Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Activia: Actively good; featuring a Butterscotch Bachelor

Bachelor # 3
THE BUTTERSCOTCH PRODUCER
JAKE G.
(note: I am the commentator in the pink for those of you who are having a slow day)
I've known Jake since I was thirteen and had clear braces.  He is such a catch. In fact, he was the first person I thought of when I began this project. "Jake" is Jake's given name. Not Jakeathon, Yacob or any other variation. Got it Jakenigel. He was born in Maryland, grew up in New York and moved to San Francisco shartly after college. On weekends he enjoys exploring the great outdoors, getting weird and feeling fragile on Sundays. You need to read my Sunday remedy guide if you haven't already, Jakels. Jake failed to mention that he is a producer - a real live producer.  How kewl is that?  Ladies - I am sure you'd want to star in one of his x rated films.  He is as talented as a three legged juggling midget.  In terms of style I like to refer to him as predgy - preppy with an edge.  Yep, he's a predge.
THE MASTER AT WORK
Let's get right to the interview questions, shall we?

If you were a type of food what kind of food would you be and why?
Activia. I'm a team player.
You know how I feel about anything Jamie Lee Curtis promotes, Jake.  Nothing like a herm advocating the importance of eating a yogurt to keep you regular.  Gotta love her. I mean, him. Fine - shim.


If there was a movie made about you who would you like to see play you?
Wesley Snipes, Bill Murray or Jake McKenna.
excellent choices.

Describe yourself in 3 words.
Good one, Nige.
That was my attempt at being serious Nige. That was hurtful.

How would you react if you transformed into a fish?
I would lead a revolution.
Inspiring.  Go get 'em Nemo.

What is your idea of a perfect date?
Adventure mixed with drinks, laughter, chips and guacamole. 

Would you date a girl who was missing a chromosome?
Intense, how is her guacamole. 
I'd say weak... to quite weak.  She forgot the avocado.

What movie best describes your sex life?
Pee-wee's Big Adventure

How do you left click a round mouse?
Don't panic.  You'll figure it out.
Thanks Nige.  I needed to hear that.
HI hot stuff.






Love ya Jake - ladies, if you're interested in turning my friend Jake's avocado into guacamole e-mail me at toepicksf@gmail.com 







Alright - I gotta shart packing for New Orleans.  But before I bounce, I'd like to introduce you to a new segment called WEDGIE WEDNESDAY!

I spotted 3 speci-women for this category in one day!
no.

um.
ew.
Check ya laterrr!

xo, Nige

Monday, February 20, 2012

Didn't we almost have it all?

Hey peanuts! Hope you all had an awkward weekend.  I took it easy - watched several lifetime movies: The Perfect Roommate, The Perfect Assistant, The Perfect Nanny AND The Perfect Wife.  Cuz that's what single gals do - right? We watch Lifetime, have pillow fights and brush each other's hair. (note to self: don't ever use the word "cuz" again - or "gals" for that matter.) Oh - and following up on my gym experience: (click here for a refresher) I finally let my bra guard down and changed amongst the areola exposed women in the locker room instead of in the handicapped bathroom stall.  Baby steps: Baby stepping into the locker room, baby stepping toward the areolas, baby stepping away from the bushes... you get the picture. It was monumental for modest me. 


Let's pick up where we left off, shall we? 
My next bachelor is one of my faves - mainly because he always makes me laugh so hard I nearly choke on my egg roll. Seriously, last weekend I almost suffocated from cackling at him. I'd like to introduce you single ladies to Wilcox. Jon Wilcox. (Once again, I am in the pink: That's what he said. Wilcox is in the black; classic Wilcox)


Tell us about yourself Wilcox, I mean Jonathon:
Where should I begin?  Let's see.  Ok - let me get my glasses. I was born in Berkeley and grew up in Virginia, where I attended the prestigious Norfolk Academy.  I'm currently 32 years old and have two sisters and three brothers. Clearly he is extremely fertile, ladies.  I went to college in Virginia (Virginia is for lovers, ladies - not virgins, don't let the name throw you off) and have been living in San Francisco for 9 years.  I love to hang out with friends, see live music, ski and work on my tan.  I am fun yet laid back; babes find me sensitive, yet tough.  I am probably the smartest, coolest and most awesome person I/you know; I am extremely modest.  I'll say!


i know one of you single foxes can help dry his tears 

Here are some of Jon's answers to my awk interview questions:


If there was a movie made about you what actor would you like to see play you?  
Tyler Perry.
The resemblance b/n Wilcox and Tyler is uncanny. Uncanny!

Describe yourself in 3 words.
Tan and Beautiful.
T & B
Food in your hair or hair in your food?
Salad in my hair and hair in my dessert.
Nothing like a little Hairamisu after a good meal. bad joke? get it - tiramisu? courtesy laugh. no? ok. call me.

Would you like a Pepsi?
I dunno would it like me?
I think you two would get along famously.

What's your favorite Bruce Willis movie?
Look Who’s Talking Too.
Screw Die Hard - Wilcox is sensitive and takes to babies instead of guns (bonus if the baby's inner monologue is narrated by B. Willis)

15. Boxers or briefs?
Boxer Briefs.
what is the deal with men and boxer briefs? love you wilcawx but detest the bb's.

17. What movie title best describes your sex life?  Home Alone.
don't be fooled by the split - he won't split on you gurrrlfriend 

18. Blondes/ Brunettes/ Gingers?
Yes please.

19. How do you left click a round mouse?
Bend over and I’ll show you.
wow. I need to get a new line.  You're one of 5 of my bachelors that has used this line in response to one of my questions.  It's as if I am interviewing myself.

20. Favorite alcoholic beverage?
 Bearfight.
Not only does Jon have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose - he also has a party planning organization called Bear Fight Productions. From what I remember, his parties are pretty rad. (wow. am i allowed to use the word rad?! rad.)
21. Favorite meat?
McNugget.
Even the ones that are shaped like New Jersey? or an ear? 


looks like Big Foot from the Land Before Time
Thanks for your time, sweetshart.  E-mail me if you'd like to mc Wilcox's nugget.  Bad joke again? Lo siento.


Welp, I am going to go make like Amanda Knox and do cartwheels in my backyard because in 3 DAYS I will be NOLA bound where I'll be surrounded by my breastest friends ever, in all the land.  I'll even try and get a little bit of Toe Pick material, because I hear some of the New Orleanians are on par with San Franciscans in terms of eccentricity. Stoked.

Have an uncomfortable day.
xo, Nige

PS. I know it's a little late but I wanted to dedicate the title of this post to WHITNEY HOUSTON. We will never hear a voice like hers again. RIP.


PMS. I have spent the last 47 minutes trying to make the font cooler for this post and to get rid of the random spaces.  I can't figure it out so you're stuck with Times New Roman and some holes.  Dealing with the technicalities of Toe Pick is not my will forte. Don't shart with me - I don't want to hear it.

PTSD. If y'all could do me a favor and go to the right hand column of this blog and "follow" me that would be awesome and I'll be your best friend. Also - please "like" my facebook page by clicking here... and lastly follow me on twitter by clicking here.  Sorry for self promoting, I don't have a pube-licist for Toe Pick so gotta do it myself.  I really, sincerely appreciate your support. xx


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

WHAT THE BEN F TOOK ME SO LONG!?

OH, HI BRIDGE. HAPPY V-DAY.
<DISCLAIMER: It’s Valentines Day.  Well, actually by the time you read this it won’t be but as I write this it’s Valentine’s Day.  And if there is one thing this Valentine's Day has made me realize it's that I need to stop being so picky and start thinking about accepting that date with Muhammad Dingleberry, a random Islamic facebook stalker of mine - because being single on V-day is a giant chafe.  Watching girls parade around my office building with roses and hearing about couple's romantic dinner plans was less than ideal.  On that note let's get right to the main course: TOE PICK'S BACHELOR SEGMENT. I had aimed to kick off my Bachelor season this morning but due to some technical difficulties I was unable to.  Problem solved now.  This is for all you girls who felt like Bridget Jones today! Enjoy. xo

SAN FRANCISCO: A city best known for it's breathtaking views, world renowned tourist attractions, (If I had a nickel for every time I have snapped a photo of the Golden Gate bridge then I would be making money in a very strange way) charming architecture, delicious restaurants and hot, eligible bachelors.  Wait, I need to backtrack a little.  If you're a single girl like me in SF you know that the last part of my opening statement is decidedly untrue.  We have the Marina gel-heads, the middle aged guys suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome, the transvestites, the FuglyMuniShoe wearers, the gay guys (love), the Haighters AKA Ted Kazinski look-alikes, and the committed ones.

Where are all the hot, funny, smart, successful Bachelors you ask? Well look no further: I've got 'em right here on Toe Pick and they blow Ben F out of the water. They have generously agreed to take one for Toe Pick and participate in my top 10 bachelor list. I will be featuring a Bachelor (or 2) a day over the course of the next couple weeks. Each of them has agreed to open up and share their bios, answer a few very strange interview questions and they (or their malicious friends) have provided me with photos for your viewing pleasure.  So to all you ladies who are single on Valentines Day: Toss your Rocky Road Ben&Jerry's in the garbage, turn off that sappy Lifetime movie and give us a smile.  My hope is that featuring all these awesome Bachelors will give you hope that there are single, worthy guys with full sets of teeth in this city.  Without further ado I bring you my first Bachelor. Enjoy! 

THE ASIAN FUSION WORLD TRAVELER
WILL M.
AS LONG DUCK DONG WOULD SAY: "WHAT'SA HAPPENIN' HOT STUFF"
HOP ON DATA'S WOOD- this is one of his bamboo bikes 
Originally from Connecticut, Will moved out to San Francisco ten years ago in search of the California dream.  He recently left a long-term job waking up too early in finance to travel around the world and focus on Bambike, the bamboo bike company he started with his brother in the Philippines.  Who wouldn't want to ride his bike? Am I right or am I right, ladies?  Ever proud of his east coast roots, Filipino heritage, and Northern Californian sensibilities, he hopes one day to combine success in business with a lifestyle that allows him to continue to explore and enjoy all the fantastic things the world has to offer.  Ever seen the Goonies? This stud is affectionately referred to as DATA by his adoring friends.  Consider yourself a lucky girl if you've ever had the pleasure of hitting homebase at the Database.

Enough with the serious stuff.  You'll see how Data's sense of humor shines in his responses to these inquiries. (in case you're missing a brain chip - I am in the pink. <that's what he said>)

1. If you were a type of food what kind of food would you be and why?
White rice - because I'm half-Asian, half- white and pretty much good with everything.

YOU KNOW YOU WANNA TAKE A BITE OUT O' DATA. (COMES WITH SPECIAL SOY SAUCE.)
              If there was a movie made about you who would you like to see play you?
Long Duck Dong, Dick "Data" Wang, or Kumar
NO MORE YANKY MY WANKY - THE DONGER NEED FOOD!
Describe yourself in 3 words.
Adventure. Intrigue. Romance.

 Would you ever date a girl who was missing a chromosome?
Are you asking me out, Alexandra?
(Touche, Data. Touche.)

What is your idea of a perfect date?
A weekend in Sonoma drinking wine, listening to music, eating well and sleeping in.

 Boxers or Briefs?
Boxer briefs. (Sorry Bunting.)
It's okay, Data - but I hope you realize how much I frown upon restriction

How many licks does it take you to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Bend over and I'll show you.
This is why we are friends.

CLOWNING AROUND AT PERRY'S

Blonde/Brunette/Ginger?
Blonde.

What movie best describes your sex life?
2 Fast, 2 Furious
DATA IN HIS ELEMENT
Thank you for your time Will McData. You are a gem and everyone in SF will miss the shart out of you.

That does it for my first Bachelor. Thanks for being patient and stay tuned for the rest!

xo, Nige

ps. i would like to share with you a photo of the flowers i received today from my Valentine: the man who works at the corner store across from my house.  don't shart with me.
hello lovers


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

ALL BY MYYYSELF; featuring a small cup of JO

We all have shartcomings. I have been trying pretty hard to compensate for mine lately.  OUTCOME: Let's just say - I get an A for effort.  Here I give you a list of some of the things in life I struggle with and my attempts to not only face, but conquer them... one baby step at a time.
THIS IS ME, ALONE IN THE SECRET GARDEN
1. ALONE TIME. Apparently when I was little I clung to my mom like a static-y skirt.  I freaked whenever she left me alone.  One time I got lost in the Air and Space museum for two hours at the age of 8 and you would've thought someone had eaten my last egg roll.  It was not a pretty sight.

hi my little lonesome bench
Some dingbat  knowledgeable soul once said that in order to be happy with someone else, you must first be happy alone and with yourself.  As I mentioned, I have a tough time being alone - I am constantly asking friends to hang out after work, have dinner, pluck eyebrows together, go on a rulk (run+walk), roam Chinatown for eggrolls, etc.  Welp, the other night no one was free to do any of the above so I took the lamb by it's wool and decided to do something in solitude.  I went to Blue Fog Cafe, picked up their prized chicken salad and some chips and brainstormed where to go and enjoy my dinner all by my lonesome.  I walked around for a bit until I came upon a charming little park.  Perfect, I thought.  I felt like the chick from the Secret Garden as I made my way through the meadow and discovered a quaint little bench. I set up shop on said bench and began to dine.  Just as I was about to put a forkful of chicken salad in my mouth I heard a rustle in the bushes. Like a deer, my eyes widened and my shoulders perked upright in high alert.  This is why I detest being alone, I thought to myself.  Not that I was exactly alone: A tweaked out homeless man had decided he wanted to enjoy the Secret Garden as well.  "Hisssssss!" He exclaimed as he emerged from the thicket. Now not only was my solo dinner in the secret garden ruined - but the homeless man responsible for my defeat appeared to be part-snake. He continued to hiss as I gathered my dinner and scurried away - stepping in dogshit in the process.  Attempt at successfully dining/being alone: FAIL.

blue fog dinner - i tried to eat you in peace.
2. DRINKING A CUP OF COFFEE: That's right - I struggle with drinking coffee.  I've been asked to go on coffee dates by girls, boys, work colleagues (omg I have and have had colleagues!? I sound so mature. I'm not.) and every time I agree to go I end up getting a glass of water or an apple juice.  I can't drink coffee. It makes me feel like I am some kind of bumble bee who took too much adderrall. BUT this morning I woke up after having been kept awake half the night by my cackling stoner neighbor and decided to try and have a cup of coffee.  I waltzed into Starbucks amongst the masses of suited businessmen and aggressive ladies in their Ann Taylor blazers and immediately felt out of place.  The first thing that entered my mind: What the fuck do I order? "Yes hi I'll have a tall half-skinny half-1 percent extra hot split latte with two shots of decaf and one shot of regular with whip cream," I heard people screaming at the baristas.  I panicked when the Starbucks midget asked me for my order. "Coffee." I answered, sounding like a caveman. "I want a small coffee." I drank half the cup over the course of the morning in an attempt to conquer my coffee demons and I am still feeling the effects.  I have jolted at the tiniest noises and am more irritable than a PMS-ing Janice Dickinson. FAIL. I hate you, coffee.


YOU TURN ME INTO A HYPED UP JANICE DICKINSON




OH, HI JANICE
3. COOKING
I struggle with cooking.  Actually, that's false - I don't struggle with it because I don't do it.  Earlier today I had a thought - I should try and make non-frozen chicken tonight. Alas, that was all my attempt at cooking amounted to: A thought that passed through my brain for 47 seconds. Instead I went to the corner store to pick up an AMY's frozen enchilada dinner (Amy's dinners are actually tasty and supposedly healthy-ish; I consider an Amy's meal to be the tame, non-rebellious, younger cousin of a HUNGRY MAN TV dinner. wow, did I really just turn frozen dinners into family members?) Turns out, they had run out of the specific dinner I wanted in the main freezer, so the owner Mike (who had a broken foot) had to put down his crutches and climb through the plethora of frozen dinners in the freezer in the way back to find my favorite one.  Hmmm, maybe next week I will focus my energy on being less high maintenance.  Love ya, Mike.
THANKS FOR FETCHING MY DINNER MIKE.
I WANNA BE LIKE MIKE.
In other news, I got two invitations today that really made me feel proud of Toe Pick:
THAT SAYS NIGEL BUNTING


When I received these I felt like what I assume Axl Rose must have felt the first time he heard his song on the radio.  Actually, not really.  Nevermind.
Ok, Revenge is about to come on so gotta bounce.  I will leave you with this photo of Wilson, whom I hung out with in Delores Park last weekend.
OH HAAAY WILSON
Have a static free day tomorrow.  Don't let static stop you.

xo, Nige

PS. I am slowly but surely making headway with my top 10 Bachelors who I will be featuring next week during TOE PICK SF's first annual Bachelor entry.  These boys have been hard to pin down (that's what she said) but I have managed to get some stellar material from them.  Get excited ladies.