Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Ridin' Dirty: Featuring Muni Riders who Look like Celebz


Hay guys!  Happy Tuesday.  Tuesday is my seventh favorite day of the week.  My morning got off to a pretty good shart.  For once I wasn't late for my bus and my cowlick seemed to be less pronounced than it is on most days thanks to the cooler SF weather.  I tripped walked onto Muni with every intention of spending my 25 minute commute  scrolling through my instagram feed and sifting through my split ends.  I Rosa Parked my butt into a seat near the rear of the bus.  Just as I began refreshing my instagram newsfeed I heard a gurl talking to her friend rather loudly about her "baby daddy."  She looked exactly like Tanya Harding.  I must snap a photo of her for toe pick, I thought to myself.  It had been awhile since I'd featured Muni Celeb Lookalikes on Toe Pick and to be frank (I'm not really Frank - I'm Alexandra), I've missed it.  

The trick to successfully snapping a photo of an unassuming member of the American Pube-lic is to avoid holding your phone directly toward your subject whilst ensuring he or she is still in your peripheral vision.  You can always crop the photo if you don't get a centered shot of your muni-celeb lookalike.  Stare at your phone intently, as if you're completely engrossed in a steamy sext message you've received from your significant other. ALWAYS make sure the flash is off and your phone is on silent so it doesn't make a clicking noise when you snap your photo.  

Welp, it turns out I'm a bit rusty when it comes to snapping muni photos discreetly  because just as I went in to snap the photo of the Tanya Harding lookalike who wasn't paying attention, I failed to notice her friend who was paying attention and shot me the dirtiest look ever in the history of dirty looks.  I swiftly stowed my phone and ended up getting a blurred shot of Tanya's shoe.  My blunder this morning reminded me of happier times, when I was able to successfully capture shots of Muni riders. Have a look at this compilation of Celeb Muni Lookalikes. 

SHOSHANNA FROM HBO'S GIRLS
SHOSH
 "I'M LIKE THE LEAST VIRGIN-Y VIRGIN EVER."


This fellow looked like the late Freddie Mercury (lead singer of Queen in case you're missing a brain chip).  I even managed to get an almost-profile shot of him just for you guys.




JIM HALPERT from The Office 



Our Beloved MICHAEL JACKSON lookalike
    


ADELE LOOKALIKE



KATHY GRIFFITH+STEVE CARELL LOOKALIKE


CELEBRITY LOOKALIKES FROM BEHIND 
    Apparently Morticia Addams needed to get a temporary debit card at B of A too.


Watts from Some Kind of Wonderful likes a bargain. I saw her scoping out some shiz at H&M:
                                                 

                                 

Annd who can forget:
  INSIDE THE LIFE AND MIND OF A MUNI RIDER 
I ventured to guess what was going on in the lives of these muni riders. (Pardon my language with some of these, mom - love you)

1. Jack & Diane: THE FINICKY COUPLE
              
Jack:  Please, honey.  Can I please get a blow job tonight?  It's been like 5 months.  I got you that purse you wanted from Talbot's.  COME ON!
Diane: No, Jack.  I told you - not until you agree to come to the Midsummer Night's Dream Ballet with me. NOW THAT'S FINAL!

2. REGRETFUL RHONDA 
Did I really need that wooden spoon from Bed Bath and Beyond?  Or those ass-less chaps from Bloomies?  WHY did I think it was a good idea to buy THREE pairs of My Little Pony pajama pants?  I wonder if there's a pill for Buyer's Remorse.

THE HALLOWEEN SHACKER...the morning after (i snapped this at 8am)
 I knew my Peter Pan costume would get me some ass.  I just didn't think it would be from a 200 pound "woman" who goes by Shawnda by night and Shawn by day.  Damn those fucking Fernet shots.  And jesus - I've been on this bus for 45 mins - I didn't realize the marina was so far away from the Tenderloin.

3. FED UP FRED
THIS MUNI PARTY SUCKS! Fuckit, I'm out.

4. (not) dehydrated Denise
WHY IS THIS FUCKING BUS MOVING SO SLOW.  I HAVE TO PEE.

5. NOT AMUSED NIGEL
WHY DOESN'T THE ASSHOLE NEXT TO ME USE DEODORANT?  WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE A SMELLY ARMPIT IN MY FACE?  WAS IT BECAUSE I FORGOT TO REGISTER TO VOTE?  OR BECAUSE I FEIGNED EXCITEMENT WHEN MY SISTER WAS TELLING ME ABOUT HER NEW CURTAIN FABRIC?  WHAT. DID. I. DOOO?

6. ARMPIT ARNOLD
AHHHH.  IT SURE FEELS NICE TO STRETCH AFTER MY HIKE TO TACO BELL.  GEE, THAT GIRLS HEAD IS REALLY CLOSE TO MY PERSON.  IS IT BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE STANDING SO CLOSE TO ME SO SHE CAN TAKE IN MY MANLY STENCH OR IS IT BECAUSE SHE HAS NO CHOICE GIVEN THE OVERWHELMING NUMBER OF PEOPLE ABOARD THE BUS?  I THINK IT'S MY STENCH.  SHE LIKES IT, SHE LOVES IT, SHE WANTS SOME MORE OF IT.  MAYBE I SHOULD MAKE A MOVE.

MUNI TRENDZ FOR WINTER 2014
1. CORPORATE ELF IS BACK!  These kicks are HOT and practical.  I've been seeing a lot of them lately.

2. Showing your Britney seems to be all the rage on Muni these dayz:


Photos of your catz stitched onto your jacket.  LOVE.
SNAPPED AT 7 30 AM.  RISE AND SHINE.


the mushroom topeveryone is sporting this cut on Muni.  so hot right now!  



The above woman decided to wear her younger brother's Salisbury uniform onto the muni.  Either that or she raided Diane Keaton's closet.  love.
This woman's outfit reminded me of some lettuce bagels I spotted yesterday.  Yes - lettuce bagels.  What the fuck else would you call these?

Here's to a lot more new Muni material.  My Tinder posts are beginning to bore me.

Have a great tuezday!

xo, Nige











Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween from TPSF; featuring the Resurrection of My 10 yr old Rented JLo Butt

Hey folks - Happy Halloween!  Halloween always reminds me of my third Sophomore year at Ole Miss. You may remember this story I told on Toe Pick awhile ago and if not I am hurt here's a refresher:

It was a cool, foggy San Francisco night.  The crickets were chirping, the lulu lemon clad Marina gurls were emerging from their yoga classes and somewhere in the Tenderloin a homeless man was blowing a snot rocket.  I had recently moved into a new apartment and was immersed in a riveting episode of Family Guy. I had been putting off unpacking for a few months couple days. During a commercial break I casually glanced toward my unpacked suitcase.  My body jolted upright in high alert (nearly knocking over my plate of General Tso's) and my eyes widened as I noticed two bulges from the outer pocket of the tattered carry-on.  Wrought with curiosity, I unzipped the side pocket - and there she was.  The J. Lo butt I'd rented from Redneck Costume Barn on Halloween a decade ago at Ole Miss.  I must have subconsciously decided to keep it as a memento - although I do not know why, that thing cost me 16 bones to rent, plus 35 dollars for "losing" it.  Visions of that fateful night flooded back to me and I began reminiscing of a time when I was decked out in J Lo garb - donning a Juicy Velour jumpsuit, hair tightly pulled back in a bun, hoop earrings the size of the equator, approximately 18.4 pounds of bronzer on my face and THE BUTT.  As the evening progressed The Butt gradually fell lower and lower - and I struggled to keep it in tact. But by God, she survived. And here she is today (pictured atop JLo and me) - I apologize for the blurry picture; please don't shart with me.

I distinctly remember speaking to the Redneck Costume Barn salesperson on the phone about a week later.  She called me to inquire about the whereabouts of The Butt.  I searched far and wide, but couldn't find it amongst the rubble in my room at my apartment  in the projects at the beautifully chic and manicured University Commons.  The woman scolded me and I was upset about it then, but not now.  The Butt is a trophy of sorts from some of the breast years of my life.  I wonder if i could take it to a taxidermy place and have it stuffed and mounted on my wall? Can't a girl dream?

This year I continued my tradition of dressing up like a shallow celebrity gurl...I felt like it was only fitting for me to pay homage to Amanda Bynes as she has provided me with hours of entertainment over the past year. That said, I am glad she is finally getting the help she clearly needs.


Happy Halloween, y'all!  Cawl me.

xo, Nige



Monday, October 21, 2013

True Life: I Crossed the Line on Tinder and Lived to Write About It

I feel it is only appropriate for me to begin this post by paying my respects to Hans (the creator and Godfather of Haribo gummi bears)  since Toe Pick has been the primary platform on which I have consistently declared my unbounded love for The Bearz.  RIP Hans - your beary tasty creations have been an enormous part of my life and will continue to be for years to come.  Your legacy lives on in my dental bills I still need to pay.  God bless you.  HaRIPo, Hans.  HaRIPbo.  (Thanks to Manton for coining this term.)

We will miss you, Hans
 And now back to our regularly scheduled program:

I clumsily stumbled down the aisle of the plane, bumping people’s heads with my tattered, half-zipped suitcase (thereby exposing my wine-stained bridesmaids dress) as I disorientedly searched for my seat number: 32A.   As I made the poverty march toward the very rear of the plane I began to feel shaky and doomed.  And so began my downward aviatophobic spiral into despair...

“S’cuse me,” I muttered to the 2 worms people sitting in my row.  “I-I’m by the window.”  The two looked up at me and took notice of my disheveled hair which had been tousled into a state of tangled disarray as a result of some very aggressive headbanging at my friends wedding reception the night before.   I took my seat and looked out the window, savoring my last few moments on the ground.  I was already an emotional mess after having said goodbye to my very best friends who I rarely see.  This combined with my intense fear of flying and a terrifically severe hangover proved to be too much for my already fickle nervous system to withstand.  I flung my purse underneath the seat in front of me, prompting the lady ahead of me to stir.  As we prepared for takeoff I could feel my heart rate begin pick up speed. I clutched my armrest (consequently knocking my neighbors arm off of it) and began to breathe heavily and obnoxiously as though I was participating in a special Olympics Lamaze class.    

My neighbor (let's call him Oscar, because he was a fucking grouch) shot me some pretty frightening side glances as I looked up and audibly silently freaked out as the plane jolted and jerked its way into the air.  The first half of the flight was a blur.  I remember trying to hold Oscar's arm 5 or 16 times and looking to him for solace any time we hit even the slightest bit of turbulence. But the minute my tear-filled eyes met his he immediately pulled his ginormous headphones over his ears.   There he sat, deadpanned, lost in his music. I didn't really blame him - I was definitely a sight to behold. My crinkled false eyelashes from the wedding clung to my eye lids, struggling to hold on - refusing to give up hope even though they were pretty much done for.  Metaphorically speaking, it was likeI was my false eye lashes. 

It took awhile for the stewardesses (uh, pardon me - flight attendants) to near the back of the plane with the beverages.  By the time they reached us, the flight had gotten unbearably bumpy, and I had started to cry.  I thought about ordering a cocktail to try and soothe my nerves but ended up opting against it as my dear liver had been through enough over the weekend.  I knew I needed some comfort though.  So when the stewardess asked me if I wanted a  drink I looked up at her like a frightened puppy and cried harder as I asked her how much longer we had.  The drink cart swayed as we hit more turbulence and at that point I had resorted to praying, even though I'm not a religious person - not even a little bit, not even at all. 

 "We've probably got another 2 hours, sweetheart.  You okay?  Is it a boy?  If it is - he's not worth your tears." 

"No!  For once it's not about a boy.  I hate flying." I stammered.  "Like, I really, really hate it." ( remember this post --> duh.)

Oscar looked up at the stewardess as well as if to say "Please do something about this mess next to me."

"Here.  Come back with me and I will get you a cold compress." 

Long story shart, I spent the remainder of the flight sitting in the tail of the aircraft betwixt two concerned US Scare flight attendants, donning a cold compress on the back of my sore neck.  I deboarded the plane feeling relieved.  Even though I'd lost a set of fake eyelashes and my dignity, I felt proud of myself for making it through another fucking flight without perishing.

Why is this story relevant?  Welp, I'll tell you.  Every time I fly I think about my karma.  These kinds of thoughts go through my head: This plane's going to crash because I insert something bad here.  Last time I flew and had a mini-freakout I decided to retire my FuglyMuniShoes segment (REMEMBER?) and resolved to stop making fun of people I see on public transportation in a conscious effort to garner better karma.  So this time I thought about retiring my tinder segment but then realized that would be the biggest mistake of my life so quickly ruled that out and decided I would give up social smoking for a weekend in February instead.  So - without further ado, I bring you Toe Pick VS Tinder Part 4.  If you missed the first 3 toe pick VS tinderz and  need an explanation as to how this all goes down just click herehere and here. OK:

The Gurl who only communicates via N'Sync lyrics: 
No explanation needed.





The Gurl who Spits Out Complete Nonsense.
My favorite prankster, Jack Vale does this bit on YouTube where he drives around random parking lots spewing out nonsense to random people.  It tends to make people feel a little crazy. (Click here to watch my idol in action and to laugh your arse off) Jack Vale's antics were my inspiration for this tinder gurl.  Have a look:




Oh.  Hi Ajit.

Hi Ali.  Bye Ali!


Debbie Downer
This Tinder Gurl is plagued by constant problems. Simply put: Deborah Downer was dealt a shitty hand and she has no problem venting to whoever will listen to her.  

Mike is such a jokester.  Debbie doesn't find him funny and instead feels threatened.  



Chris is sensitive, persistent and doesn't seem fazed by Debbie's complicated life.
                                                                 *come in the form of tiny*  (sorry- the text was cut off)



 Jason hearts Debbie 


Ali finds my predicaments to be haha inducing


The Immature Sheltered Gurl who asks really personal questions

I struggled with whether or not to feature this one because it's gross.  Also - you can't really tell from Barrett's pic but he is quite the bulky one.  Looks like B likes to hit the gym a time or eleven. 





the ToePick Tranny


The Contaminated Gurl who won’t be Objectified.  

(She also contracted lice from her cousin Debbie Downer)



The Cliche Gurl.  
This gurl only communicates via cliche's.  Suhas doesn't seem fazed by the fact that Cliche Gurl has a husband.  #ShameOnSuhas

The One Upper who is also a commitment-phobe
If you've done something, this girl has done it better.  It's just that simple.  She is based on Penelope - a character played by Kristin Wiig on SNL (watch her in action here).  She is terrifically obnoxious.

                                 

Hi Jess.  I'm better than you!



...and that's all she wrote.  Have a great week and I'll catch ya later!

xo, Nigel