Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Toe Pick VS Tinder Part Cinco: Featuring A Carrot and Some Easily Dupable Men

Happy new year folks!  Hope everyone had a great Christmas, errr… holiday.  I went back east for a couple of weeks which was a blast of icy cold wind to my entire person.  I got to spend time with my family and dogs in Virginia and also went to New York for New Years to visit a friend from college.  My New Years kiss was my hand, in case you were curious. Cawl me. 

All in all 2013 was a shit year for me so I've welcomed 2014 with open legs arms.  My top new years resolution is to stop caring so much about what people think.  Do you think that's a good resolution?  Or do you think I should make a different one?  What do you think?

I also resolve to hang up my spray tanning hat once and for all.  If only I hadn't blow dried my hair this night - then I'd reeeally look like the carrot.

My last resolution is to conquer my fear of flying.  I had a huge mini meltdown on Sunday when I flew back to SF.  In my defense, our pilot sounded like a 14 year old choir boy and I swear to Christ his voice cracked once when he reminded us that the fasten seat belt sign was on.  What's more, the turdturbulence was so bad as we flew over the Rockies that I agreed to take some kind of liquid lemon sedative from a fellow passenger. Sure, I considered the fact that it could've been roofies, but I chose to risk possibly being date raped by a 50 year old lady on a plane if it meant there was also a possibility of quelling my seemingly insurmountable anxiety.  For realz though, this fear of flying shit is becoming a real problem.  Gotta get it under control.
SCARED SHITLESS during some heavy TURDulence 

Seriously, I am looking forward to writing a lot more, laughing a lot more and tindering a whooole lot more in this new year.  Without further ado, feast your eyes on some of the breast Tinder material I've obtained over the past couple of months.  Before we shart I'd like to address a question I've been getting pretty frequently as I continue to be single day after day after day:

"Don't you think maybe you oughta start taking tinder seriously?  Why not give it a shot and date one of these guys!  You've got nothin' to lose!"

My answer to this question is a strong to quite strong F no.  The way I feel about tinder is the same way I feel about mushrooms:  It should be used for recreational purposes only.  

For my mom the few of you who aren't familiar with Tinder, it works like this:  the tinder app detects single guys (who are also on Tinder) in your area by using some kind of handy dandy GPS system.  Guys can check out  your profile and can choose to "like" you.  Then, if you like them back they are notified and it's a MATCH.  I like the concept of it - it gives you the opportunity to weed out any dbags guys who may not be your type without hurting anyone's feelings.  However, my objective is the opposite:  I liberally like a bunch of different guys in an effort to garner some good material for Toe Pick.  The weirder the guy, the better.  With each guy I take on different personas and see how they react.  The results are GOLD. Ok:

The Gurl who spits out random nonsense who also has a forgetful friend/relative named Don
The trick with this character is that she consistently weaves in and out of absurd banter in order to keep Timothy's attention.  Note how she asks him how his morning is at one point to ensure that he'll be receptive to more random dialogue.  She then turns things around on him so as to make him feel like the weirdo.  This was a very short-lived tinder relationship.  See ya around Timothan!

The Gurl who does not know what Century we are in.
This girl only communicates via Shakespearean Language.  She will not be swayed by the sweet words of present day mortals. 

The Punny, Word Play Gurl
This gurl meets a gentleman named Foad and loves to incorporate his name into everything she says.  She's also coming down with a cold.  She has a swollen lymph foad. Foad is in the middle of putting in a foad of laundry and is confused by Word Play gurl.

Meet Vijay-jay!  Yay!  I scream, you scream, we all scream for Vijay-Jay!
(Special thanks for the ever so charming Oprah for coining this term in like 1996 or whatever.  Without her this TPSF post would be slightly shorter  far less amusing.

The smart ass  (I must have been in a bad mood when I communicated with Ryan and in retrospect, I kind of feel like an asshole for being so rude.  If you're reading this Ry, I apologize.  Is it too late to 'pologiiize?  it's tooo laaaate...)

The Gurl who is Probably Really, Really Annoying on Instagram
She brags about the weather or her view in a competitive way and uses phrases like "Tough to beat this view," "I don't hate it," "Not bad for a Monday morning," etc.  For whatever reason I cannot stand this kind of rhetoric.  Enough's enough.

The Gurl with Multiple Personalities
This gurl responds to her own insights.  It confuses Laszlo. 

The Suspicious Gurl
This gurl has trust issues.  Like, Major ones.  She has been hurt before and is wary of any men who show interest in her.  Daniel is extremely defensive and doesn't understand why she is so skeptical of everything he says so things get pretty heated for awhile.   

 Kyce, on the other hand, is more privy to understanding the 'Spicious girl as he has just gotten out of a 4 year relationship.  My dialogue goes to shit when it becomes clear that Kyce has somehow discovered my blog and tries to bluff.  I knew this would happen at some point - and in a way, I feel honored and like I have really made my mark on the Tinder community.  That's all I've ever really wanted.

Finally, Casey just assumes 'Spicious Gurl is angry at the world.  He also has an adverse reaction to hash tags.  Have a look.

Debbie Downer

This character is one of my personal favorites.  She had been dealt a shitty hand and has no qualms with venting to whoever will listen.  You will notice below how she uses Omar as her sounding board.  She has lost her sea horse, her job and her voice all in one week.      

The Woman-Child
This is a 30 year old gurl who still lives with her parents.  She is extremely child-like, rebellious and irritating.  Matt is skeptical but doesn't seem to mind the fact that this gurl is a total freak.  

Annd that's all she wrote.  Happy Thursday and thanks for reading Toe Pick, wormz.
xo, Nige