Sunday, February 2, 2014

The World's 13 Biggest Facebook Chafes

I know what you're thinking:  me giving you tips on proper facebook ettiquette is about as absurd as Jerry Sandusky applying for a nannying position. And I resent that.  But hear (err... read) me out, I've been on The Book for almost a decade (eeek).  I'll be the last first to admit that I've done some things I haven't been proud of - like that one time, years ago, when I was trying to look up my crushes ex-girlfriend's facebook page and I accidentally typed in her name as my status.  I'd gone to bed shortly thereafter, and woke up to a slew of text messages from friends urging me to delete my facebook status immediately.  It still makes me cringe thinking about it.   Why God Why!?

Names have been changed for very, very obvious reasons.
But enough about the most embarassing thing that has ever happened to me.  I'm going to go ahead and state the obvious: facebook is a platform on which people market themselves in ways that aren't always an accurate depiction of real life.  2013 may have been, for the most shart part, a less than stellar year for me, but if you scroll through my facebook (or instagram) newsfeed you'd be tricked into thinking I was happier than a pig in shit.  I will be the first to admit that the majority of my instagram sunset photos are not only heavily filtered latergrams, but were posted while I was curled up in the fetal position, hungover, confused, sticky, and knee deep in General Tsos Chicken watching my 13th episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills/Atlanta/Orange County on a Sunday afternoon.  Let's face it: life isn't always rainbows, butterflies, Haribo gummi bears, whippits, Charles Barkeley and egg rolls - (it can be the opposite: grey skies, caterpillers, Haribo Gummi worms, *not sure what the negative counterpart to whippits is*, Dennis Rodman and brussel sprouts)  but oftentimes, we don’t want to admit that that to all 1,238 of our closest friends.  Facebook allows us to put up a facade in spite of whatever trials we are facing in our lives and therefore I’d like to thank you, Mark Suckerburg.  You're simply the breast, facebook - you mask, you.  

As much as I've enjoyed presenting myself under a thick veil of false pretenses to my 3,000 fb friends the majority of whom I've never even met, I've found that as I've gotten older that I'd rather be relatable than to be mispercieved - because although life can be great, it can also be harder than PeeWee Herman in an adult movie theatre. In the interest of not pissing too many people off, I've spent the last week or two combing through my own facebook history and giving you examples of times when I, myself have fumbled on my facebook posts.  That's right, I am going to analyze my facebook posts from years past in which I come off as a huge asshole.  And then I'm going to apologize.  (Is it too laaaayte to apologiiize?) Oh, and you should note that I also created a fake facebook profile for my alter-ego Toe Pick's newest character Gwendalyn Chafebury.  I've included some of her status updates beneath a few of these infractions just so I could get creative and really drive my points home.  

1. The Posting Of an Inside Joke to a Friends Wall so Other People See it and Get Jealous, Sad and/or Curious Because they Were Not a part of it Status:
Ok - I used to do this a lot: I'd post some random inside joke to a friends wall that no one could possibly understand besides said friend.  I guess it was a way of showing people that my friend and I had experienced something really hilarious that they no one was a part of?  Otherwise, I would've simply texted or private messaged the joke to her and oh my god I can’t believe I actually used to do this on a daily basis and am admitting it.  I am sorry. 

2. The Making of a Plan by Way of the FB Wall and Other posts that Belong in a Text Message.

Orchestrating an entire weekend or vacation plan with a friend via back and forth facebook wall posts is the equivalent of having a conversation with someone by shouting really loudly across a quiet library.  Enter: the text message.  It's quite useful in the event that you want to set up a time to meet your friend for brunch on a Saturday without your lab partner from your 6th grade biology class knowing about it.  

Elizabreath and all my facebook friendz know!  Just tryin' to keep everyone in the loop - hell yeah, the public deservez to know my NYE plans!  Gotta give 'em what they want.  #blarf


3.The "I am going somewhere that involves getting on an airplane and flying from point A to point B and I must announce what said points are so you know I am traveling and important" Status.  
(Extra points if I specify that I will be on the red eye - because catching the red eye just SOUNDS cooler.)  
My mom bought me I bought a plane ticket!  I'm skipping town!  I'm boarding a plane that will fly somewhere!  I'll be in the air amongst white fluffy clouds!  All of my 2,317 friends must know about this monumental event that will surely go down in history (like George Washington!)

CATCHING THE RED EYE WITH MY BROTHER AND NEPHEW.  so, so cool.  I actually love this picture but had a tough time this night - remember this story?                          
Chillen' at T2 - 'bout to head to NYC.  #Coo.  Gotta make sure people I don't know are in on this!             
4. The Something's Wrong And I'm Going to Try and Make You Guess What it Is Status.
Something happened.  And it was bad.  Like, real real bad.  But, I am elusive - so I'm just going to announce that a bad thing has happened to me, but I won't elaborate.  You can prod at me in the comments section and do your breast to find out what's wrong - or you can just console me.  That would be nice, too. 

5. The Humblebrag
 A humblebrag is when someone subtly lets you know how amazing his/her life is while simultaneously dousing said self promotion in a "woe is me"-eqsue sauce.  I've done it before.  And I promise I won't do it again. 
6. The Bathroom Selfie
Ok, I've never been guilty of posting a bathroom selfie (uh, until now) but I had to point it out as it is the worst.  THE WORST.  It's like the Bastard stepchild of the Selfie.  I'm not going to rag on any other selfie - in fact, they don't really chafe me that much.  Take a pic of your cute mug with the ocean in the background - that's cool.  But if you feel the need to snap a pic of your puckery pout in the bathroom mirror, then trust me, urine the wrong place.  The Shitter Selfie is insufferable.  It would be preferable if you could not post a photo of yourself taking a picture of yourself in the same place where you relieve yourself. Thanks - love ya, bye.  (Oh.  And please note the ads below.)

7.  The No One Gives a Fuck status
I used to update my facebook status with straight drivel.  I'm guessing the amount of fucks given by people who read said status updates were slim to none.  Cawl me.

8. The Weather-Brag Status
The kind of "nana na boo boo I'm having better weather than you!" status is obnoxious on many levels.  You wouldn't call your friend up and seriously, actually say "Hey - it's cold and snowing where you are?  That sucks, man.  It's 70 and sunny here.  You should be sooo JEALOUS OF ME."  Ok, maybe you would.  I don't know - I don’t know your personality.  


9. The I have A Job I think Is Important And I want You to Know About It Status
The funny thing about the below pic is that I was working as a temp receptionist at Comcast Sportsnet and I got one of the maintanence men to show me where they film shit.  Then, I had him take a picture of me behind the desk.  False Advertising to the max, my friends.  To the fucking max.  

10. The Tired Christmas Vacation Quote
We've all seen National Lampoons Christmas Vacation about 3,213 times.  There are about 8 quotes in the movie that have made the rounds by way of facebook status over and over and over again.  (Shitter's full? Really?  Surely you can come up with a more obscure quote from NLCV than that. Don't call me Shirley.)  I am guilty of showcasing one of these overexposed quotes once or thrice.  I apologiiize.

11. The "If I Don't Post This Onto Facebook It Didn't Happen" Status
There was a time when everytime something exciting happened I would feel the need to share it on facebook.  Because, if I didn't, then did it really happen?  It's kind of like that whole if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it then did it make a noise conundrum.  If I ordered a delicious meal of ahi tuna but didn't take a picture of it and post it onto instagram or facebook then did I really even order it and eat it?  Similarly, if I placed a candidate in an Executive Assistant position but didn't broadcast this newsworthy event on my facebook wall then did my candidate even get the job? Facebook afforded me the validation I apparently sorely needed from my cyber buddies. Others must see what I've accomplished or eaten in order for it all to be real!  Cawl me. 

12.  The I'm Working Out at Nice Gym, YAY ME Status
We get it, you're "gettin' your sweat on at da Equinox" or whatever.  You can afford an expensive gym.  Congrats!  As much as all 1,562 of us want to envision you perspiring in a jock strap with sweat glistening down your temples, arm pits and nether regions whilst you grunt and moan your way up a StairMaster I think it's breast if you keep this part of your day to yourself.  Thanks in advance!  


13.  The Check-in
Uhhh, I struggled with whether or not to feature this one because I used to do it on the reg I have friends that check-in places and oh what the hell I will just say it: checking in anywhere is annoying.  People who aren't in your circle of friends don't really care that you're with Misty and the Gurls at the End Up on a Tuesday night.   And if they do really care, then that's kind of creepy, right?

OK, that'll do it.  Lest you think I havent learned a lesson from my douchey, inauthentic posts, I will leave you with this real-time status describing my night:
Finally, in case it wasn't obvious: like most things I post, this is a satire.  So take it with a grain of shart salt.  At the end of the day, do whatever makes you happy and fuck whatever anyone thinks.  Even if that means updating your status so that it reflects all of the aforementioned facebook infractions: