Monday, April 1, 2013

Owner of a Lonely Heart: Toe Pick takes on Tinder

Online dating:  I didn't realize until last week just how much Toe Pick material I could garner by participating in it.  So, without further ado: let's get this party sharted!

It happens about once every three weeks or so: a married friend, a coworker or a family member will urge me to join either, E-Harmony, OKCupid, etc.  Their encouragement is almost always accompanied by a story about how they have a friend or family member who met his/her boyfriend/girlfriend online.  Their testimonials are almost so convincing that I sometimes wonder if they secretly work in sales at or whatever.

"You should join MATCH!  My friend's sister's cousin's dog walker's pediatrician's locksmith found her husband on Match!  Don't feel weird - just do it!  What have you got to lose!?  You're 30!"

 ME GIVING IN to online dating.
(and yes, i gave myself bigger boobs, bangs and skinnier arms. lay off.)
I've always scoffed at the idea of meeting a guy online.  I just figured it would be hard (that's what he said) for me to reconcile the fact that I met my boyfriend on the internet, even if I really liked him.  BUT, seeing how I am more single than Pope Francis at the moment I thought to myself, why not give it a shart shot?  So I signed up with Tinder and OkCupid and I've realized that online dating still isn't my bag, but it sure is entertaining.  I've especially been having fun with the app Tinder.  I'd never heard of it until about a week ago when my guy friend told me that every single person he knows is on it.  It works like this: the app detects single guys (who are also signed up with Tinder) in your area by using a GPS system - guys who are interested in you can choose to "like" you. Then, if you "like" them back they are notified and it's a MATCH.  I liked the concept of it - it gives you an opportunity to weed out any dbags guys who may not be your type.  However, when I joined it I knew this was the perfect chance for me to get TPSF material.  And when it comes to Toe Pick material, I don't discriminate. I looked at joining Tinder as  part of my TPSF fieldwork.  So, I liberally "liked" a bunch of guys as I knew I had to score a variety of matches.  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.  Once each guy was notified that I'd liked them back they each sent me a message.  This is where the fun part comes in:  I took on different personas as I responded to each dude and well, just read.

(hope you like my bootleg illustrations and I hope I don't come off as mean for having a little bit of fun with these handsome princes who are all about 18 years old and are most likely looking to get laid.  A prank is defined as a trick of an amusing, playful nature; these pranks are light-sharted so no judgments please..!)

the woman-child.
The Woman-Child is a girl who is extremely childish and irritating.  She's around 26 and collects things like rocks, bugs, twigs, and shells.  She is characterized by her excessive use of emoticons and acronyms.  She talks in a baby voice.  She is giddy, painfully annoying and hangs out with her parents a lot.  I used this persona with 3 different guys.


bryan, meet W-C.

oh.  hay rhett.

This girl is a judge-y bitch.  She is extremely passionate about her religion and attends church/bible study at least thrice every a week.  She will not tolerate those who do not.  She was raised in a convent.  She is tightly wound and will not stand for anyone who is not a devout  Christian.  Her below comments are soaked in passive aggression and condescension.   


This girl just doesn't know when or how to shut the fuck up.   She offers up unnecessary, unprompted information about herself that no one really cares to hear about (fuck, am I describing myself and Toe Pick?). She says things like "egads", "pookie bear" and complains about boring things.  Someone call the WAAAA-MBULANCE!

joe, meet the OVER SHARER.  She's a real piece of work.

the girl version of Ryan Lochte. #JEAH!
This girl constantly uses the phrase coined by Ryan Lochte: JEAH.  She is a douchebag.

This girl dives into a relationship headfirst.  She is possessive, clingy and needy (think: Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers).

leo- meet the S5C

this girl tries to act like a thug.

JASON, meet Rhianna Wannabe-Gurl

the schizophrenic who is also a poor speller.

the cliche gurl.
this girl only writes in cliches.

   Finally - the multifaceted Gurl


And that's a wrap.  I would like to thank the boys who involuntarily participated in this Toe Pick post.  Y'all are a bunch of tolerant people.  Love ya, muah!

Have a happy Tuesday.
xo, Nige