Monday, January 21, 2013

It Happened To Me: I am Dating a Guy I *met* on the Muni

Snarling on the Muni
I charged out of my apartment building, disheveled, hurried and annoyed.  I cursed my blow drying skills (or lack thereof) and anti frizz products as the dense, all encompassing San Francisco fog marinated in my locks, fro-ing it out to the point of no hope.  I pulled it back into a ponytail and began my hike up the hill toward my bus stop, struggling to keep my composure as I rulked (run + walked).  I was running late as per usual.  I could hear the bus making it's way toward my stop and at that point I began running in my heels, flailing my arms in hopes that the driver would see me and wait.  He did.  As I climbed onto the bus I surveyed the seating options and opted to stand.  It was either that or sit in a seat partially occupied by a large man's right butt cheek.  The only redeeming part of taking the Muni every morning is that I am faced with the possibility of finding some good Toe Pick material.  But for the most part it sucks.  It smells.  People are pushy and almost always accidentally brush past me, grazing my butt in the process.  I feel uncomfortable, claustrophobic and violated on the bus.  Skimming through instagram and facebook on my phone is my only escape but that gets old after about 5 minutes.  That's normally when I begin my hunt for TPSF material.

It was on this particular morning that I felt the need to really peruse my surroundings and get to know my fellow muni riders.  After all, I hadn't posted a segment of FuglyMuniShoes in awhile. As I looked around I came upon a GUY. A hot one.  He was wearing a navy Patagonia rain jacket.  Patagonia.  He must be normal - I thought.  I perked up, let my hair down and inconspicuously glanced down at my phone, intermittently looking at him throughout the rest of the trip.  I was excited.  Giddy, even.  I'd never seen a hot guy on the Muni.  In fact, I thought it was like, against the law to be good looking and ride the muni. I brushed past him as I got off at my stop - hoping he'd catch a whiff of my new perfume sample.  I hope I see him again I thought to myself.  And I did.  Morning after morning.  As each day passed I found myself trying to look cute in my Ellen Degeneres-esque work outfits.  I even got up a little earlier to try and give myself extra time to tame my fro.  Riding the bus every morning went from miserable to exhilarating.  Each morning I could feel my heart begin to beat faster and faster as the bus pulled up to my stop. "HEY! GOOOOD MORNING!" I'd say to the deaf Asian driver.  I felt like Richard Simmons on Ecstasy - I was so happy to have a Muni crush.

Fast forward 2 months later to my 30th birthday party at CC's, my favorite SF dive bar.  It was nearing last call and I stepped outside with some of my gurlfriendz to smoke a cig.  As I puffed away I looked up and THERE HE WAS.  Bus Babe.  (ugh - I just goobed myself out writing that: Bus babe? ew.)  My mom's voice rang through my head: "Smoking is unattractiiive, Alexaaaandraaaa."  I promptly tossed my p-funk, slathered on some lip gloss and mustered up the courage to waltz right up to him.  "Haaay!  You're on my bus!  You ride the 3?!  Right?" I squealed in my Valley Girl Accent.  (note: My VGA is wildly enhanced after a few vodka sodas.)  Much to my excitement, he recognized me.  We chatted for a few minutes when all of the sudden my friend grabbed me by my arm and pulled me aside.  She shoved her bronzer mirror in my face.  "SMILE, Alexandra."  She demanded.  I did as I was told and gasped when I saw bright red gum stuck between my 4 front teeth.  He probably thinks I am a vampire or have a mean case of gingivitis, I thought.  Somehow he overlooked my smile mishap and continued to talk to me.  

Long story shart:  We exchanged digits and have been hanging out a lot since we met.  Hot Muni Boy (moving forward: HMB) has turned out to be HILARIOUS and fun as shit.  We spend the *majority* of our time together laughing.  Like, really hard.  I am thrilled to have met someone with a razor shart sense of humor.  After all, a stellar sense of humor is the most important thing for a boyf to have, IMHO. Of course, this relaysh is only 5 weeks old.  But I have already learned some valuable lessons about what not to say/do early on.  Of course, I've gotten a little help from my male friends via gchat.  (namez have been changed).

3:09 PM 
Hebert: in a class all day
  no can speaky
  you behave this weekend
  get laid
  don't be annoying
  go home on Sunday if he seems like he has shit to do
  that's all
  have a lovely day
3:13 PM 
me: aw thanks Herb.  
  love you

GCHAT WITH TYRONE: resist the urge to say exactly whats on your mind
 but not to the point of playing games.  just play it a little cooler
 and dont worry... if you're not married by age 55 i will gladly marry you
 me: aww thanks Ty.  You are the breast!
4:00 PM you will make a wonderful 3rd wife
me: i mean i dont understand - i cant play games but i cant be honest
guys are confuzing!
4:01 PM just play it cool
 wear shades and listen to jazz music
 maybe light up a smoke

My biggest mistake thus far?  Trying to DTR (Define The Relationship) with HMB after 2 weeks of dating.  I know not to do that again.  Big mistake. BIG. HUGE. I was made painfully aware of my blunder by approx 27 friends who chastised me for committing this dating faux pas.  I now know: it's breast to just let a relationship progress naturally.  Labels are for clothes and purses.  In my defense: I have barely ever been in a relationship - how was I to know that having the "Where is this going" talk on day 13 is taboo?  STRIKE 1.

Clearly, as the above paragraph implies, everything has not been rainbows and butterfliez in this courtship.  Getting to know someone you're interested in romantically can be daunting and a bit nerve racking. AMIRIGHT?  Lemme tell you: Riding the bus at 7 40am with a guy you've just started seeing is ultra-uncomfortable.  Why?  Because it's quiet.  Awkwardness permeates the air.  Both parties are barely awake. People stare. The seats are so close.  It smells. Conversation is strained as you can't really talk about anything of substance because everyone's listening.  Let me give you some insight into how things went down on the bus the first time we rode it together as a pseudo couple.  This will be in script-ish form:

credit: Hyperbole and A Half blog - tpsf's inzpiration

I climb onto the Muni and take a seat really close to the front.  Just call me the opposite of Rosa Parks.  I may as well have been sitting on the driver's lap.  I get a text message from HMB. "You on the bus?  See you soon."  I begin to panic.  I check my make-up in the rear view mirror and button my Ellen Degeneres blazer.  I pull my shades over my eyes.  (Sunglasses are my Number 1 weapon against awkward eye contact)  They immediately begin to fog up.  I can't see shit.  The heat from my nervousness combined with the fact that I have just climbed up a monstrous hill have made it impossible to see through my lenses.  I wipe them down, put them back on, and they promptly fog back up.  Fuckit, I think.  I will look at him through fog.  I can do this:  After all, I live in the foggiest city in the world: this is my bag. 

We near his stop.  I catch a glimpse of him waiting.  I pull my phone out and begin scrolling through instagram pics, staring at them intently - as if I am trying to do long division in my head. (Must. Look. Busy. And. Important.)  He boards and walks to the front of the bus and I look up breezily.  

Me: Oh, hi. 

(HMB can clearly sense my uneasiness and sits one seat over from me to give me space, I assume)

HMB:  Hey.  How's your morning?  Why did you sit so close to the front today?

Me:  Oh.  I don't know.  Um.  I like the front.  Yeah.  I can get carsick if I sit in the back.  Actually, maybe I did it because I'm nervous, I guess.  

(Did I really just say that?  Shut up, Alexandra)

HMB: Oh yeah?

Me: Um yeah.  I have a tendency to sit near the front when I'm nervous.  (Bad joke.  I try and laugh it off.  HMB remains serious)

HMB:  What's up with your sunglasses?

(I tense up.  WHAT THE FUCK.  He can see the fog on my lenses.)

Me: Haha.  Oh - It must be because it's so hot in here. 

(I reach up to open the window.  I struggle to pull it open to no avail.  I curse child lock as I look back down at my phone to begin instagramming again.  At this point more people have boarded the bus so HMB moves over one seat and is now right next to me.)

HMB:  You think it's hot in here or do you think you're just nervous?

Me:  Ugh.  Both, I guess.

8 minutes later (conversation has become more strained and forced than any other conversation in the history of conversations.  I think at one point I even bring up the subject of how V8 juice is made)...

Me: OMG look at the girl who just got on - she looks like Snooki!

No comment from HMB.  4 minutes later...

Me: Look at this other girl across from us - she looks like Amy Winehouse!  I need to take a picture of her for Toe Pick.  (I hold up my phone to get a picture)

HMB:  Alexandra, please stop.  You're making me uncomfortable.

(The Muni comes to our stop 3 mins later.  We both get off and before we go our separate ways he goes in to kiss me.  Just as he does, I look up and he ends up kissing my nostril.)

Me: Buh bye!  H-h-have a good day.

(I speed down the street and I can hear him laughing at me as I struggle to powerwalk in my heels.)

So, yeah.  That's how our first Muni ride as a "couple" went.

Aside from all this awkwardness I am excited about our future.  Assuming there is one after I post this.

Ok, Happy Tuesday.

Love You More Than Puppies. (LYMTP)