Wednesday, December 21, 2011

What's an Egg Roll, Di?

"That's what you get for having a public blog, Alexandraaaa!" My mom scolded me in her ever so sophisticated, high pitched voice.

I slumped down into my chair at dinner, furrowed my brows and shrugged my shoulders as I looked to my visiting-from-Virginia parents for solace in the midst of my distress.  A phantom commenter who remains anonymous is persistently leaving nasty remarks on Toe Pick.  My advice to you: if you're going to consistently read Toe Pick and leave rude comments at least have the balls to reveal your name you tool.

"What is that substance?"  my dad asked, pointing to the moo shoo pork as I continued to whine to my mom.  Are you surprised that the first meal I ate with my parents upon their arrival to California was Chinese food? Me neither.
"Here, Siii," my mom said to my dad. "Try an egg roll."
"Why is it called an egg roll, Di?  What is an egg roll?" he asked in response.

This made me laugh.  In fact, it was the first time I had laughed all day - not sure what it was but from the moment I woke up and dropped my glass of OJ all over the kitchen floor I was doomed for the day.  Thank Christ it's over and as I lay here awaiting the new episode of Revenge I realize there are people in the world who have had far shittier days than mine today and I need to not sweat the small stuff.  And it is all small stuff. (remember that book?)  Furthermore - the fact that my family is altogether (minus Chawie) makes me happy.  Please enjoy these visuals of my nephews from dinner. What lambs!

My nephew Fin posing with the Owl he drew me. BACKSTORY: when Fin was a baby he couldn't say "Al" which is what my family calls me. SO he called me Auntie OWL, and still does (so do my nieces). Sometimes i have to remind them that I am not, in fact an owl.

Mackey

muffin
Anyway. Since it is the holidays and I have my folks in town I'm a bit distracted.  I apologize for this half ass entry.  I leave you with FuglyMuniShoes, FuglyMuniJeans and FuglyMuniHair.

Looks like Jerry Garcia has been gutting a pumpkin

perfectly coiffed.  also note the earrings: i don't like playing peek-a-boo through an ear lobe

a man rocking True Religion jeans is kiiind of not okay.
Friday is my BIRTHDAY! Eeeeeek. when I blow out the candles I am going to wish for a baby lamb.  That's right - I want a baby lamb for my birthday.  Don't shart with me.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! ( Here at TPSF, we like to be PC.)  I hope everyone has a blissfully happy Christmas or Kwanza.  Back to the Toe Pick grind next week.

xo, Nige. PS. As if this day couldn't get any worse - Revenge is a rerun. Humph.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Single in the City

It seems people like reading about dating, dealbreaker's and douche bags so I will try and roll all these topics into today's entry.
precisely
Singledom: I've been lost in it for the better part of my life.  I was single in middle school: while all my little teeny bopper friends were circling "yes" on those torn little notes with "will you go out with me?" scribbled on them by prepubescent, acne ridden twerps I was circling "no" or "maybe."  I was single throughout boarding school: While my dorm mates were sucking face with their boyfriends outside of dorm after study hall I was in my room making mixed tapes with my bestie and five-year roommate Moira. (that is, when Moira wasn't spoken for).  College: I was single throughout college too... OK, you get the picture.  I am not a relationship person - maybe it's because I'm super picky or maybe it's because I only go for the a-holes - but whatever the reason is, I am sharting to feel more single than I ever have.  With my 29th birthday approaching, and friends constantly getting married/engaged or pregnant I am realizing that my options are becoming more and more limited and my eggs are turning grey.  (does that happen?)

If I get one more facebook notification boasting the recent engagement of someone I am going to hurl my computer off the Golden Gate Bridge.  You know what wall post I'm referring to:
names have been blurred to protect the worms.
Blech.  I hope I don't sound like a bitter old lady. These instances that have occurred in the past week have only contributed to my distress:

I had my work Christmas party last Friday.  After being asked repeatedly by a colleague if I was was bringing a significant other I panicked.  I refuse to show up at this thing solo while everyone else has a date, I thought.  I thought about bringing one of my guy friends, but I knew any one of them I took would somehow embarrass me and I wanted to create a good impression with my new coworkers.  So, naturally - I brought Kristal.  "We only have to stop by for twenty minutes," I assured her on the phone.  Famous last words.

We showed up at the Christmas party which was held at the ever so fancy Town Hall.  Much to my non-surprise, there were a slew of couples mingling. It was as if we had walked into a jungle of monogamy: Husbands, wives, babies, boyfriends, girlfriends - oh my! I hadn't met a number of my coworkers so I had to introduce myself and Kristal.  "This is my friend, Kristin." I said, as I introduced her to our accounting woman. "She used to work at Conde Nast but is now studying to be a teacher.  She enjoys surfing and skiing in Tahoe." Holy. Shit.  The minute I uttered these words it became abundantly clear just how much I am in need of a boyfriend.  I had just introduced Kristal as if she was my boyfriend. Not okay. I spent much of the rest of the night talking about boys and trying to overcompensate for my lack of a cute male date.  What made matters worse was the fact that it was a seated dinner.  Kristin and I glanced down at our table and there were two calligraphy-ed name tags sitting side by side KRISTIN and ALEXANDRA. Long story shart - the "party" turned into a 4.5 hour dinner which was lovely, although Kristin deserves a medal for enduring it.  Note to self: This is the kind of shit you need a boyfriend for.
kristal and me. strapping.
Instance # 2: The other night there was a movie I really wanted to see called Shame, an indie film that got good reviews.  (ps. do not go and see it.  It is disturbing, awkward, creepy, depressing, anxiety-inducing and should be rated X)  I had just left work and it was playing in the building next to me.  There are times I enjoy being a loner - but going to the movies solo is awkward.  Whatever - I thought. Make like Nike and Just Do It. I bought my tiny large popcorn for one and set up shop in the theatre sparsely filled with scattered couples. I ate half the bag of popcorn and then <accidentally> knocked it over so I wouldn't eat anymore.  Pretty pathetic, I know.  If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't have to knock the popcorn over. Ryan Reynolds He would have been there to eat the rest of it. Maybe I should stop being so picky and accept that date from Borris Glephendain, a random Israelite I am friends with on facebook.

Ok - this sounds pathetic.  But not as pathetic as some of the following Chafes I spotted this week.  It's been too long since I featured HOT TOEPICKS of the week so lets get them sharted in here:

DON'T PICK:

1.) The green light + red hand combo. I have never been able to grasp the meaning of this so I always end up awkwardly and hesitatingly crossing the street with that song "Should I stay or should I got nowww?" ringing through my head.  Then I inevitably get honked at.  But really, do I stop or go?  Which is it? CHAFE.


2. I spotted this guy at the gym working out in front of me.  Sun tat + white wifebeater under tank top = Chafeville.


3. A woman in front of me on the bus this morning had her fly WIDE open.  I am not sure if it chafed me <figuratively> as much as it chafed her <literally>.

4. I have no words for this next chafe. None whatsoever.
my oh my
5. The reverse widows peak is never in style.
6. The Ronald McDonald Look is always a do.

I am sharting to feel like a creep with the amount of photo snapping I've been doing lately - the open fly picture in particular was quite risky of me to take. Oh, the things I will do in the name of Toe Pick. Let the hundreds of photos of FuglyMuniShoes, FuglyMuniHair, Do Picks, murses, pinky rings, Don't Picks, and chafes flooding my computer and iphone be a testament to how much I love writing this damn blog!  Thank you for humoring me and reading it.  I appreciate all your positive (and negative) feedback.

Have a chafeless day!

xo, Nige

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Comfortably Numb

Sunday Work Scaries: I hadn't experienced them in quite awhile, as I have been working as a personal assistant for the past couple of months and have not been confined to a cube for quite some time. Until today. (Incidentally, if you'd like to learn about how to squash Sunday Scaries please read my manual by clicking here) I was lucky enough to land a new job at a very cool, very San Francisco-esque shart start-up company and today was my first day.  Many of the thoughts coursing through my brain last night as I lay awake in bed anticipating the imminent awkwardness I would face on my first day at my new J-O-B were not dissimilar to those anxieties I had as a child before my first day of school.  Having completed my first day on the job successfully I can now answer each question I pondered last night confidently:

What do I wear?
That was easy.  My black Ann Taylor (Ellen DeGeneres-esque) pantsuit with a pink button down and high black heels.  The outfit was a perfect first day ensemble - well, everything but the painful shoes.  I ended up buying a pair of flats mid-day.

Will there be cute boys in the office?
I have been a single girl for five years and dwell in a primarily gay city; of course this thought entered my head.  But as I boarded the elevator up to the office it occurred to me: this is irrelevant. Stop being boy crazy, Alexandra. Focus.

What kind of office small-talk is appropriate?
Approp: Asking a colleague where he or she is from and how long he or she has been in San Francisco.  
Inapprop: Telling my new friend and cube-mate about my upcoming weekend with MacGruber.  NEWSFLASH: not everyone knows who MacGruber is, and showing a picture of him to someone you don't know doesn't clear things up; it only makes them more awkward - and causes the listener to smile oddly, nod and change the subject.
Oh hi, cube mate.  This is my date this weekend.
Do I eat at my desk or go out for lunch?
On my next first day I will go out for lunch. For sure.  Eating a plentiful salad topped with a variety of small toppings that easily got stuck in my teeth at my desk was not the option I should've chosen when I had people coming up to introduce themselves to me every 5 minutes. Awk.
Do I have something in my teeth?

Do I pull my hair back for my company head shot or leave it down?
I should've left it down.  My hair up coupled with the Ellen DeGeneres suit made me look like a young man... a young man with lettuce in his teeth.

If you know me, you know that the above instances and revelations were to be expected.  All in all, I had a great first day; and I feel I am making some headway in my quest to become less awkward.

One giant perk of working downtown again is I get to ride the muni bus everyday and snap photos of FuglyMuniShoes and dealbreakers for your viewing pleasure.  Today I am pleased to introduce to you a new segment on Toe Pick entitled FuglyMuniHair.  Enjoy!

Brandon? Brandon Walsh? is that you?
whenever I see a rat tail like this I kind of want to tug it and see if the person makes a weird noise
skunk'ed 
My friend told me last week that sometimes Toe Pick can come off as mean-spirited.  Hearing this was hurtful so I decided to try and remedy the situation by taking a picture of someone's hair I actually did like.  

pretty.

Here are some other pics I snapped last weekend. 

I went for a stroll down Maiden Lane which is my new favorite SF street
I found my new favorite egg roll at the house of Nan King. (pic doesn't do it justice)

PERRY CHRISTMAS! 
from Bart


Have an irrational day. xo, Nige

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

All you SF-ers: please attend the party of the Season this Saturday night!



Hey folks, just checking in to remind all you San Franciscan's to please come to BearFight XXXMas III party thrown by the fine young men of Bear Fight Productions: Ed Flores, Jon Wilcox, Chris Rotelli and Craig Hamburg.  It is sure to be a good one! Hope this message from the Bear Fight committee gets you pumped up:

Hi worms,
It's been quite the busy year in the North Pole, but not in a good way for any of you. If you're invited to this party, you've been permanently blackballed from Santa's "nice" list, and we're sad to report that the only thing you can look forward to this Christmas is a pile of coals you'll find burning in a trash can outside your living room. Not even the tallest glass of milk and cookies can save you now.

But don't you go worryin'!! The BearFight crew is here for you this holiday season so the bad kids get theirs. This 3rd annual holiday jam will feature fully stocked bars, wall to wall beats provided by San Francisco’s very own DJ Morale and special guests. Not to mention a festive carnival atmosphere that'll twist your stockings beyond recognition. You might consider bringing a backup pair.

Wear a Christmas costume, a tuxedo t-shart or a cocktail dress, or show up in your Superman jammies. We don't really give a sh*t. Just bring your holiday spirit and gear up for a huge celebration. We can't wait to party with you.

Your Friends at BearFight,
Ed Flores, Craig Hamburg, Chris Rotelli & Jon Wilcox



When: this Saturday, December 10th sharting @ 9 pm
Where: Performance Art Institute, 575 Sutter, San Francisco, CA
$15 adv / $20 door
Click here for advance tickets:
http://bearfightxxxmas3.eventbrite.com/


Let's get this party sharted!!
xo, Nige

Monday, December 5, 2011

Dear Santa, please get me an awkward silence eliminator for my date with MacGruber



I absentmindedly glanced down at this text message during my routine FuglyMuniShoe perusal.  My heart jumped and eyes widened as I realized who it was from: MacGruber.  You may or may not remember this story: < My adventures with MacGruber > and if you don't, read it: I don't feel like explaining it again.  As of now, I am planning on going to Benihana with MacGruber and another couple.  Ha, that sentence sounded like a mad lib. Assuming he doesn't read this blogpost and call the whole thing off, I am anticipating it being fun!  Plus, it will give me excellent material for TPSF.  You better belieze I will document the shart out of it for your viewing pleasure.  Perhaps I should watch the movie before I go on this date since I've never seen it. This brings me to today's main topic: my Birthday/ Christmas wish list.

My birthday is on December 23rd.  Apparently my parent's aren't the most stellar planners - either that or I was a accident surprise. Anyhow, I always seem to get jipped over Christmas - people think it's OK to give me one present for both Christmas and my birthday.  Which is hurtful.  So without further ado I bring you my Birthmas wish list:

1. MacGruber DVD. This would make an excellent stocking stuffer. AND it will provide me with conversation sharters if my date with MacGruber gets awkward.  Which, lets face it: It WILL. (pun intended)


2.  A whole bundle of egg rolls.  Duh.  As I've said before, egg rolls are kind of like presents: You can unwrap them and be surprised by their contents just as you can a Christmas pressie. (note to self: try not to use the word "pressie" again.)
hello lovers
3. A personal trainer to help me work off all these egg rolls. Also, I would like to learn some exercises that make my face less puffy.
oh. hi susan and darrell.  don't these folks look like they'd be named Susan and Darrell?
4. A new pair of basic, black pumps.  preferably Louboutin's.  I just got a new job and these would be perfect for work! (and for going out)  I know, I know - they are expensive BUT here is my reasoning: If I get a really nice pair of shoes I will be less likely to lose them because if I lose them, I won't be able to pawn them if I ever need $.  I can't get any $ if I were to pawn a pair of Steve Madden's... which explains why I always lose them.
hi ladies.
5.  EAR PLUGS. My new neighbor is a perpetual laugher. She laughs all. the. time.  This wouldn't be a problem if my bedroom window wasn't directly next to her back steps.  She sits on them all night and laughs.  It is REALLY f-ing annoying.  I would like to find the person who is making her laugh and convince him to talk to her about more depressing topics.  And honestly, with the way this girl laughs you would think the person in question is Chris Rock.  Both of these humans are CHAFES and need to be muzzled after 10 pm.  
hi guys. please, for the love of Gwendalyn: save me from the incessant nighttime cackling.
 6. A cell phone holder.  I keep losing my phone.  
dealbreaker?
7. A new satchel.  My current one looks like it was attacked by a rabid wolf.  Time to retire it.
hi Tod.
8. A rescue dog - like this little rascal.

i shart heart YOU

9. Cooking classes.  I think it would be nice to learn how to make something other than ramen and toast.

10. A Roarke necklace like the one Lily has.  Can I get a discount, Laetitia? Thanks lamb.

Ok, moving on. The holidays always make me feel like Templeton.  I need to put the fork down.  

OINK
We got our tree! And she's beautiful.  Check it out:

BEFORE
AFTER

more x-mas decs.  i like the unlit part the breast
Here are my two favorite parts of our tree:
Nicky's lamb of an ornament.  if this guy could make noise he would say: MEEEEP.

The cowlick. Yes, our tree has a cowlick just like me. 
Ok - I'm out.  Have a greedy day! 

xo, Nige

PS. Oh, I almost forgot: FuglyMuniShoes!!

This is what it would look like if Doc Martin's and Rocket Dog's mated.

Look, it's a corporate elf.