Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My quest for a So-called Life.

My first few days back in SF after my east coast jaunt have been about as fun, tedious and chafe inducing as an HJ on a honeymoon.

how i feel about being back in the Real World
I am officially drowning swimming in my reality and it ain't pretty.  I got back from Newport (the most unrealistic place on the planet) 2 days ago after having endured a day of brutal travel.  I was unable to score a ride to Logan airport so was forced to endure a 5 hour bus ride with no AC.  I was in the worst mood I've ever been in.  I scowled at the bus driver when he winked at me, tripped over my suitcase while waiting in line to check in at the airport and proceeded to yell out "FUUUUCK" as frightened, innocent bystanders looked on, and I grimaced and snarled when the woman on the plane sitting next to me woke me up so she could use the restroom.  I also rolled my eyes at a woman as she greeted her husband with a tongue kiss upon arriving at SFO.  In fact, I am embarrassed by my behavior yesterday.  I acted like a bitter, disgruntled, PMS-ing teenager.

As I lay in bed last night I got to thinking about what my problem is.  Am I upset about my newly dyed blonde locks?  (Note to self and to everyone else:  DO NOT ever get your hair highlighted at the Aveda Salon in bumblefuck Middleburg, VA - unless you fancy resembling a skunk.) As much as I loathe my awkward new hair color - it isn't what's irking me.  Am I embarrassed about my walk of shame through Baileys Beach during lunchtime last week (incidentally I was forced to purchase and don tennis clothes to cover up my blunder... I guess it's considered to be in poor taste to munch on clam chowder at Bailey's in one high heel and a wrinkled/stained cocktail dress)?  No, this incident was funny and awkward - and I do love funny and awkward.  Am I irritable as a result of my massive toothache?  Nah, I'm always excited at the prospect of getting laughing gas.  That can't be it.  All of the sudden - I realized my lack of a life is to blame for this foggy slump I am in.  My gmail inbox pretty much sums up my life or lack thereof at the moment:
weeemp womp

I assumed when I left my job 3 months ago I would be thrilled at the prospect of being able to pursue my dream of becoming a real, paid writer.  I was - at first, but then decided to get the fuck out of dodge and as far away as possible from this reality I've created for myself.  If I'm not in SF I don't have to fully DEAL with my life.  And getting away was fun but spending 3 weeks in Newport, Rhode Island has certainly not helped me get any closer to achieving my goals.  Now, as I sit here at home and am forced to face the aftermath of guzzling beachcombers, attending headbanging cocktail parties, noshing on lobsters and all in all being a worthless loser I realize why I'm in such a bad mood.  I  haven't written a Toe Pick entry in almost a month, nor have I made any significant strides in pursuing what I sought out to do 3 months ago.  And this is depressing.  Also, this is the most unfunny TPSF post ever.  This must change.

One day later...

The fact that I haven't used the word "shart" yet in this entry has been plaguing me.  I gotta lighten things up a bit. In and effort to do this I decided to do what I do breast: hunt for FuglyMuniShoes, and quirky SF people in hopes of delivering the Toe Pick goods.  It just so happened that I had to go to my dentist downtown today so I was afforded the perfect opportunity to ride the good ol' Muni and roam around TPSF's playground for material.  BOTTOM LINE: I was able to get laughing gas AND Toe Pick content all in one day so it's kind of like everyone wins.  I've decided since it's been forevs since I've written an entry I would feature a mash-up of a bunch of funny Toe Pick shit.

Before I get sharted I'd like to address a question that's been thrown at me more than thrice: How do I manage to be discreet enough to snap these precious Toe Pick photos?  Well, I'll tell ya:  I wear super large black sunglasses which cover half my face, a large fluffy black scarf that covers the majority of my chin and and all black ensemble.  I like to be in all black (that's what he said) so as to be as inconspicuous as possible.  Some might say I look shady but here in SF, shady is wildly accepted and celebrated.
toe pick undercover.
Before I get to the Muni funnies I'd like to introduce you to my first segment called:

(It's pretty self-explanatory but in case you're missing a brain chip I'll explain: This segment contains random pics I've taken of random objects that seem to have inexplicably appeared out of nowhere.)

I found a wasabi pea in my jacket pocket. Why? Because it's normal to carry around a spicy pea in case I get hungry or am in need of some companionship.  2 peas in a pod.
s'cuse me, miss?  you're being jumped by a stuffed animal.

I had a feeling I wasn't alone on the bus the other day and sure enough I was right: a tiny piece of lettuce decided to accompany me.  All aboard!

Having all this free time to snap shots of random shit like this really socks!
I sifted through my purse the other day and pulled out my tinted moisturizer.  It was stamped.  Was I trying to mail it to someone in my sleep?  If so, why and to whom?

I took this during my 10 yr high school reunion.  One of my friends decided to write into the alumni association and inform them that I had gotten married to a guy called Michael Harris.  All weekend I was addressed as Mrs. Harris. Is it embarrassing that I kind of liked it?

My next segment is a Toe Pick classic: CHAFES! 

I've made my disdain for confusing traffic signals quite known.  As I've mentioned before, the above signals always cause me perform a little "should I stay or should I go nowww?" jig in the middle of the street.  Seriously... a red hand and green light do not mesh well together and make me feel confused and awkward.

This rainbow ball is pretty to look at for the first 10 seconds of its' appearance, but after a minute I begin to resent it as it cuts into my facebook time.  CHAFE.

Segment 3: Fugly Muni Apparel donned by the American pube-lic & Awkward Muni haircuts:

1. plaid sharts shorts on dudes:  Don't Pick!  

I know NEON is in right now but...

BALL FEET (aka: beet.)

Croc's are never OK - even if you wear them by yourself around the house

the man form of j Lo circa 2001 was on the muni with me!


SEGMENT 4: celebrity lookalikes on the Muni:
It was hard but I managed to find ONE celebrity look alike...ish.  This chick looked like Shelly Duvall from the Shining (if you were sitting behind her.)  Don't you think?

My time back east wasn't completely unproductive.  I managed to find some old college pics that made me chuckle.  These are two separate instances with two different friends, btw.  Their identities will never be revealed so don't try and bribe me with egg rolls.  

Have a look:
I'm on a landline just hangin' with Frieda Kahlo.

OK - I'm going to sign off.  I think today I'll try and participate in a dance off like these guys I spotted last week:

Have a tantalizing Tuesday!

xo, Nige

PS: happy Birthday (last week) to emily and caroline! so happy to have you all in my family... almost.