Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Hungry Fella? There ya go! (Nigel's SF Restaurant Reviews)


Saucy-lito
Hey there chickens!  Hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving.  I certainly did.  I went to the luminous town of Sausalito which is a gem of a place.  So quaint and unique.  My friends and I ventured out to a cute local bar after our feast and ran into this dealbreakoid.  He willfully let me snap a photo of him for TPSF.  Thanks Joel.
um about that sweater. could you not?
I have been in a food coma for the past couple days which explains this delayed posting.  Speaking of food, I haven't done any SF restaurant reviews in awhile, and if I ever want to get advertisers I should very well shart writing them.  (btw, I finally got rid of GoogleAd's - no more encouraging ad's for penile implants and Arabian Dating sites. SORRY to my male readers.) So, here's my feeble attempt at being a food critic.  I'd like to preface this with a little Lady Di anecdote:


 "STOP SPENDING ALL YOUR MONEY ON EGG ROLLS!" - Diana "Lady Di" Bunting
These words rang through my phone like a freight train last week.  One of the pitfalls of having your mother on Facebook is that all of your personal information is easily accessible to her  (or him if your mom is Jamie Lee Curtis).  I am obviously not shy about divulging details of my life but sometimes I'd rather have Muhammad Glasgovia (one of my random 1800 friends on fb whom I do not know) know my business than Lady Di.  Especially when I have this blog - or, as Brad Holden calls it, my "online diary."  It is with hesitation I tell you about these three divine restaurants I dined at for fear that my mom will scream at me for spending too much money eating out. "You need to stop going out to eat! Why don't you go to the grocery store and buy red beans and rice in bulk - you need to buy sustainable foods Alexandra," she has instructed me.
what i SHOULD eat, according to Lady Di - looks like worms


Bottom line: San Francisco is expensive.  It also has great restaurants - which creates a dilemma:  So many great places to eat and not enough cashflow.  Mom, I can assure you that I split each meal with a pal at each of the following restaurants and I only went to one of these places because I was on an awkward  date.  So don't fret.  

 A. Pane e Vino (click here, tard)

This place is amazing and reasonably priced.  I don't have a delicate pallet and I'm certainly no Julia Child, so my meal selections aren't too obscure - but seriously, I had the best bolognese I've ever had here and their tomato and mozzarella was to die for.  Also, I hear the pizza here is delectable too.  Located toward the end of Union (conveniently next to Crunch gym - which I believe is on purpose, to make patrons feel like fat asses), Pane e Vino is intimate, cozy and our waiter was a lamb.  It's a perfect place to go on a date with someone you like.  Kristal, W and I went here on a rainy Saturday night and it was marvelous.

B. TACKO (click here, Tard) I am obsessed with this place. I am. It's cheap, fresh, authentic Mexican food located on Fillmore street.  Owned by the ever so pleasant Nick of Nick's Crispy Tacos, you always leave Tacko feeling liked and satisfied.  Plus, they have outside seating - perfect for people watching, especially if the people you like to watch are fully decked Lululemon wearers, yuppie soccer moms walking their Pedigreed pups, and drunk gelheads stumbling to Mauna Loa.  Plus, Tacko is Nantucket - themed (hence the name tACKo) so it's like a prepsters' wet dream.  Run, don't Rulk (run+walk) to Tacko!
Recommend: Carnitas tacos (Nick's Way), San Francisco burrito, California Burrito (it has french fries in it - I shart you not.  It's supposedly really tasty, and if you're not trying to find a hot boyfriend I recommend chowing down on one.)
check out the Nantucket decor in Tacko, preppy pants
C. Out the Door (Click here, tard) I went here on an awk date once and for lunch the other day and it is amazing.  *Best imperial rolls I have ever had* (I like to refer to imperial rolls as the bitchy step sister of the egg roll - they rival each other in my mind.) Out the Door is like the less fancy version of the ever so popular and posh Slanted Door (I like to refer to it as the bastard stepchild of Slanted Door.) OTD boasts unique Vietnamese cuisine AND the waiter didn't mind that I called him Nigel.  So it's kind of like everyone wins.

Coming up on Toe Pick: the Art of Finding the Perfect x-mas tree and boyfriend.

Have a slanted day.

xo, Nige

PS.  My roommates and I are having an x-mas party.  Like the invite?

PMS.  One of my breast friends on the east coast asked me today if I would be out in San Francisco forever.  I hesitated - and said probably for at least a couple more years.  But seeing these two views today reminded me that I will be out here forever, probably. Most likely.
Can't beat this.  That's what he said.
Oh look above; it's a bird, it's a plane, it's the Mrs. Doubtfire House. <again> I almost got into an accident snapping this photo so I hope you appreciate it.  Please click here to be reminded of my adventures in the Mrs. Doubtfire House

PPPS.  Look what I found while I was unpacking!
indeed.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Toe Pick Mail!

Happy Thanksgiving week from me everyone here at TPSF headquarters!  Hope you like the new background and layout - Fall is my fourth favorite season.  In the spirit of giving thanks I thought it would be nice to make this weeks' theme all about thanking my readers for their support.
TOE PICK SF MAIL

Here at Toe Pick SF, I we love getting fan mail. Most e-mails I get are pleasant and complimentary but to be honest, I have gotten a couple not so friendly e-mails - some are critical and some are hostile. To those people I'd like to say: It's just a blog - not meant to be taken seriously, so chiiilll. And if you don't like it, then don't click on it: it's as simple as removing a pebble from your FuglyMuniShoe.  I will be featuring some of this hate mail later in the week - and in a way it will be like I'm giving thanks to you haters, because you've given me good content! So, thank you in advance.

OK, lets get sharted. This morning I got a particularly endearing e-mail from a gentleman praising Toe Pick.  He also expressed some concern though.  A few weeks back I featured Dealbreakers on Toe Pick.  Among the dealbreakers for ladies was "Guys who have a bad name such as Karl or Rodger." I did not anticipate one of my readers having both these names - so you can imagine my surprise when I received an e-mail from Karl Rodger himself.  Awkward. Have a look.


Hi Nige, love the blog.  Thought this one (http://www.toepicksf.com/2011/10/dealbreakers-for-her-part-2.html) was particularly funny until I read this:  “-Having a bad name (ex: Rodger or Karl)”

I got both of those names so do they cancel out or should I just hang ‘em up because I got no chance unless I change the name?

Honestly, what are the odds that you pulled those two names, spelled exactly correctly, out of thin air?  Did you go to Vanderbilt? Have you lived in NYC?  Grow up in DC? 

Not a nutjob, just trying to piece this together.

KWR

Description: Description: Rethinking the Boundaries
Karl W. Rodger


Dear Karl,

I apologize to you and I can assure you I was not implicating you when I deemed the names "Karl" and "Rodger" to be dealbreakers.  To be honest - these two names belong to two males a friend of mine went on dates with.  They both happened to be colossal chafes. Also, I found the spelling of the names to be noteworthy.  The names together actually have a pleasant ring - so do not head down to the courthouse to change your name.  And, do not take anything I write personally or seriously - I do, after all, call myself "Nige" and my middle names are Mary and Dorothea. And, you are getting your MBA at Duke - I am sure the ladies dig that.  (did i just write "dig that"? ugh) Anyway, thank you for reading, Karl. Oh, and to answer your question: I didn't go to Vandy - but I went to a football game there when you all played Ole Miss and my friends and I made the unwise decision to hit up the not so cool SAE house for a party where the only way I could get a beer was by knowing the SAE handshake: Now that was a dealbreaker.

xo, Nige

In other news, I finally moved into my new place and I am obsessed with it! Isn't she lovely?

hello lover

TOE PICK BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUTS!

Happy Birthday (last week) to my big brother - one of the coolest humans alive. love you Josiah! 


Have a slightly weird day.  xo, Nige


PS. Dear Leila, Sassy, Sarah, Emily, Barbara, Mignonne, Alexis, Dorris, Claire (and Moira- who like me didn't get her plane ticket in time),
I have been sitting on the sofa pouting all weekend wishing I was in Oxford with you all. I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be. Can't wait til February!!! LOVE YOU ALL.


PMS.  Sorry TPSF is suffering from a mild case of corniness and nostalgia this week - do you think I can take the Z-Pack for that?









Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Art of Prank Texting

Let me pick up where I left off.  A few worms dear friends of mine suggested I split up my oft lengthy (That's a really weird word to spell) posts into shorter segments so as to keep the reader's attention in a more effective manner.  Apparently my long posts cut into their facebooking/ gchatting time so for that I apologize.
hmph
As I mentioned in my last post, this week's theme is ADULTHOOD and my attempts to embrace it.  I have never been good with correspondence and communication - by correspondence/communication I mean e-mails, thank you notes, birthday cards, facebook messages, checking my voicemails, and returning phone calls.  In fact, I loathe most of these methods of communication.  This explains the 117 voicemails that sat in my mailbox up until last week and 7 blinking orange g-chats currently pulsing behind this Toe Pick post.  I do like texting though - and of course, I will respond to an important e-mail, but I use my discretion.  If a group of 11 friends are partaking in a mass e-mail about an upcoming party/dinner that goes on and on and on I am the person who chimes in with a "I'm in." and that's it.  

In an effort to remedy this shortcoming of mine and to be less socially inept I have really been focusing on returning friends' phone calls, e-mails, etc.  Also, I have begun to say "no" to invitations, instead of committing to something and then flaking when I realize I have said yes to 5 things.  Also, tomorrow is my brother's birthday and I got him a birthday card which I will be popping in the mailbox today.  If this gesture doesn't ooze adultness then I don't know what does.

This all sounds promising right? Well hold it right there.  Amidst this adult-like behavior is a ginormous UN-ADULT (is that a word? it is now) weakness of mine: PRANK TEXTING. As most of you know, I am obsessed with pranking - and if you don't know click here for a refresher. I am addicted to laughing and prank texting feeds this addiction.  There is nothing funnier and more satisfying than duping an unassuming male human with your girlfriends.  Having a depressing Sunday, ladies? Don't fret: Just follow these steps:

1) Gather around your TV room with 4 fun girlfriends and begin plotting your prank text.  It is important that the P.Text is organized and flawless before it is executed.  

2) Picking the victim: 
Picking the right victim is vital in delivering a successful prank.  The victim must be a male whom one of you knows and one of you doesn't - the one who doesn't know him will be the one who texts him.  I am oftentimes the texter, as I have a 540 number and no one in California knows a Virginia area code.  The victim must be:
a) Somewhat of a ladies man (or at least one who strives to be) and hits on girls a lot.  This will make the text more plausible as he will think it is one of the many chicks he tried to take home that weekend.
b) Must be gullible and have a good SOH.
c) Must be receptive to emoticons and lots of "LOL'S"
Prank texting is the ONLY time it is ok to use LOL or emoticons.
3) Now you're ready to prank text.  Always start off texting something light, I like to go with a simple "Hey you."  This always peaks the victims interest because it is a mixture of flirty, personal and obnoxious.  This initial text will almost ALWAYS be followed with the response: "Who is this? I lost all my numbers." or "I just got a new phone."  Your text back to this should convey annoyance and sadness that he could have the audacity to not remember who you are.  I like to add a sadface emoticon for good measure.  For example: "It's Bethany from Friday night. :("  If the victim does not respond in a timely manner it is good to throw in the double question mark. ??.  The question mark duo = EXTREME irritation.

Allow me to share with you some of my work.  This first example is a sequence of prank texts (sent to the same victim) that went on for about a week - please keep in mind, I am not the sole mastermind behind this, I had some help from my brilliantly funny gfriends. Oh and in case you are missing a brain chip, I am in the GREEN.





Ahhh. Such fun.

Here is another example:  This one is different because we were prank texting a guy from NYC, he is something of a socialite and lives on the Upper East Side so we had to nix the incessant "LOL's" and give the girl a sophisticated name like "Katie Montgomery."  Please enjoy:



Ok - you get the picture.  Please note that no one was harmed during the making of these prank texts - it was all in good fun.  

So, this post turned out to be longer than I anticipated - who knew my Prank Texting Manual would be so lengthy?  Do you think my prank texting tendencies will get in the way of my resolve to become an adult human? Ponder that for awhile.  

Have a superficial day!

xo, Nige

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Where the Streets have No Name

Adulthood.  Technically I entered it 10 years ago.  So why do I still feel and act like a 6 year old?  Over the past few weeks I have made an honest effort to act my age and do things one is supposed to as an adult human. Unfortunately, my attempts at being mature and adult-like have resulted in mini-crises.  Even when I did accomplish an adult task, it was immediately cancelled out by a completely un-adult act.  This week on TPSF I will feature the baby steps I have taken toward becoming more mature - and the inevitable struggles I endured along the way.

TIME TO GROW UP (and get a new 'do - more on that later)

Adult move # 1 : As I have mentioned on TPSF numerous times: I have no sense of direction. People make fun of me for it all the time. in an effort to prove them wrong and to prove to myself that I can successfully get from point A to Point B (like all adults do everyday) I decided to take a bus home from a friends house the other evening at about 10 pm.  I had taken about 4 cabs that day, and wanted to be responsible (like adults are supposed to be) and not spend anymore $ so I hopped on the creepy, disgusting Muni wrought with homeless people and drug addicts, especially after the clock strikes 7 pm  MUNI bus after having researched what bus line would get me back to Pac Heights.  Feeling like Bob Wiley and babystepping onto the bus, careful not to touch anything I strolled toward the back and sat near the only person aboard who appeared to have a full set of teeth.  I reached into my bag to pull out my phone, as I had seen the fugliest muni shoes I'd ever laid eyes on and I had to document it for your viewing pleasure.  The person sporting the fugly footwear shot me an evil look and as soon as my eyes met his I knew this was no time for fugly muni shoes snapping.  Envisioning myself ending up like the guy from Adventures in Babysitting who gets stabbed in the foot by a gang member on a bus, I figured it would be best to avoid any kind of contact/ conflict so I promptly put my phone away.

The best way I avoid eye contact is by sifting through my split ends so that is precisely what I did for the next 15 minutes of this lovely ride.  I must have been so immersed in my split-end perusal I failed to notice that the bus I was on was smack dab in the middle of the Tenderloin. For those of you who are not familiar with the Tenderloin, I believe Dave Chapelle described it best when he proclaimed: "The Tenderloin in San Francisco: There is nothing tender about that motherf*cking loin. You've got people smoking crack while sitting in front of Starbucks."

THE LOIN. nuff said. (credit: SF chronicle)

I asked full set of teeth guy why the bus wasn't in Pac Heights and he laughed in my face.  "You are nowhwere near Pac Heights, girl, " he cackled.  Turns out I had gotten on a bus going the complete opposite direction.  I began to huff and puff and freak out.  I went with my gut and got off at the next stop.  I emerged from the bus and was confronted with a scene not too far from what Dave Chappelle described.

My attire should be noted: I had gone on an interview earlier that day and was sporting my Ellen DeGeneres pantsuit, pearl earrings and a giant long champ bag.  I looked like a same sex oriented soccer mom with a suspicious cowlick.  I immediately went into panic/survival mode. I need to try and look like I fit in around here so I don't draw attention to myself I thought - as I attempted to confidently stroll past the masses of crackheads adorning the street. I messed my hair up and tried as hard as i could to hold back my tears of terror.  I could hear a gentleman walking behind me on the phone talking about me "There is a brave white girl down here - what the hell is she doing here?"  I turned around and noticed he was wearing a tie.  It was an ugly one, but at least it was a tie and not a dirty doo rag.

I couldn't hold my tears back any longer and started to cry as I asked him how to find a bus to Pac Heights.  "Walk with me," he instructed.  "You're brave to be down here so late at night.  Where are you from?"   Great, on top of being scared shitless I was now having to make small talk.  "Don't make eye contact with anyone," he warned as we walked past prostitutes and pimps.  Fortunately, making eye contact with anyone is not one of my strong suits so that was not a problem.

the lambchop who rescued me on that fateful night.  thanks Carlos Rafael
Long story shart, I finally made it home unscathed.  One good thing did come out of it: I realized how truly severe my problem with directions is and I have been spending a lot of time looking at maps over the last couple weeks.  I believe this experience has been instrumental in getting me closer to becoming an adult.

stay tuned for tomorrow's post where I will be sharing with you another failed attempt I made at acting like an adult woman human.

HOT TOEPICKS OF THE DAY:


1. I FINALLY GOT RID OF MY COWLICK THANKS TO SHANNON SMITH @ Descent Salon: 2185 Union Street, 415.440.6608.xo Thanks Shannon.




2. I made friends with a clown.
3. I picked up a pack of what I THOUGHT was the fruit variety Mentos but they turned out to be the cinammon kind: CHAFE!
4. I got a Badass fortune.

ok I'm out - have an awkward day!

xo, Nige

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Bend over and I'll show ya!

Do you ever watch the View? the show in general is a giant chafe but there was nothing on TV at the gym so I opted to watch it during my sixteen ninety minute work out on the elliptical.  The show begins with a segment entitled "Hot Topics" which gave me the inspiration to henceforth feature "Hot Toe Picks" at the beginning of each TPSF entry.  Congratulations, Elisabeth Hassleback - you are actually good for something besides being an annoying, whiny, unintelligent chafe.  Sorry, that was mean.  Without further adieu, I bring you the first installation of HOT TOE PICKS (a compilation of random thoughts coursing through my brain at the moment):

HOT TOE PICKS OF THE WEEK:
1. Kim Kardashian, the most superficial, shallow, irrelevant chafe the big butted reality star, filed for divorce from her no-name basketball player hubby Chris Humfries after only 72 days of wedded <unadulterated> non-bliss and a 10 million dollar wedding ceremony.  Chris: hang in there buddy.  This is a blessing in disguise.  I think I speak for most of the American public when I proclaim that we all wish we could legally divorce Kim K. Plus, you didn't really want Ray J's leftovers did ya?  

2. I saw Deadmau5 on Saturday night and was blown away.  if you have the opportunity to see him I suggest you do.  Absolutely unreal.
oh haay Deadmau5 (i still don't know how that translates into deadmouse.)

3.  I am having my hair chopped on Friday.  It's been 6 months since I have had a haircut. i know you are riveted by this information.

4. Today marks my 3 year anniversary of living in SF.  My how things have changed, actually - they haven't really.  I'm still single and I still have an insatiable love for egg rolls and my hair straightener.

5.  If I have to hear that Adele song "never mind I'll find someone like youuuu" one more time I am going to start twitching. Times up, A.

6.  Last night I gave the cute new waiter at Perry's my digits.  I have yet to hear from him.  Did I get clam chowder in my hair or something?

7.  On a scale of 1 to 10 the degree of how much my cowlick is annoying me today is a 9.99999.
i know how you feel Alfalfa. 
8. I officially offended a woman last Friday when I told her I was anti girls using Halloween as an excuse to dress like slores.  "So, what are you going to be?" I asked her.  "A playboy bunny." she responded.  awkward.

Ok moving on...  I babysat tonight and after the little tykes went to bed I found myself bored.  there were no egg rolls in the freezer and their dog whom I normally hang out with was sound asleep.  i picked up the latest issue of Vanity Fair earlier today and decided to attempt to read it.  My brother works for VF so i thought that out of respect for him I should put my US, People, and Life & Style aside and try and support his mag.  Boring.  The only thing I end up reading in VF is the final page wherein an obscure public figure is interviewed.  Below are my own personal responses to said interview questions.
  • What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
      Living in a world of incessant awkward silences and not having the social tools to squash them. Also, being trapped in an elevator with a large person with coffee breath.
  • Where would you like to live?
      In a tree house set deep in the woods somewhere in New Zealand and modeled after the home of the Berenstain Bears with a just few more amenities. and by amenities i mean egg rolls, p-funks, and Us weekly. 
    my dream house
    • What is your idea of earthly happiness?
        To be surrounded by friends, family, all animals, Ryan Reynolds, beachcombers, Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer, George Clooney and egg rolls in a haribo gummi bear factory in Bora Bora.
    • Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?
        Beavis&Butthead, Ren and Stimpy, Gumby, Teddy Ruxbin, Amelia Bedelia, and Eloise.
    • Who are your favorite characters in history?
        Hume 
    • Who are your favorite heroines in real life?
        My mother-Lady Di, and Jane Goodall.
      love ya momsie
      • Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
          Angelica from Rug Rats.  What a handful.
        moira, the human angelica

        you are anything but angelic,  Angelica
        • Your favorite painter?
            The dude with the big fro who says things like "Lets put a happy little cloud over here.  Oh and let's give him a little tree as a friend.  Therrre we go."  Oh and my mother is an amazing painter too.  
          MUAH
          • Your favorite musician?
              Axl Rose. Van Morrison.
          • The quality you most admire in a man?
              Sense of humour, lack of creepy black sneakers and v-necks, nice teeth, edgy and someone who will serve me haribo gummi bears for breakfast in bed.
          • The quality you most admire in a woman?
              Sense of humour, humility, kindness and I admire a woman who doesn't call me "Lady" or "girl."  also, I admire girls with good a-hole radar because mine is not very strong.
          • Your favorite virtue?
              kindness 
          • Your favorite occupation?
              writing, acting, dog-walking
          • Who would you have liked to be?
              Actress or veterinarian, Or a haribo gummibear packager.  
          • If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?  I would like to come back as a seahorse. 
          •  Your most marked characteristic? Humor, immaturity, awkwardness
          • What do you dislike most about your appearance? 
          • From the side I've been told I look like Juliette Lewis.  I also get Hilary Swank a lot.  Both observations are hurtful. 
          • Which living person do you most despise?                                                             Michael Vick is among the 3 people I dislike the most. 
          • What is the trait you most deplore in others? 
            Superficiality.
          • What do you most like in a man?                                                                                                           Didn't you already ask me this? I like men who don't still live in their parents basement.
          • blugh
          • What do you most value in your friends?                                                                                                  I like that they generally do not like the same people as me.
          • What is your principle defect?*
          • *I am not sure right now, but this bullet point to my left that I can't figure out how to delete is this blog entries' principle defect
          • Which words or phrases do you most overuse? 
            "Do you know what I mean?" or "For Sure." or "Totally."
          • What is your idea of happiness?
               Not having a cowlick.
          • What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?
          • Once again, my greatest misfortune presently is not being able to get rid of this bullet point to my left.  Thanks blogger.  Also, I think loneliness is a great misfortune.
          • What would you like to be?
              Bend over and I'll show you.
          • In what country would you like to live?
              Wherever Haribo Gummi bears are manufactured
          • What is your favorite color?
              I like black.
          • What is your favorite flower?
              snap dragons. i always make them talk.
            • What is your favorite bird?
                A vulcher. they don't give a sh*t, they are good sharers and they are always there to clean up a mess.  i like these qualities in my friends too.
            • Who are your favorite prose writers?
                do what now?
            • Who are your favorite poets?
                Vagina Wolfe.
            • Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
                Lady MacBeth.  What a pistol.
            • Who are your favorite heroines of fiction? Mrs. Doubtfire.
              • Who are your favorite composers?
                  Really?
              • Who are your heroes in real life?
                  My father.
              • Who are your favorite heroines of history?
                  Cleopatra
              • What are your favorite names?
                  Isabel. William.  Cate.  Nigel.  Gwyndalyn. Fortesque. Lynos.  Herbert.  TOMOTHAN.
              • What is it you most dislike?
                  any person who abuses, dislikes or is intolerant of animals.
              • What historical figures do you most despise?
                  I am not sufficiently educated to say
              • What natural gift would you most like to possess?
                  I would like to be a natural organizer with exceptional atTentiOn to deTAiL. also, i wish i could sing gospel 
              • How would you like to die?
                  choking on a haribo gummi bear and/or egg roll.
              • What is your present state of mind?
                  I am nervous that as the questionnaire has progressed my answers have become too serious for Toe Pick
              • What is your motto?  "Life is shart - spend it cackling.  Do you know what I mean?"  xo, Nige