Thursday, March 29, 2012

IN HEAVEN WITH KEVIN: A BACHELOR WITH A ROD AND A BOD

Right now it's a cool, hazy Friday evening in San Francisco.  The fog is softly blanketing the bay, the caterpillars are awaiting daybreak so they may finally emerge from their cocoons as butterflies and flutter, and somewhere out there in the Tenderloin a homeless man is blowing a snot rocket.  I just heated up a frozen dinner, am curled up like an awkward fetus on my sofa watching Pretty Woman and working on Toe Pick.  At this moment, most people I know are deciding on which cocktail they'll have next while I am deciding on which font/layout to use for my blog.  How cliche am I?  I figured I would give my head and neck a rest from headbanging this weekend as I am beginning to think I might shart suffering from premature osteoporosis.  I'm aware I've been neglecting Toe Pick.  If Toe Pick was a baby bird it would be starving from lack of worms fed to it by it's mother. (Me - I am the mama bird.  Tweet.)  I shart you not, I have written 4 entries in the past 3 hours.  In addition to osteoporosis I will now have Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.  Hot. Tomorrow morning I am off to Marin to hang with my little nephews for a couple days.  There is nothing more important in life than family... and egg rolls... and rescued dogs...and Haribo gummi bears... and Toe Pick ...and bachelors. (was that a run-on?)  Speaking of - I am delighted to bring you my next Bachelor:

He's smooth. He's shart smart.  He listens to heady music. He's got rugged, manly chin pubes facial hair that would scratch your face if you made out with him.  Hot.

His nameK. Rod (the "Rod" part is an unintentional coincidence if you catch my drift.)

Occupation: Lawya.  How much would you like to para his legal?  <That made no sense.  I know this.  Don't shart with me.>


It has been awhile since I featured a Bachelor so let's dive right in.  Need me to jumpshart your memory?  Very well.  K-Rod is in the black (that's what he said) and me and my my cringe worthy commentary are in the pink (that is what he also said.)

The Bio of The Rod
I was born and raised in the Bay Area. That's right, he's a pure-blooded Toe Pick SF Bachelor.  For college, I had to make like a fetus and head out get out, so I bolted with the resolve and stealth of a Budweiser Clydesdale for New Orleans - the second kewlest city in the US... (my spiritual birthplace according to my friend Eddy).  I made it through a solid <like his biceps> two years there before getting yanked back to California as a result of enjoying New Orleans a little too much. Nothing wrong with a little overindulging. After college, I lived in San Diego before heading to law school.  Been lawyering in and around SF ever since. Do you object? Objection overruled. I like light rock, the Cosby Show and croakies. studly.  There's more, but those are the basics. less is more my friend.
Now for the infamous interview ?'s:

where's your porridge G Locks?
1. If you were a type of food what kind of food would you be and why? 
Choco Taco.  Sweet, sounds Mexican, but it’s really not, and if you eat it too fast you may get a headache.
That's what he said about her? 

2. If there was a movie made about you what actor would you like to see play you? 
Daniel Day Lewis.  Or Eddie Murphy circa 1988.
stellar picks.

Classic E Murphy: the master of impersonations, IMO.
3. Do you prefer Sunny D or the purple stuff?
Purple Drank.
<why you can't cawwwl nobody? my baby sista cuzin auntie Tracey said you wuz all huuugged up with some tramp - now teeell me WHO she wuuzzz. you ain't gotsta lie Craig, you ain't gotsta lie....> sorry i have always wanted to incorporate that line into toe pick and this seemed like a good place to do it.
BOTTOMS UP

4. Describe yourself in 3 words.
Fast, funny, loyal.
kind of like a comedic pet greyhound.

5. Food in your hair or hair in your food? 
Really?
Yes - really. You're not talking to Margaret Thatcher here, Kev.

6. What is your favorite bar/ restaurant in SF? 
Club Deluxe.

hot stuff
7. Would you like a Pepsi?
How bout a Fresca?
How 'bout a Francesca?

8. How would you react if you transformed into a fish?  
Pool party.
Good morning Gil.  I said: GOOD MORNING GIL.

9. Would you date a girl who was missing a chromosome?  
I'm no scientist, so I asked my doctor friend, Emily Cadera, about the effects of this condition.  Answer:  Not likely (Google Turner Syndrome for further explanation).
note from nigeactually, if you're about to have dinner, don't.

10. What is your idea of a perfect date?
Long walk on the beach, night in front of the fire and sushi.  And Four Loko on ice.
Sounds ideal. hold the eel.
I rhyme.

+

wanna nosh on some cod? go on a date with with k rod

+
four loko on the rox = romantical
= magical date with K Rod

12. Ali G or Borat?
Ali G.  Respect.
BOO ya KA sha

13. If you could have one superpower what would it be?
The power to heal sick and injured children and puppies.
swoon.

15. Boxers or briefs? 
Boxers.
You're my only bach who doesn't rock briefs. Thank christ there are still some of you out there.

16. How many licks does it take you to get the center of a tootsie pop?
Every tootsie pop is different.

17. What movie title best describes your sex life?
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.

If you would like to become acquainted with Kevin's Rod please do not hesitate to e-mail me at toepicksf@gmail.com!

On an unrelated note, I'd like to introduce you all to a segment I like to call Toe Pick's Doppleganger Dingleberries wherein I feature D-list celebrity lookalikes I've spotted around SF.  Enjoy my first installment:

1. I swore I saw my friend MacGruber at Tacko - check him out dousing his burrito in extra spicy salsa. CLASSIC MACGRUBER.  you be the judge:


hi half of kristin and McG

love ya WF
2. BRIAN WILSON turned hipster lookalike. I have seen this dude thrice on the muni:

its YOU
It's YOU again
WILL THE REAL B WILSON PLEASE STAND UP. (but if you're standing up on the Muni - please hold on.)
 3. THE COSMO KRAMER lookalike was spotted at Balboa:



4. Last but not least - the infamous Mary Kay Lotourneau's student of yesteryear husband was spotted on the Muni (he's aged since he was 14):
awk.
It's a bad day. Piss off.
Thank God March 2012 is over. Said month has not been a good one for me.  Looks like this dude I spotted in Hayes Valley (to your right) has had a bad month too.  Luckily, we both live in a city where you can't help but be content at the end of the day - no matter how shitty things get.  I'll check in Wednesday and will wrap up this seemingly endless Bachelor series (my next one is a must-see).  Have a rodical weekend.

xo, Nige


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

TANGLED UP IN BLUE

Fo' Drizzle.  yes. i just wrote that.
Hey numbnuts. I have been neglecting Toe Pick lately and the guilt that's resulted from this has been hovering over me like an omnipresent, grey cloud.  Or maybe that's just the shitty weather we've been having lately.  Last week it seemed like every morning I walked out of my house I was confronted with a torrential downpour.  I hate the rain - I become flustered, disoriented and hurried in it and this is partly because my hair turns into one big, awkward jheri curl. (who knew that's how you spell "jheri curl"? I didn't) Having said this, it was nothing shart of a DISASTER when I realized last Monday morning as the rain came down that I had lost my hair brush.  I searched far and wide but The Fro Tamer was nowhere to be found. That's right folks, lost brushes are my new lost debit cards and keys.  I've never denied my inability to keep up with my belongings or to follow through with promises I've made (ahem, the bachelor entries, OK! Cupid dates, etc) but I have finally decided to do something about it.  I went without a brush and a blow dryer for 4 full days last week and I have resolved to never put coworkers, friends or boys through such torture again.  Although, I did have the chance to experiment with other brush options and I thought it would be nice if I shared them with you so you're prepared should you ever be caught in the same predicament.  
Using your hand as a brush does. not. work.
Fingers are not effective.
That's what she said.

L to R - A BROKEN CLIP with 3 prongs is not sturdy enough to combat even the slightest of cowlicks.
A FORK: a fork as a brush is more effective than you might think.  It's durable and works as a decent detangler.
A TATTERED MIRROR BRUSH from the 90's (borrowed from roommate): this bad boy was hanging from a thread last week.  It has since entered retirement.
MY NEW BRUSH IS AT THE END. Hi.

a FORK BRUSH aka a FORUSH

I've gone through 3 brushes in the past four weeks and I am convinced they are all on an island somewhere along with my debit cards, cell phones, keys and licenses.  "Maybe you ought to get a leash for your brush," my friend Sarah suggested earlier on the phone today as I made my way to Walgreen's to fetch my new fro tamer.  "A brush leash!? That's absurd!" I responded. "Do you know how weird I would look walking a brush?"  Secretly I was intrigued. <Maybe that's not such a bad idea, Sarah.>

I WILL MISPLACE YOU ALL .
each and every one of ya.
RATS NEST (taken mid of last week)
I am happy to report that I have found something of a solution to my problem.  Have a look:

KEYS AS A BRUSH LEASH. Now if I could only loop my debit card and cell phone into this concoction...
Moving on. Now I realize I owe you all an explanation re: my remaining bachelors.  Here is a checklist of reasons why I have not wrapped up this series.  Don't shart with me.

  • One bachelor dropped out because he didn't want his ex-girlfriend to be upset.  (which is sweet and respectful.)
  • One recently moved from San Francisco so I can't very well feature him as a hot SF bachelor even though he is the greatest and smells terrific.
  • One is missing a biography.
  • 1 has not gotten his shite together (Ryan) and sent me his info.
  • I only recently found a new bachelor to replace one of the dropouts and I am in the process of getting his scoop.    

So there you have it.

Oh, and I saw Brian Wilson's doppelganger on the muni today.
Also, I got a new Toe Pick journal today which will help me to post more frequently.  Isn't she a beaut?

I'll be back next week with a couple of my remaining bachelors.
Promise.

xo, Nige

PS.  I thought you'd like to know my initial title for this post was "I Can Feel it Coming in the Hair Tonight."  I needed something that rhymed with hair and this is the first thing that entered my mind. Nixed for obvious reasons.

PMS. Oh. Hi Ben F and Egg Rolls.


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

SHOWIN' SOME EGG

"I've got a great idea!  Let's hard boil some eggs and put them under sitting peoples butts when they're not looking so when they stand up they'll think they've laid an egg!" (I know, I'm 6) This idea seemed brilliant at the time - and extremely fitting considering the theme of last weekend in Tahoe which was dubbed What The Fuck weekend.  The general idea behind this affair was exactly what its' name implies.  People dressed in a way so as to make random passersby turn, cock their heads and think to themselves "What the fuck?!"  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.  Please enjoy the following visuals from a truly dumbfounding, what the fuck inducing weekend.


HI WIWY

Lil and her number 1 fans

Back to my egg story.  My idea to boil eggs came to fruition and I was thrilled.  One of my sweet, encouraging friends agreed to help me boil the eggs - this was a real challenge for me, as I had never boiled an egg before.  Needless to say, I was eggcited. Like a 4 year old I was awestruck as I watched my friend prepare the pot and boil the water.  I was so eager to boil the eggs that I tried to put them in the pot prematurely (that's what he said), but was reprimanded multiple times as the water wasn't bubbling yet.  We finally boiled 4 eggs and my plan to plant eggs under people's seats went to shit as everyone was ready to go to the bar (not sit down).  PLAN B.  I grabbed an egg and decided to bring it to the bar.  "It's safe here," I thought, as I tucked it into my neon orange sports bra.  This all boiled down (pun intended) to a resounding WHAT THE FUCK.  I'm not yoking.

WTF Joaquin? WTF.
We waltzed into Pete and Peter's (the breast bar in Tahoe) and I showed my passport to the bouncer who bore an uncanny resemblance to Joaquin Phoenix circa his WTF phase when he appeared on Letterman with that gnarly beard and spouted out crazy word vomit.  It was at that moment, after I had shown my ID, that I uttered the most random sentences that have ever come out of my mouth.  "Joaquin Phoenix! Do you need to see some ID from my egg!?" I pulled the egg out and shoved it in Joaquin's face. "It's 21."  Joaquin gave me the ultimate WTF face and motioned for my egg and me to come inside.  Here's a list of things that happened after me and my egg entered the bar (The photos are meant to be shaped like eggs. Don't shart with me):

ME, RENEE, BEN F, our beloved EGG.
So eggshilerating
  • We (by we I mean me and the eggs' other mother) used the egg to interrupt pool games
  • I entered the ladies room and promptly walked out after proclaiming to the ladies in line that the foul stench pervading the air made the bathroom an healthy environment for my egg to be in.  This caused primping girls to put down their bronzer brushes and shoot me and my egg WHAT THE FUCK faces.  
  • We told everyone at the bar that Ben F (we somehow had a framed photo of him) was the surrogate father of the egg, and that it was about to hatch at any moment.  I tried to follow this story up by asking "will you accept this egg?"
  • I put a pink headband around the egg's forehead and told everyone the egg was a girl version of Rambo.
Uncle Eddie (Eggie?) shooting pool with an egg.  doesn't get more eggcentric than this folks.
Eggscuse me!? 

Eat your shart out, Courtney.  BEN F was an eggscellent father figure for our egg

I found this experience to be Toe Pick worthy and a nice story to tell during my intermission from my Bachelor series.  I will be back next week with the rest of 'em.

Oh yeah, I'd like to give a shout out (did I just use the term "give a shout out"? DOR.) to Mary Brittain, my breast friend in the whole world who will be here in less than 24 hours. I'm no eggistentialist, but I do know that I cannot wait to form tackle her.  That made no sense. WTF.

Check ya next week when I will finally wrap up this Bachelor segment.

xo, Nige 

PS.  Mom, I am sorry for using the F word so many times in this entry.  There was no way around it - eggers can't be choosers.

PPS.  I feel like my readership just declined by about 10% after telling this story.  Farewell, 10%.

PTSD.  The horrible show I'm watching right now features giant eggs (see photo).  No yoke.  It's fate.

Friday, March 2, 2012

rules of enJAYGEment: The tale of a PARTY BOY Bachelor and his router

He goes by JJ, Jaydge (is it absurd to shorten an already shortened name using another nickname that has 4 additional letters?), Party Boy or Work Boy.  He's a sick skier with a smoldering snowflake tat on his left bicep (to commemorate said skiing), and a penchant for black boxer briefs.  He's smoking hot, super nice and has an insatiable appetite for selling routers.  I've been trying to order a pink sparkly one from him for awhile but I think they're on backorder as they are manufactured in Ecuador or some shit.  But that's neither here nor there.  It is my pleasure to introduce to you my next Bachelor:

JJ Hanley
JJ with his pole
Y'all know the Toe Pick Bachelor drill by now and if not, read my last 4 posts.As always, I am in the pink.  And as always, JJ is in the black boxer briefs.  

San Francisco offers many things but it was the balance between city life and proximity to the mountains that drew JJ to the Bay Area in 2005. 

 Born in an igloo in Anchorage, Alaska JJ came of jayage on the ski slopes of Sun Valley, Idaho and Alyeska, Alaska where his family split their time.
LA CASA DE JAYDGE

Pursuing ski racing at an early jayage, he peaked as a Division 1 All-American in College (he appears to be flexible, ladies- don't you have to be flexible to ski? no? I'm not a skier. Enlighten me.) and spent his first years after graduation coaching the sport he loved to high school students. An athlete and a mentor: double threat guy.
RAD
His excitement for new experiences and determination to sell routers find a career served as the catalyst (calm down - he doesn't analyze cats) that helped move him from small ski town to big city SF. The move triggered a fortuitous (he likes fructose - that's a plus) set of circumstances landing him in a position with a successful tech company he’s been with for 6 years. (selling routers, Bunting… Lots and lots of routers) i want two - a pink one for me and a beige one for my Kristal.
MY DREAM ROUTER
Today, Jayge continues to focus on the work/life balance. He enjoys living in the City and partying with new friends, many of whom he now considers his breast. Trips to the ski mountain are still a common occurrence and a big part of his life. 

Alright - enough with the serious stuff.  Moving on to the interview:

If you were a type of food what kind of food would you be and why? 
 hot dog because i like my wiener between two buns
got relish, ladies?

If there was a movie made about you what actor would you like to see play you?
 oscar meyer
got more relish, ladies?

Describe yourself in 3 words.
 100% All-Beef
I'm beginning to notice a theme here

What is your favorite bar/ restaurant in SF (besides Perry's)? 
What's Up Dog!?
Bend over and I'll show you.

 Would you like a Pepsi?  
 yes please
I think a pepsi would like you too.

hay
How would you react if you transformed into a fish?
I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...
BABY STEPS

Would you date a girl who was missing a chromosome? 
Well, my mom always said laughter is critical in any relationship so as long as he-she had a good sense of humor about it?
laughter is the breast medicine.  That's what I tell my clients.

 What is your idea of a perfect date?
 bend over and i'll show you
romantical.

Team Aniston or Jolie?
 Jolie
He likes a woman who bares her legs and squats, ladies
oh. hi angie. hi angie's right leg.  hi angie's left leg.

Ali G or Borat?
 Ali G

 Boxers or briefs?
 boxer briefs (black)


What movie title best describes your sex life?
 Hot Dog... The Movie

How do you left click a round mouse?
 bend over and i'll show you

Thanks JJ.  Before I wrap this up I should add that JJ liked just the tips as a young boy and I think he still does:

lambchop.
If any of you ladies are interested in playing the tip game with Jayge please e-mail me at toepicksf@gmail.com.  

Also - in case you all didn't see my annoyingly incessant facebook status updates about it - TOE PICK got an awesome shout-out from Vixley and here it is again: please click here to read the article.  As always, please tell your friends/family/barber/gynocologist/dog walker to read Toe Pick.
XO, Nige