Wednesday, September 11, 2013

How to Lose a Guy on Tinder: Toe Pick VS Tinder PART 3!

the star of this toe pick post.
Ms. Deborah Downer 
Hi little worms.

As I've mentioned, my Tinder app has been defunct for a couple months so I haven't been able to complete my Tinder trilogy.  This morning I woke up a with a new found resolve to get to the bottom of this pressing issue.  I leaped from my bed and raced to the Apple store, determined to confront the situation head-on.  I waltzed up to an Apple employee and explained my predicament.

"Do whatever you need to do - I just want to get my Tinder app back!" (I paused to gauge the guy's reaction to my hysteria.  He appeared to be alarmed and concerned.)

"Miss.  Do you have everything backed up on iClouds?"

"Who?  What?  I don't know what that is - sorry, I'm a technophobe."

I gave him my phone.

"Do you mind entering your password?" He asked as he handed me my phone back and began to hover over me like a vulcher.

I grabbed my phone and turned away from him as I punched "6969" onto my key pad.  The guy already thought I was a desperate Tinder-obsessed chick, I didn't need him to know think I was a pervert as well.  I handed the phone back to him and he examined it for a few minutes.  The longer he looked at it the more paranoid I became.

"Y-you're not looking at any of my pictures or reading any of my texts are you? I mean, I don't care, it's just that-"

"Miss," he interrupted, "it looks like we might have to reboot and restore your phone.  If you choose to go this route everything on your phone will be deleted - all of your contacts, photos and apps.  I'd say your best option is to buy a new phone."

"No - that's not going to work.  I'm getting my hair highlighted next weekend.  I'd rather spend my money on that! White Gurl Problems.  Hahahaa. Ha."  I laughed nervously.

The Apple guy remained serious.

"So - you're saying we can just wipe the slate clean on your phone?"

"As long as I can access Tinder I don't care what you have to do."  My heart began to race and I started to feel hot - scared, even.

"Hang on."  The concerned Apple guy walked over to his Apple friends and I could hear him whispering to them as they all turned and looked at me like I was a leper.

"She says she doesn't care if we delete all of her data - she only cares about getting Tinder back."  

Long story shart, my phone is now completely empty but I was able to download tinder again which brings me to TOE PICK VS. TINDER PART 3.  Ah, the things I'll sacrifice for TPSF. 

 I've never been into fishing.  I guess I just can't get on board with giving fish cheek piercings they didn't sign up for.  For me going on Tinder for Toe Pick material is the equivalent to a guy (or gurl) going fishing - only it's harmless.  And, as I've said before, there's been a major lull in my life ever since Amanda Bynes was admitted to a mental hospital and has consequently been unable to tweet.  Tindering has sure kept me busy. So without further ado, let's get this party sharted.  If you haven't read the first 2 segments of this trilogy then I am hurt, here's a quick refresher:  I connect with different guys on Tinder and take on different personas as I correspond with each one (sometimes I take on the same persona with multiple suitors).  *Read THIS for further explanation.* These guys are absolutely clueless great sports.   Here we go now:

The Shakespearean Mother
This woman behaves as though she is living in the olden days.  Her last name is MacBeth.  Oh, and she also has a child.   (Sidenote: One of my profile pictures on Tinder is of me and my niece Ellie so a lot of these endearing idiots guys assume she is my daughter.  I would like to thank my sister for involuntarily letting me use her child as a means for garnering Toe Pick fodder.  You're the breast, Elizabreast.) 
Lady MacBeth

The Cat-Lover.
This one needs no explanation.  This lady is obsessed with her cat.  Like, it's unsettling.  She also uses quotes from Brian Adams songs to convey her devotion to Tabitha - Tabby for short.


The girl who is probably really, really annoying on Instagram.  

She brags about the weather or her view in a competitive way and uses phrases like "Tough to beat this view," "I don't hate it," "Not bad for a Monday morning," etc.  For whatever reason I cannot stand this kind of rhetoric.  So to all you instagrammers who frequently use it: enough is enough.  #SorryImNotSorry.  (That's another one I loathe)

The One Upper
If you've done something, this girl has done it better.  It's just that simple.  She is based on Penelope - a character played by Kristin Wiig on SNL.  She is terrifically obnoxious.

 I guess Jon couldn't take the heat. :(
The Disgruntled Tennis player
This woman is a hardcore tennis player.  She is temperamental and gets irritated if a guy isn't Andre Agassi.

The Debbie Downer 
I modeled this girl after the famed SNL character, Debbie Downer.  The glass is half empty for Debbie.  Nothing ever goes right and she's always finding herself in the shittiest predicaments.  Poor, poor girl.

Brian the involuntary therapist

The Woman-Child
This is a girl trapped in a grown woman's body.  She is immature and slightly perverted.  Oh, and her dad's a Chiropractor.  I chose to end this conversation because this particular suitor began to make me feel uncomfortable.  I guess I deserved it. PS. Have y'all ever seen Grandma's Boy? (If you haven't you must) doesn't this tinder guy remind you of him?

The bomb-dropper. 
 This girl drops really socially unacceptable bombs almost immediately into each conversation.


The Gurl Version of Michael Scott.
You've seen The Office.  This gurl is just like Michael Scott: an obnoxious yet lovable goober who just doesn't know when to throw in the towel.  She is terrifically irritating.  (And no, this character is not based on me)


The girl who is picky about liquids
No explanation needed.

Heather the Humblebragger
Humblebragging is the godfather of One-upping.  I actually don't mind one-uppers as much as I do humblebraggers.  Why?  Because people who gloat are at least being honest in their intent to make you feel beneath them.  Humblebraggers will slyly, and humbly brag by saying something like "Ugh.  Zac Posen always wants to hang out when I'm just getting off a redeye from Madrid and feeling exhausted." A word to the humblebragger: Enough!  We all know what you're trying to pull, Transparent Tanya.


The Cliche Gurl.
This girl only communicates in cliches.  She is a nuisance and extremely frustrating to talk to.  I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

The 'how to lose a guy in 10 days girl'   
This girl is desperate to get married and have babies.  She pesters these poor guys relentlessly.  She says all the wrong things and is irritating.  


Hi Nat.  Bye Nat.

And last but not least, I give you proof that I have really made my mark on the Tinder community:

And that's all she wrote...

Happy Thursday, folks!

xo, Nige