Friday, May 31, 2013


Dear cold cawlling,

Dear Spray Tan, I need you.xo, Nige
I wrote the majority of this post 3 weeks ago - so let's act like I'm not incapable of completing things on time and pretend it's 3 weeks ago, mmkay?  I "house-sat" for my brother over the weekend in Marin and although I've spent most of the last 48 hours in complete seclusion I feel like I accomplished quite a bit.  I'd spent all of my work week cold calling - which is something I've kind of gotten used to doing but I must admit - getting rejected and scoffed at nearly 90 times a day is starting to ware on me.  Given my history with guys you'd think I've developed a thick skin when it comes to hammer dialing and getting hung up on but I haven't.  So I welcomed the opportunity to escape to my big brother's place.  His house is like a little sanctuary surrounded by weeping willows swaying in the breeze - it's all so relaxing.  

So what did I do during my alone time?  I sifted through a mountain of self-help books, worked on TPSF, caught up on the 2nd season of Girls, and didn't drunk text my ex - so, even though I Ted Kaczynski-ed it for a couple days, it was all worth it.

Help me, Rhonda... help help me Rhonda

I'm a huge Lena Dunham fan but must she be naked in nearly ever scene?  I cannot un-see her bare butt and thighz :(
The Willows at Josiah'z house
Ok.  Let's get sharted, shall we? (again, most of the the following is from 3 weeks ago):

Toe Pick has taken the hot new dating app Tinder by storm!  Last week I premiered my first installment of Toe Pick VS Tinder and I am excited to bring you the sequel.  Before I begin, I must tell you that this whole process has been fairly exhausting.  I kind of feel like a polygamist – juggling all these relationships and trying to keep up with all these of 18 year old suitors is taking it’s toll.  I don’t know how Tiger Woods did it! 

Just to refresh your memory: Tinder is an app equipped with a GPS system that enables you to find singles in your area.  You can check out their profiles and click “like” if you’re interested – and if they have liked you too are you notified of the MATCH.  Then, the guy will inevitably send you a message to get a conversation rolling. The majority of the kids that use this app are under 20 – so I kind of feel like Mary Kay Letorneau but whatevs.  I’ve managed to connect with a few young men – and with each one, I have taken on a different persona. The key when executing these pranks is to be just flirty enough to peak their interest but also to be extremely irritating, shallow and idiotic.  Oh, and it's important to use the term LOL a lot.  Or LMFAO.  Both are equally as painful.  The beauty of LOL is that it can be used non-sparingly.  Like, it can be used when something's not funny at all.  For example:

"Lol. I'm so tired lol. I might go to bed early! LOL.  I have to be at work by around 9am lol." 

 There is nothing in the above dialogue that would evoke audible laughter but still, people use LOL more than I use my Walgreen's membership card to get discounted Haribo's.  It's the Rosie O'Donnell of acronyms.  Simply painful and blown up. 

Ok, let's get sharted.  Here are a list of my Tinder characters accompanied by their interactions with the poor boyz (victims).  Please note:  I decide to break up with several of them. Because it's normal to formally end a 3 day "relationship" comprised of absurd banter on a fucking dating app.  *Also, in some instances, I have combined personas because I felt like it.

The Foreign Civil Rights Activist.  
The foreigner is a girl who has only been in the states for several years.  Her English speaking capabilities are limited to quite limited.  Not only can she barely speak a lick of English, but her IQ is lower than my bank account after a night at PF Chang’s.  She's also an avid civil rights enthusiast.

                    MY NAME A BORAT. I LIKA YEW.


The Humblebragger.
Humblebragging is perhaps one of the top 10 chafes in the land.  A humblebrag is a form of self promotion where the bragger accompanies his/her boasting with undertones of humility in an attempt to mask his/her outright gloating and in doing so comes off as a giant chafehole (combo of asshole + chafe AKA my new favorite word) .  His/her bragging is so transparent it's almost vomit inducing.  It's one thing to straight up brag about something (that I can accept - if you're going to brag: own it) but it's another to try and pass said brag-age off as modesty.  

For example: It is preferable for one to write:

"Amazing view from our hotel balcony Hawaii tonight....#
nofilter" (accompanied by the quintessential sunset insta-shot)

as opposed to:

"Not a bad view to wake up to after a red eye flight from NYC.  Thank god the 4 Seasons has a wake-up call, I was so exhausted I could have slept all day! Not sure the concierge appreciated my clumsiness as I tried to assist them with my custom-made Louis Vuitton luggage.#blessed"  

The King of the Humblebrag?  Owen Wilson's character in Meet the Parents.  This Tinder gal is like the female version of him. 


The One-Upper:
I modeled this Tinder Gurl after my favorite character on SNL, Penelope.  She will take anything anyone says and one-up the shit out of them. Have a look at Tinder Gurl working her impossibly irritating magic (sidenote: she starts off humblebragging - also, I apologize for the poor crop jobz): 



The Apologetic Feminist. 
This girl is feisty but she apologizes for it.  She is a die-hard feminist who will not stand for the objectification of women.  She works for the NWA (AKA National Woman's Association AKA a woman’s coalition that I made up).  She also has dentures.  I broke it off with this guy after the conversation took a turn into Pervertville.


Hi Matt.  Bye Matt.

The self-proclaimed smartass, wannabe comedienne.  
This girl thinks she’s SOOO funny but in reality, her dialogue is characterized by clich├ęs, one-liners from the 90’s and an obnoxious undertone that is barely tolerable. She also relies heavily on repetition. (Wait.  Did I just describe myself?  RATS!)   


OK. I think I'm going to hang up my tinder hat for awhile.  Cawl me.

xo, Nige.

PMS.  This post is a sequel to THIS post, in case you missed it.