I sat on the sofa watching re-runs of The most shallow, lower class a-holes known to man Kardashian's last Sunday evening I got to thinking about ways to overcome Blue Sunday's.  Here are some suggestions:

1. First, get up.  Turn all the lights on.  The darker the room the darker your mood.  (when the room is dark it's likely to make you suffer from a bootleg version of Seasonal Depression Disorder.)

2. Go for a rulk (run+walk).  I have the benefit of living in a generally cheerful city so simply getting outside, walking around and seeing people walking their cute dogs, playing with their turtles and feeding their gold fish makes me happier.  That's right folks, a fishy family has a tank of gold fish outside of their house in Pac Heights:

hi girls

playing with pooches will help squash those sunday blues.  this little guy didn't know what day it was.
3.  Pluck those brows or rearrange that cowlick.  Do things you've been meaning to do during the week but haven't gotten around to.  Plucking your eye brows, for example requires focus and attention to detail.  You'll be so intent on ridding your mug of those stray brow hairs you won't have time to think about how embarrassed you are for acting like a monkey at that late night on Saturday or about any deadlines at work.
you can't control what day it is but you can control that uni brow.  have at it OSCAR!

4.  Write.  Sometimes the best way to get rid of Sunday anxiety or any anxiety in general is to write.  Whether it be a journal, a blog, a letter to your great aunt Edna, a shopping list or a telegram it is cathartic to write down your thoughts.
shart a journal!


5. Watch a funny flick.  My friend and I made the mistake of watching The Bridge two Sunday's ago which was a HUGE mistake.  For those of you who haven't heard of The Bridge, google it. I simply don't want to rehash the gory details because it's so disturbing. My point is: watch something light and funny on a Sunday.  Trade in Schindler's List for The Big Lebowski. Here are a couple funny movies I recommend for defeating Sharty Sundays.
Wet Hot American Summer
absolutely one of the best flicks of all time

OLD SCHOOL
Frank the Tank will help combat Sunday Scaries. this move never gets old. 
6.  If you're a distressed girl on a Sunday, grab a funny girlfriend, some snacks, a gossip mag and watch E! to occupy your time. Make sure one of the snacks is Haribo Gummi Bears.  These little guys always make a Sunday more Bearable.  If you're a dude, I'm not sure what to tell you: grab some gold bond, beef jerky, a jockstrap and watch Gladiator...?

hey sweethearts

the remedy for Sunday night stress
I hope my Sunday Survival tips helped!

I now bring you this weeks' edition of FuglyMuniShoes:
gags

we've been over this.  what is with the black sneaker fetish? unbecoming and creepy.

awkward
i actually thought these winnie the pooh socks were cute and i can't criticize a 4 yr old
are your shoes made out of plums?


Oh Hey Uncle Eddie. what a pleasure it is to ride the bus with you this morning
BONUS: I spend so much time in Walgreens I figured I may as well document some of my trips.  It  is with great enthusiasm I bring you: FuglyWalgreensShoes and improper Walgreens etiquette:
this isn't the club, snickerdoodle.  this is walgreens. people come here to pick up their allergy prescription. say yellow and wave good-bye.
don't pick up a bundle of panty liners during Walgreen's peak hours.  order them online or go in at 4 am. thx gf!
I hope everyone is having a hurtful day.  A day filled with hurt.

xo, Nige

PS. are any of my readers artistically inclined? wanna help me change the layout/ presentation of Toe Pick SF?  I want to make it look cooler.  I will pay you in Haribo gummi bears, egg rolls and give you a french braid cash if you help! e-mail me at ambuntin@gmail.com if you're interested.







Monday, September 12, 2011

Love and Marriage

Lydia and Aussie Andy AKA Andrew


Hope everyone had an awkward weekend.  I certainly did.  Well, awkward and insanely FUN.  As you know from my previous entry I attended the nuptials of Lydia and Andrew.  Their wedding took place at Cerro Pampa in Petaluma, a place I have become all too familiar with.  Click here for a memory refresher.  As I sipped my mint julep, looked for my shoes and took in the beautiful setting, people, dresses, flowers, etc. etc. I got to thinking about how I want my wedding to be.  I realize I am jumping the gun: I haven't really dated anyone in about 5 years, so mentally planning my wedding is a stretch but for the sake of entertainment just humor me, worms!

3 days later...

YUMMMAAAY
Ok, I am back. Sorry for the ADD. I finally went to Tacko last night - the new DELICIOUS Mexican joint on Fillmore street I had been dying to try.  It took me a while to get there - I almost ended up strolling into the Bay until Emily told me I had "gone too far" and that Fillmore was in the opposite direction of where I was walking.  I finally reached Tacko and met E Oakes.   As most of you all know, Ms. Emily is getting married in about a year so we talked a little bit about wedding planning which brings me back to my train of thought from three days ago: My Wedding.  Without further adieu I give you all the valuable wedding details of the <not so> soon to be Mrs. Figel.  Here's hoping my future fiance never reads this and calls off the wedding.

The Setting: Newport, Rhode Izland.  By the ocean.  I would like to have all of the dogs from The Potter League (a local animal shelter) chauffeured to the ceremony.  As everyone who reads Toe Pick knows, I love animals: especially dogs.  They make me so happy and they will be my most important attendees.  They will all be served doggy hor dourves (I will never know how to spell this word.  DON'T SHART WITH ME) with a dash of oregano and Evian with a twist of lemon.  They deserve it.  Guests will also include: Charles Barkley: my childhood idol, Sarah Silverman: one of my favorite comediennes, and Chuck Watson: my old Geometry teacher, who walks like a monkey and whose class I was in thrice: not only did he teach me that the 3rd time's a charm, but he also familiarized me with the words rhombus and trapezoid which sound funny.

GLORIOUS NEWPORT
COME TO ME JUNGLE FRIENDS (some members of my guest list)
The Band: Gun's N Roses.  That's right.  The greatest Band EVER will reunite for the sole purpose of playing at my nuptials. Axl will have reconstructive surgery to get his face back to how it used to be (Ahem, the botox is getting old AR, it will need to be drained from your face.  Oh - and your cornrows will be done away with as well.) In the middle of the ceremony Slash will exit and play his November Rain guitar solo, cigarette in mouth, hair flowing in the ocean breeze.  BTW, I just got a really funny mental picture of my mother, Lady Di shooting the shit with Axl. HA. Moving on.
oh haaay Slash
Side note: watch this video to be reminded of one of the single greatest guitar solos in the history of the world.


The Husband: A cross between George Clooney, Garrett Hedlund, Ryan Reynolds, LEO & Bradley Cooper. With Larry David's sense of humour.
you can make my Country Strong, Garret.  

+
thank christ you and Renee <always looks like she just ate a lemon> Zellweger called it quits 

+
George is Gorge

+
you can be the king of my world

+
i'm dyin' for ryan (wow, holy dealbreaker line. sorry about it)

+
i'll take LD's SOH only. thanks.
=
THE FUTURE MR. FIGEL

The Food: A ton of celebs get Mr. Wolfgang Puck to cater their nuptials.  Not I.  Mr. PF Chang himself will cater my wedding.  If you don't have a mini egg roll in your mouth you will be asked to leave.  I will make sure PF and the Chang's come up with multiple variations of egg rolls as well as multiple dipping sauces.
Thank you Mr. Chang.  I love your work.
i will ride off into the sunset on the PF Chang's horse

hello, lovers
At the end of the ceremony, instead of uncooked rice or rose petals, white Haribo Gummy Bears will be thrown at me and my husband Geogarbraleory (a meld of aforementioned celeb names).  I will catch most of them in my mouth.  And you will know it.

my favorite haribo
On a related note, my ring will be a diamond in the shape of a Haribo gummy bear and if I ever punch you in the face you will have an imprint of a Haribo bear in your forehead.  Sorry in advance.
you think they make a diamond like this in the shape of a Haribo Gummy?

Oh yes, and the dress: i would like for Carolina Herrera to design my dress.  (I'm copying Lydia)  I am being serious about this one. Call me, CH.  I will not wear shoes because I will lose them.

I know everyone is biting their nails in anticipation of this spectacular event.  Hopefully it will occur in Mr. PF Chang's lifetime otherwise, I will be SOL.

xo, Nige

PS.  On a much more serious note: I encourage all of you to text COVE to 20222 to donate $10 to Save Japan Dolphins/ Earth Island Institute. Help end the slaughter of more than 20,000 dolphins every year off the coast of Japan.  Additionally, text "DOLPHIN" to 441-41 to receive weekly alerts/updates on how you can help further.  This is an absolutely appalling reality and one I encourage everyone to learn more about.  I have been receiving these texts for the past year with only a general idea of the dolphin slaughter near Japan and decided to learn more about this heartbreaking truth.  See The Cove - it is hard to watch and will make you cry, but it is important to see. Please do anything you can to help end this cruel practice and save these intelligent, magnificent creatures.

MUST-SEE