Friday, December 19, 2014

True Life: I'm in Love

The thing I find most challenging about writing Toe Pick is coming up with catchy titles for posts.  Titles are extremely important and I suck at creating them.  I was checking my stats yesterday and noticed that my post from a couple days ago about how I lost my babysitting job got NINE times as many pageviews as the one you're reading now.  I realized that if I ever want to monetize TPSF I had better step up my game in the Title department.  People like to read about drama and people being in love (this was my most viewed post) so I changed the title to this post - and it's not deceiving.  I am in love with Buttery Chard and those little brown things in Chex Mix as the subsequent text so indicates.  Enjoy and cawl me.

My birthday is less than a week away.  I realize the older I get the more I want a boyfriend, a clue and a tempurpedic bed discover what it is that I truly love and loathe in life.  To commemorate another year of my relentless march toward death, I've made 2 separate lists illustrating said discoveries so without further ado, let's get it sharted in here.  And might I suggest making a list like this for yourself, if only to help me to feel less self-indulgent because it's narcissistic good to be introspective.  

Loves

1. Buttery Chardonnay 
I realize this makes me an anomaly and I'm very self-conscious about that because chardonnay causes the majority of humans to feel car sick but I'm okay with that because I think it's the breast.  Plus, red wine makes my heart race and makes me look like a vampire stains my chompers, so perhaps that's why I savor the effects of smooth, golden, calming BC so much. 

Nothing melts my butter quite like a buttery chard.  

2.  Haribo Gummi Bears (especially frozen ones) and my Gummi bear nightlight
I realize I needn't elaborate on this as I've professed my love for these delectably chewy creatures for the past 4 years on TPSF so I'll stop it right now.  



3. Those little brown things that come in Chex Mix (i realize how that sounds - get your mind out of the gutter, people)
 I am not sure of their official title, but I would marry one if I could, they're that fucking good.

OH.  Hi little weird round brown things that aren't turds.
4.  Avoiding Small Talk
I've gotten really good at this.  I can even do it on elevators.  The trick is to hone in on and stare at the buttons as if you're completely transfixed by them.  The other 'vator riders will think you're such a fucking weirdo that they'll be too scared to try and make small talk with you. 

SO that's what the # 32 looks like, I'll be darned! 
                                           
5. Writing. 
I've never liked any of my jobs and I didn't do well in school so I am thankful to have discovered my passion for writing a few years ago.  It's the breast therapy I've had.

                                          
                          
LOATHES 

1.  Moving.  
I've had to do it 8 times in the past 10 years.  Why?  Because one CL roommate I had owned a cat who she loved so much she'd bring him into the bathroom with her and the others found boyfriends who turned into fiances and OH MY GOD moving is such a CHAFE, why am I perpetually single.   


                           
shirtz & jeans
2.  Debit cards.  
I don't know if the issue is that I don't love debit cards so much as it is that they don't love me.  I certainly can't seem to hold onto one for longer than  few months a year and OH MY GOD stop judging me and my flakiness.  


4.  Pube-lic transportation.
Forgive me for not being a fan of sharing a seat with a large man's right ass cheek.  I realize it's Christmastime but I'm not fucking Santa so please get off my lap, Norman.  (The man in the photo below looked like a Norman.)  Also, I'm not a fan of crowds, foot-long rat tails and women's exposed crotches.


QUE HORROR!

    

5. A pigeon.
Especially this one who decided to join me for lunch.



 6.  Cooking.
The only thing I am good for when it comes to cooking is identifying which inhabitant of the ocean a piece of chicken I'm working with resembles (see below).  Cawl me.

not sure what this cooking utensil is but it looks major
 7.  The DMV
I've had to go to the DMV thrice this year and I liken it to the 7th circle of hell.  I think I'd rather grow a set of balls on my forehead than spend another minute there.

8.  TURBULENCE 
My friend directed me to THIS footage from a couple of days ago and OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW IN THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET ON A PLANE IN 2 DAYS.  

LOVE/LOATHE

There are things that I both loathe and love about the following life things.

1. Sunday Funday
I have a love/hate relationship with Sunday Fundays.  On the one hand, I like pounding sipping Whispering Angel at an outside table at Perry's with my delinquent friends and having deep conversations that I don't remember with Randoms... it's all fun and games until the moment I crawl into an Uber at 7:30pm only to get home and face plant onto my bed to endure night terrors until I have to wake up and head into work at 8am Monday morning.


2. Work/Office Stuff.
I loathe my flat-faced stapler and when my phone charger gets snagged up in my chair wheel...



...but I kind of love the fact that ever since our office has run out of cups I've had to drink water from a bowl like a fucking cat.  "Why don't you just buy a cup from Walgreens or something?"  Passersby wanna know. "Because, mind your own fucking business, Felicia."  




3. Online Dating
I've never been able to take it seriously, even though a ton of people have told me to try it so I don't end up alone surrounded by cats and tubs of cool whip.  I know it's worked for lots of people but I just can't get on board.  

Hi encouraging friends!
I do love online dating in the sense that it allows me to pull pranks on people which is a passion of mine.


DEBBIE DOWNER




Ok.  Good-bye.
xo,
Nige

Monday, December 8, 2014

All I want for Birthmas is...

Almost 32 26 years ago I was delivered  home.  It was the best day of my parents' life a bitterly cold, snowy Christmas morning in Virginia.  That's right, I was delivered home on Christmas morning which might explain why I'm so Christ-like.  Having a birthday so close to Christmas presents a number of problems.  For one, it makes it glaringly obvious that I was an "accident" or as my mom says, a "surprise."  For reals, what mother would plan/elect to be 9 months pregnant around Christmastime - a distinctly busy part of the year where occasional heavy lifting is required (those stockings filled with coal and orange peels don't hang themselves) and the stress of decorating, entertaining and dealing with in-laws is looming?   Number 2, people think they can get away with giving me one present for both my birthday and Christmas.  "Happy Birthmas!  Here's a single fat bag of coal, asshole!"  People are generally so wrapped up in decking the halls and stroking their yule logs that they don't devote a whole lot of attention to my birthday.  This is why my BFF Kristin is throwing me a birthday party this weekend - 2 weeks BEFORE  the anniversary of the day the world changed for the breast my actual birthday.  My party should be a blast - I force Kristin to throw it have it every year at CC's, the breast dive bar in the city and it really helps me to feel more relevant.

Last year at my party I almost dislocated my neck as a result of some extremely aggressive headbanging a really thoughtful guest brought me vodka soaked gummy bears and the year before some Random gave me a 50 pound gummi bear that  I insisted on carrying around with me all night.  Consequently, my massive bear was not only Mike Tyson-ed by some drunk idiot one of my dear friends, but he also acquired a sweater as a result of rubbing elbows with the party-goers.  It was a week after my party and I didn't want to be wasteful and I was also hungry so this guy I was dating (who I met on MUNI) and I decided to cut the sweater off the bear and eat the insides and OH MY GOD I just read this last sentence a few times and feel really weird about myself right now. 



But enough about earless 50 pound gummi bears and failed muni relationships.  

 I do don't consider myself to be a greedy, materialistic person which is why my Birthmas wish-list contains some intangible items.  Without further ado - let's get it sharted in here.

For Birthmas I would like....

1.  ... a apple



2. ... less Oxytocin.  (I would feature an image of Oxytocin but I really don't know what it would look like.  If I had to guess I would think something like this ---> @---!!!~#~~@~*@??)

3. ... for the boulder pictured below to be made into a key chain.  I lost my keys almost every other week this year this morning.  I sincerely don't think that God intended for me to own keys.   So, if someone could gift me with a 2,500 boulder key chain to ensure that I would always be able to locate my keys I would be forever grateful.


4. ... for people on social media to stop using the terms "bae," "basic bitch," "I can't even," "I know, right?" and " though" or "doe" at the end of sentences.  Seriously, though.  

5. ... the app called "Forbid" that was invented by Marnie's boyfriend in the second season of Girls.  It's an app that forbids you from calling or texting your ex or crush after midnight.  If you do try and do this, you will be charged $20.  It's almost like this app was created specifically for me.   Seriously, doe.  :(

6. ... a new stapler - preferably one that doesn't gaze up at me with a flat face as if to say "Your day is going to suck balls - get ready to make 60 cold calls within 2 hours to people who have no desire to make small talk with you, you annoying little bitch." (and yes, this is what my desk looks like on any given day).



7 ... a blow-up boyfriend to help me fend off Sunday scaries.  It would be preferable for said blow-up boyfriend to not resemble Joey Buttafuoco though.  Thanks in advance!



8 ... more of an open mind.  I really think it's high time I stop with the tinder pranks.  Perhaps I should start taking it seriously so as not to end up cold and alone watching lifetime with a oodles o' cats.  Just kidding - I'll never stop with the tinder pranks - sorry Nader and Brian :(



9. ...an internal monologue.  My friend recently informed me that I don't have one, so I'd figured I should ask for one.

But seriously, what I really want for Birthmas is a rescue pit bull and Rag + Bone booties.  In that order.  


                                             



Happy Holidays from Toe Pick!  Hope you guys enjoy your Yule logs.

xo

PS.  I created an instagram account for Toe Pick.  You can follow me at toepicksf 0r "like" my facebook page here.  Thanks so much.  






Tuesday, September 16, 2014

You think You Know, But you Have NO IDEA

Hey there.  First off, I'd like to apologize for the piss-poor title of this post (borrowed from an old MTV show), I simply couldn't think of anything else. I also couldn't think of anything specific to write about but I have managed to put together a smorgasbord of random shit that's been going on in my life and in my head.   Enjoy!

1. It was last Monday morning in San Francisco.  The homeless people were shitting on the sidewalks birds were chirping and the marijuana smoke fog softly blanketed the bay.  I slumped sat at my desk perusing Onion articles responding to client emails when I noticed an article (a legit, non-satire one) at the bottom of my screen.  I immediately jolted upright in high alert when I noticed said article and OH MY GOD just have a look yourself and you'll see what I mean.  Utterly frightening.
Fuck Folgers, the worst breast part of waking up is seeing a cross between Annie Lenox and a vampire's O Face.  Amiright people?  This photo makes me feel better about being a single, involuntary celibate person.
2.  There are a lot of things that suck about working in an office, right?  The heinous carpeting, the maintenance guy with the chin strap who's always conveniently in the ladies bathroom "fixing the faucet", walking into the bathroom right as your boss is walking out (um s'cuse me BossLady, you're not supposed to be human - you're a robot who tells me what to do and gives me my paycheck, I do not need to know that you have IBS use the toilet), Monday morning small talk ("HI!  Happy Monday.  My weekend?  It was totally mellow!) (In reality you've got twigs in your hair from a night of hooking up with a random from Balboa in the bushes outside of your apartment at 2am and your pores are emitting mass quantities of Whispering Angel, but that's neither here nor there)) but for whatever reason, the thing that pisses me off the most is when my fucking phone cord gets snagged up in my chair wheel.  Dislodging it from said chair wheel is harder than R. Kelly at a urinal.

3. People rarely ever always ask me how I find the time in my single girl, lifetime movie watching busy/important schedule to work on Toe Pick.  Welp, I will tell you.  Editing resumes is a large part of my job as a recruiter.  So is bullshitting people.  So, I decided to combine these two aforementioned components of my job by incorporating my writing within a resume template - thereby duping any nosy passersby who want to nonchalantly ensure that I am working.  2 birds: DEAD.  Method of killing: ONE STONE.  Succkkaaas! (Can you spot my toe pick work hidden amongst the menial administrative tasks on the resume below?)
CANDIDATE NAME
Referred by Toe Pick SF
Toe Pick SF Services, Inc.
415-696-9696/ alexandra@toepicksf.com

PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE
TOE PICK SF, San Francisco , CA                                      Mnth/Yr- Mnth/Yr                                                      
Position (laid off)                                                                  
·         Provided executive support to three Managing Directors, three mid-level bankers and two junior bankers
·         Ideas: top 13 Biggest Facebook chafes; provide examples by pulling from own facebook wall
·         Coordinated extensive and intricate professional and personal travel arrangements for the MDs and their teams
·         Discuss humblebragging as it appears on instagram: "these moon shoes hurt"
·         Screened and answered calls, emails, and correspondence with professionalism and in a timely manner
·         The Bathroom selfie: If you think people want to see a pic of your mug in the same place you relieve yourself then urine the wrong place.
·         Interfaced with clients, high-level executives, project teams, vendors, and end users on a frequent basis
·         CHAFES: Mating cats in backyard, mosquitoes setting up shop on all parts of your body whilst in mid-slumber
·         Created PowerPoint presentations and Excel reports
·         Single in San Francisco: How many Lifetime movies did you watch on Friday night?
·         Provided Accounts Payable support by ensuring the timely payment of invoices, credit cards
·         TINDER pranks - feature Donny, Joe and Juan's responses to pranks
·         CELEB MUNI LOOKALIKES; Tonya Harding, Michael Jackson, Ross Perot
·         Office Management related duties included: oversaw facilities, vendor relations, office move
·         Accessible 24/7 via iPhone

3.  Cold calling.  I have to do it every single day.  I've gotten pretty used to it over the past couple of years.  However, if one said that one did not suffer from a small sting of rejection when a prospective client rejects one's advances, then one would be lying.  Getting rejected 46 times a day takes its toll, man.  But, the other day, I made one guy laugh during my pitch when I said to him "Hi, my name is Alexandra and I've recently been eating a number of wonderful Executive Assistants if you're interested.."  I meant to say meeting. Meeting, damnit.


GOOD AFTERNOON, I'M CALLING FROM CANNIBAL CAREER TEAM, INC.
4.  Shoes:  I have a hard time holding onto them.  I always lose one or both within 3 months of purchasing them.  I am convinced that they are all on an island somewhere with my misplaced debit cards, retainer and keys enjoying my predicaments.  How are shoes relevant to this post?  Because I left my go-to work shoes at a guys friends house last weekend and henceforth have to rock my back-up work shoes, which are pointier than Dolly Parton's nipples in Antarctica.  Seriously people, I feel like some kind of corporate witch.

                                         
**The sender's name and "penis in the shoe" picture have been blurred out for obvious reasons.  And just FYI - that is not my shoe and that is not his body part.  The picture was found on the Google.  Don't believe me? Google image that shit you non-trusting worm - don't say I didn't warn you.
witch shews
Also, I saw a giant Ugg in the back of a pick up truck last week.  Sorry if this bullet point is boring you, but it's my blog and I can discuss whatever I shoes to!  Ugh, that was weak.  Cawl me.

5. I am becoming way too preoccupied with attaining "likes" on instagram.  So much so, in fact, that I interrupted my coworker's sob story involving a brutal breakup with her boyfriend to vent about my noncumulative "like" situation.   Naturally, she was displeased.  Names have changed because I may be a lot of things but I'm not a dick.  Here's how that conversation went down:

Rhonda McDonald
i don't know I'm a mess
but we talked about where i was at.
and he got all tough and cold
and then he said, "i like you, Rhonda. A lot." and started telling me why
and how hard it was to be broken up and not see me
and got super choked up
and then started crying
i wanted to be like, dude, you don't like me you love me
i don't think i realized how messed up he still is over this

Alexandra Toe Pick
OMG speaking of crying...
i have only gotten 1 like on my instagram picture
and its been up for 10 minutes
i could cry, seriously.  Should i just take it down?
UGH.
Rhonda McDonald
ok, you really need to get some perspective Alexandra

6.  My twin lives in San Francisco, frequents The Plant Cafe, and I am convinced that the next time we lock eyes, one of us will indeed explode.

BOOM

Ok, that's all I got. Good bye!

Nige