Tuesday, July 22, 2014

My In-Depth Answers to the Vanity Fair Proust Questionnaire; featuring TMI


Tuesday is my seventh favorite day of the week.  This morning I found myself in desperate need of an egg roll, a hair brush, and a clue something to do so I decided to answer the questions posed in Vanity Fair's monthly interview section featured on the last page of each issue.  If you ever feel like you're going to face plant onto your keyboard need an introspective activity to partake in I suggest you answer these questions yourself (if for no other reason than to help me feel less self-indulgent.)  So, without further ado, lets get sharted, okay?  OK.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Living life a la Ariel from the Little Mermaid and all that that implies (ie. existing under the sea, using a fork as a hairbrush, having sushi within reach at all times, cavorting with Sebastian, rebelling against King Titan and fucking with Ursula’s tentacles just for shits and giggles "I've got one of your tails - nana na boo boo!"…),   She just seems like she has so much fun, that Ariel. 
In all seriousness, what would make me sublimely happy is to have all my friends and family living within a 3 block radius of me, preferably in conjoined tree houses surrounded by a moat.  As we’ve discussed before, I am petrified of flying so living across the country from said family and friends has proven to be quite a challenge for me.

What is your greatest fear?
Being stuck on an elevator with a socially inept person who is not proficient in Small-Talk.  Also: flying, loneliness, night terrors, snakes (cue the Freudian analyses), and administrative work (why?  Because THIS) in that order.
Which historical figure do you most identify with? 
I am not sufficiently educated to say.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Not sure if these constitute traits but fuckit: It bugs me when someone repeatedly pokes my arm when trying to get my attention.  Overuse of LOL is another big one as is the use of the word “Lady!” amongst girls aged 22-35.  (Seriously, stop it Lady!)  I also really hate when people (who aren't your siblings) are telling a story involving their parents and begin it by saying something like "Mom made the best pancakes this morning." Or "Dad took me out on the boat."  Your dad or my dad?  Not sure why that irks me so much but it doez. 

Which living person do you most admire?
What are your greatest indulgences?
Haribo Gummi Bears, hugging, egg rolls from the House of Nan King, Old Fashionedz, retelling jokes and asking inane questions to the point of a decreased friend count.

What is your favorite journey?
My walk up Powell Street to Walgreens during my lunch break to fetch a fresh bag of Haribo Gummi Bears.  Also, my journey home in an uber after a long night at Balboa.  God bless those poor souls drivers who must listen to my Ace Ventura and Friday impressions in an enclosed space for 6 minutes.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Is virginity a virtue?
On what occasion do you lie?
When I tell my mom I need money for shelter, fresh milk and beans when in actuality I need it for Haribos, wine and egg rolls.  Also, to avoid hurting someone's feelings.  You look really pretty and smell good today - and yes, I definitely think he likes you.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My toes look like legit fingers.  
my Foes 
Which living person do you most despise?
I hate anyone who abuses animals with a burning passion.  I also dislike the creator of Black Forrest Bears AKA my Haribo Bears' chief competitor.  Other than that, I tend to like anyone who buys me Haribo gummi bears and blow dries my hair.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
 At work they would be: "Just a gentle reminder," "Following up," "Oh my weekend?  It was good-totally mellow.  Didn't do much, just chilled," "Checking in," "Moving forward," "Did you have a chance to process the invoice I sent?" "Happy Friday," "Hope you had a nice weekend dicknose," "My apologies," and "Oh I'm sorry sir, I thought you were someone else."

In life they would be: "Fuck", "Do you know what I mean?" "Cawl me," "Kinky but I like it," "For sure," "Totallaaay," "Definitely," "Can I borrow your bronzer," "I'm sorry, I thought that was my leg," and "Bend over and I'll show you." 
What is your greatest regret?
Bend over and I'll show you.  Kidding.... it would be sending a text to my ex 10 minutes ago.  
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My family.  And dogs.  I also really love garlic salt.  Wanna make out?

Which talent would you most like to have?
I would like to be able to draw.  Also, freestyle rap.
What is your current state of mind?
Regretful.  Wish I hadn't sent that fucking text, damnit.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My inability to stay in the present moment.  Ugh - I wonder if my ex will text me back...
If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
It would be ungracious of me to say.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Bend over and I'll show you.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
I would want to come back as an octopus - because I've never been a good multi-tasker and those fuckers seem like they could do like 8 things at once.  I feel like I've talked a lot about tentacles in this post.  (cue more Freudian conspiracies)

What is your most treasured possession?
The Rolex I've tried to pawn a couple times my dad gave me 12 years ago for my high school graduation.
the only thing I've owned longer than 2 years
Also, my dear friend gave me a pair of Red's Outfitters sunglasses as a bridesmaids present almost a year ago and I haven't taken them off since.  (BUY a pair here).  

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Feeling the need to label-drop in order to get a point across.  Also, promoting products on my blog makes me feel kind of miz.   
Where would you like to live?
On a farm in Uruguay.
What is your favorite occupation?
What is your most marked characteristic?
I would say my ability to turn an otherwise normal situation into an intolerably awkward one.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
Sense of humor and good arms.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Sense of humor and I like a woman who has good asshole radar because mine is more off than Kim Kardashian's prom dress.
What do you most value in your friends? 
I like that they generally do not like the same people as me. 
Who are your favorite writers?
My dad and whoever writes for the Simpson's.
Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Lady MacBeth.  What a pistol.
Who are your heroes in real life?
The manufacturers of Haribo Gummi Bears and Jane Goodall. 
What are your favorite names?
Kate, Isabel, Tomothan, Gwendalyn, Oliver, Nigel, Reginald, Sebastian, Edna, Fortesque, Chester, Herbert 
What is it that you most dislike?
Cold calling, labeling, namedropping, humblebragging and the fact that Mitch Hedberg is no longer with us.
How would you like to die?
Jesus, seriously?  That's a little too intense for a Tuesday morning, you freak.  Gah.

What is your motto?
Bend over and I'll show you.  


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

It's Goin' Down, I'm Yellin' Tinder; featuring Toe Pick VS Tinder PART 6

Good morning LamBz! I am tired.  A couple mosquitoes (who shall remain nameless) decided to bunk up with me last night and I wish I'd gotten footage of myself waking up in my pitch black room to incessant buzzing, aimlessly flailing and slapping every part of my face and upper body in an effort to stop the madness.  Alas, my futile attempts at nabbing the buzzing culprits were to no avail and now I look like I have adult acne.  I guess it's my karma for posting my sixth installment of Toe Pick VS Tinder.  I get it.  

Very few Tons of concerned people ask me if I've ever actually used Tinder seriously as a dating app and not just as a means of garnering Toe Pick fodder.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - I look at Tinder the same way I look at mushrooms: it should be used for recreational purposes only.  I would never willingly down a Portobello mushroom as a form of satisfying nourishment.  Why?  Because it's a slimy fungus.  Ew.  If I am going to eat fungus I should at least get some kind of enjoyment out of it.  I've gleaned a similar parallel from tinder based upon some of the interactions I've had with the boyz.  Simply put:  I don't think of Tinder as a serious thing because most of the pervs guys I've encountered are just looking to get laid, like this catch:
If I'm going to use tinder and engage with these hornballz men, I'm going to have fun with it.  That's not to say I don't believe people can meet their Significantz on Tinder - my roommate met her boyfriend on it and things are going great for them.  I know it can work, but probably only about as well and as often as Octomom's diaphragm or my Frizz-ease.  Before we get sharted I want to point out that these tinder pranks were all executed in good fun. Grain of salt: take it with one.  Ok?  Ok.  Let's get it sharted in here: (if you're new to my tinder pranks then I am hurt, just read this to get caught up)  

Debbie Downer 
I decided to make my Debbie Downer persona the focal point of these pranks, because she's the breast and everyone loves a good sob story.  The glass is always half empty for Ms. Deborah Downer.  Nothing ever goes right for Deb - misfortune and agony seem to tarnish every facet of her life.  Debbie also doesn't seem to uphold and honor the virtue of discretion (Fucking Christ, I feel like I'm describing myself), nor does she live by the sentiment: "Fake it 'til you make it."  It's Debbie Downer against the world.  Poor, poor gurl. 

**You might not give one shit be wondering why some of these gentleman ask me about Justin Beiber.  Well I'll tell you:  One of my tinder profile pictures is of me and a prepubescent Beibs.  And as if I haven't broadcasted my encounter with him enough on the internet over the last few years - here's the pic from the breast night of my adult life you can use as a reference.

Hi Thomas.  Bye Thomas. 

 Alex meets Alexandra



 The Woman-Child.  In case you are too cool for Tinda didn't know, Tinder elects to showcase peoples' age on their profiles.  I am old as balls and in denial thirty-one.  There, I said it.  So 31 is proudly displayed atop my profile picture.  Perhaps that's why Marlon thinks it's pretty fucking weird that a grown-ass woman has to sneak into her parents house after a night of gallivanting in the club or whatever.  Welp, Marlon - meet the Woman-Child.  She can barely speak English and likes the Club, much to her parents dismay. (Perhaps I should have included sub-titles.)  Please cut me some slack on my pics - I only had my make-up and nail polish to work with.

Davy is nice and supports the Woman-child's obsession with bugz.

The Gurl who only communicates via 'N Sync lyrics.


The 1-UPPER.
I modeled this Tinder Gurl after my favorite character on SNL, Penelope.  She will take anything anyone says and one-up the shit out of them. Have a look at this Tinder Gurl working her impossibly irritating magic.

 Alright, I have to get back to gchatting work.  As always, thank you to all these boyz for involuntarily participating in this project.  You are the breast!  And thanks to my readers.  Love you bye.