Friday, October 21, 2011

Are you there God? It's me, the Queen of Dealbreakers...

Wanna dance?
I hope you all have enjoyed Dealbreaker Week.  It saddens me to see it end.  This week has been like Christmastime for me (minus the 2 earthquakes that hit SF today). I wanted to make you aware that the reason I love being exposed to all these dealbreaking people is it makes me feel more secure in my own dealbreaking tendencies.  That's right, as many of you all know - I am the QUEEN of dealbreakers.  It is only fair that after having devoted this week to calling Dealbreakoids out on their dealbreakers, that I enlighten you all with dealbreakers I have committed and continue to commit to this day.  I am about to throw myself under the bus just to make you freaks laugh. So, laugh away. PS. yes, the title of this post is inspired by a Judy Bloom book...dealbreaker?

NIGEL'S TOP 20 OWN PERSONAL DEALBREAKERS.

Dealbreaker#1: I call myself Nigel.  I call you that too.  I must admit, even I don't know who the f*ck Nigel is.
Dealbreaker #2: I have a valley girl/Northern/Southern accent all rolled into 1.  For example, instead of saying "bridge," I say "braaaahdge."  Lots of times people will ask me the name of my blog and I will respond, "Toe Pick" to which they will confusedly say "Toe Pag?" I am working on enunciating more and sounding more like Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air and less like Hilary.
Hilaraaaay
Dealbreaker #3: I am extremely awkward.  I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time.  If there is an awkward silence, I will announce it...
See, that was an awkward silence Toe-Pick style
DEALBREAKER # 4: I am a textaholic.
DEALBREAKER #5: I will drink all your water/Gatorade.  Don't even give me a sip.
sorry kristal!
DEALBREAKER #6: I repeat the shart out of things.  I am a parrot.  Hang out with me long enough and I will make you hate certain sayings, quotes, songs or jokes.
you know the songs Sweet Disposition and 40 Day Dream?  I made at least 6 people HATE them.
DEALBREAKER#7: If I have a crush on someone, he will know it.  You will know it.  Your great Aunt Edna will know it. Little Tommy the paperboy will know it. EVERYONE will know it.
DEALBREAKER#8: I always stay longer than I am supposed to.
DEALBREAKER#9: I am severely directionally challenged.  I've heard boys like girls who take the lead and know where they're going.  Well I can't and I don't.
where to? F if i know.
DEALBREAKER#10: I hate Grey's Anatomy, Pan Am, Parks and Rec, and mostly every TV show you like.  I'd rather watch America's Funniest Home Videos.  But - I will play it off like i like the popular shows, just to seem cool.
DEALBREAKER#11: I am pretty passionate about animal rights - boys seem to find this annoying. And girls do too... sorry Kristal.
DEALBREAKER#12: The only thing i can cook is ramen. and toast. Oh, and I made an egg once back in college.
Busy making ramen
 DEALBREAKER#13: Guys: It's okay, you can go take a shower.  I am going to sit here and go through your text messages and then confront you when you get out.
DEALBREAKER#14: My middle name is "Incessant"... I freak out if I don't get my way - I think it's because i wasn't breast fed enough as a baby.  I am always wanting more of what I want.  That also explains why I sucked my thumb for so long.
DEALBREAKER#15: I analyze things until they barely exist, especially boys.  "Do you think he didn't call because a tree fell on his cell phone? What do you think he meant when he asked me where I am from? Did he blink twice or thrice when he asked me if I have any pets?
DEALBREAKER#16: I have a pretty crooked sense of humor.  I play practical jokes on people like a 12 year old and find the grossest things funny. EX: I took this pic last Thanksgiving.  I flung creamed onions in my sister Elizabreath's hair and she walked around for an hour before she noticed.  But everyone else noticed and didn't think it was creamed onions....(if ya know what i mean). That's what you get for wearing a scrunchie, Elizabreath! 

DEALBREAKER:#17: I have a blog called Toe Pick AND I like the color pink. oops.

DEALBREAKER#17: I can't remember your name so I call you Nige.
DEALBREAKER#18: I blog about my break ups -->click here for a nice little refresher
DEALBREAKER#19: I like ABBA.
DEALBREAKER#20: I touch my hair a lot and I always get food on my face and/or person when I eat. WITHOUT FAIL.  It makes for pretty uncomfortable dates.

"You're very brave." Kristal texted me after she proof-read this entry.  "I could never do this."  Kristal is right.  This week has been particularly candid and some may have interpreted some of the material as being inappropriate.  Mom, I hope you aren't too appalled...just think of this as getting me one step closer to writing for SNL. love ya.

That concludes DEALBREAKER WEEK. Let us all bask in our Dealbreaking-ness together.  In the end, dealbreakers are what makes one unique and you may as well embrace them, even if you are a fugly muni shoe wearing, cursing, webbed handed, wife-beater wearing, murse carrying, power walking, in-door spitting, tongue-tied, virgin who produces white film on the sides of your mouth when you talk... It's better to be a Dealbreakoid than someone who brings nada to the mesa.  (nothing to the table.)

Have a stupendous weekend.

xo, Nige

Thursday, October 20, 2011

DEALBREAKERS for HER. PART 2

Sorry for not posting these yesterday.  If punctuality is a dealbreaker then I break a lot of deals. I am also in a hurry right now so this is definitely not as creative or as good as it should be. Lo siento! It is now time for the women to have their say.  I am quite impressed with the witty, thoughtful responses I received from my girls.  (DEALBREAKER: Girls who refer to their friends as "my girls."  Let's just not do that, OK? Ok.) Lets delve right in.

DEALBREAKERS FOR GIRLS:

-Guys who aggressively pursue me and try to take me out when you have a girlfriend.  Also, don't suggest I be your date to a wedding when your girlfriend is there.
Double Threat guy
-Wearing tank tops

-Having a small weanie
-Wearing white Havianas
-Wearing T-shirts/wife-beater under a button-down
-Talking to me about your fraternity (yes, that still happens)
-Sports Jersey's (I don't care if you're at the game or at a sports bar, if you don't play for the team don't wear the uniform.)
the only thing you should "sport" is a girdle
-Taking pride in not reading books (anonymous person: why are you friends with me again?)
-Liking girls who are still in college or girls who have fake breasteses
-Making less money than me
-Putting effort into your muscles
-Wearing Cargo pants/ anything with cargo pockets
-Having a bad name (ex: Rodger or Karl)
-Clubbing
-Long toe-nails
-Can't drive standard transmission vehicle
-Referring to a car as a ve-HICLE (in a really southern accent)
-Can't pump your own gas or change a tire.
-Pleated pants
-High and tight hair cuts (crew cuts), mullets, mo-hawks, rat tail etc.
-GUYS WHO POWER WALK (my personal fave)
can you please 'power walk' into oncoming traffic young sir?

-Having webbed feet/hands
-Being illiterate or inarticulate
-Men who weight less than me
-Men with heavy southern accents
-Men who don't have a mattress pad or know what one is.
-Men over 40 who haven't been engaged or married (total sketch, there are no "accidental" bachelors over 40 besides George Clooney)
-Being overly into yoga
Male Yoga... can you not do that

-Guys who do pilates
-Wearing guyliner
-Being nick-named "Party Boy" by your peers
-Having Hollywood hair
- Men who don't know how their parents met (Bad sign)
-Not knowing how to use a fork or knife properly
-Saying any of the following phrases: relax, chill out, just chill, calm down, it's not a big deal, don't freak out... saying any of these expressions directly correlates opposite reaction.
-Doesn't have a drivers license
-Naked farts
-Men who snuggle with their brothers
-Doesn't drink beer
-Guys who drink Amstel Light
-Bad acne
-BAD TEETH (big one, IMO)
-Makes judgements like "Do you really need another glass of wine?"
-Voicemails over 1 min long consisting of stories like his walk on the beach and finding you a pretty shell.
-Cheesy notes...inside a plastic Easter egg
-Overly aggressive AND excessive texts/calls/VM's/notes
-Overly revealing Facebook info page
-Texts about using the bathroom
-Virgin
-Spits indoors
-Selfish in the sack
-Socks in the sack
-Hair in ponytail
-Tongue tied
-Getting white film on the sides of mouth when talking too much and being belligerent
-Unkempt fingernails
-Stone-washed jeans
AC Slater?

-Tevas
-Plaid European Mankini's
-Anyone who can't shred...F-ing Joeys on the mountain (Thanks Franimal)
-Frosted tips
Frosted JT in his prime

-goatee, unibrow, chin pubes
stop it. 

-Saying "hope all is well' when signing off on an e-mail
-TRUST FUND BUMS
-When lady excuses herself to go to the bathroom don't ask what #.
-COGNA SHELL NECKLACES. GAG.
no me gusta

And there you have it fellas.  Please, please take note.  STAY TUNED for tomorrow's entry where I will be essentially roasting myself.  That's right: I will be enlightening you with all the dealbreakers I have committed/commit on a daily basis, and there are quite a few.  Is being too candid a dealbreaker? If so tomorrow's post is a COLOSSAL dealbreaker.

xo, Nige

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

It ain't bad, but it ain't San Francisco.

HAPPY DEALBREAKER TUESDAY!
I have done a whole lot of field work ever since TPSF originated.  By field work I mean I have gone above and beyond to snap photos of people's fugly muni shoes, murses, pinky rings, toe nails, eccentric outfits, etc. by scoping out the Muni, Walgreens, and streets of SF.  San Franciscans have provided me with no shortage of DEALBREAKERS over the past 5 months and to them I wish to say: Thank you.  Without you all I would not have any material! Who would've thought committing a DEALBREAKER would turn out to be a good thing?  It is with great pleasure that I induct all of you San Franciscans who involuntarily contributed to Toe Pick into TPSF's DEALBREAKER HALL OF FAME.  Ahhh, you gotta love the American Public.  Please enjoy these recaps.  (some photos are new and some are so good I have opted to recycle them)

DEALBREAKER 1.  Murses.  Murses have become a hot commodity among men in this city.  As hard as you try and pitch it as a "hip brief case," here at TPSF it is considered to be a masculine pocket book/nap sack slung across your person.  And that constitutes a dealbreaker.



DEALBREAKER#2: PINKY RINGS (Pings) Unless it is a signet, Pings are a dealbreaker.  So are Things. (Thumb rings).  I am not trying to be too Seinfield-esque, but a man who wears a thing or a ping is an instant goner.




DEALBREAKER # 3: Black Sneakers/ Fugly Shoes.  I have been over this a few times: Black sneakers (Bleakers) are the WORST.  They scream "I was on 'To Catch a Predator'," or "I'm a perv."  There is something about them that is overwhelmingly creepy.  And yet it seems every time I set foot on the Muni I am confronted by about 7 pairs of bleakers.  I am almost running out of space on my hard drive (or whatever) because it is so polluted with photos of black sneakers.  Have a look:



MALOG's (Man Clogs) are the bastard stepchild of Bleakers
black sneakers w/ eggshell blue laces=blugh. to the right: i bet the woman in the tory burch flats says "hey, Lady."


Here are more photos of Bad Bay Area Dealbreaking Shoes:







thanks Jane!


YOU SAY YELLOW, AND I WAVE GOOD BYE.


Ok, you get the picture.  Bad shoes are a major DEALBREAKER.

Dealbreaker #4: dressing in a way that draws negative attention to oneself.  Please observe:

pls take note of his dome.  that is not a hat, folks.

cross between Kathy Griffin and Steve Carell drenched in pepto

what.


go back into the "wolf den, buddy"

scarecrow?
DEALBREAKER #5...Gel Heads.  Gel does not belong in your hair.  In fact, it doesn't belong anywhere.  No girl wants to run her fingers through hair sopped in LA locks hair gel.  Also, it defines cheesey.  I have yet to meet a girl who has said, "I met this really hot guy.  He wears a lot of gel in his hair and it is SO hot."  Please, for the love of Gwendalyn toss that gel!



GEL
Last, but certainly not least: I spotted the biggest DEALBREAKER committer yesterday on the Muni and I couldn't wait to share it with you all.  it is as if God knew it was DEALBREAKER week here at TPSF and planted her/him right in front of me! There simply are no words.
OH. MY. GOD.

Please stay tuned for tomorrow's dealbreaker post when the girls will have their say re: dealbreakers. watch it boys. And as always please "like" my page on facebook by clicking here.  Appreciate the support.

Oh. Hi Seal and Dong.

xo, Nige