Tuesday, September 16, 2014

You think You Know, But you Have NO IDEA

Hey there.  First off, I'd like to apologize for the piss-poor title of this post (borrowed from an old MTV show), I simply couldn't think of anything else. I also couldn't think of anything specific to write about but I have managed to put together a smorgasbord of random shit that's been going on in my life and in my head.   Enjoy!

1. It was last Monday morning in San Francisco.  The homeless people were shitting on the sidewalks birds were chirping and the marijuana smoke fog softly blanketed the bay.  I slumped sat at my desk perusing Onion articles responding to client emails when I noticed an article (a legit, non-satire one) at the bottom of my screen.  I immediately jolted upright in high alert when I noticed said article and OH MY GOD just have a look yourself and you'll see what I mean.  Utterly frightening.
Fuck Folgers, the worst breast part of waking up is seeing a cross between Annie Lenox and a vampire's O Face.  Amiright people?  This photo makes me feel better about being a single, involuntary celibate person.
2.  There are a lot of things that suck about working in an office, right?  The heinous carpeting, the maintenance guy with the chin strap who's always conveniently in the ladies bathroom "fixing the faucet", walking into the bathroom right as your boss is walking out (um s'cuse me BossLady, you're not supposed to be human - you're a robot who tells me what to do and gives me my paycheck, I do not need to know that you have IBS use the toilet), Monday morning small talk ("HI!  Happy Monday.  My weekend?  It was totally mellow!) (In reality you've got twigs in your hair from a night of hooking up with a random from Balboa in the bushes outside of your apartment at 2am and your pores are emitting mass quantities of Whispering Angel, but that's neither here nor there)) but for whatever reason, the thing that pisses me off the most is when my fucking phone cord gets snagged up in my chair wheel.  Dislodging it from said chair wheel is harder than R. Kelly at a urinal.

3. People rarely ever always ask me how I find the time in my single girl, lifetime movie watching busy/important schedule to work on Toe Pick.  Welp, I will tell you.  Editing resumes is a large part of my job as a recruiter.  So is bullshitting people.  So, I decided to combine these two aforementioned components of my job by incorporating my writing within a resume template - thereby duping any nosy passersby who want to nonchalantly ensure that I am working.  2 birds: DEAD.  Method of killing: ONE STONE.  Succkkaaas! (Can you spot my toe pick work hidden amongst the menial administrative tasks on the resume below?)
Referred by Toe Pick SF
Toe Pick SF Services, Inc.
415-696-9696/ alexandra@toepicksf.com

TOE PICK SF, San Francisco , CA                                      Mnth/Yr- Mnth/Yr                                                      
Position (laid off)                                                                  
·         Provided executive support to three Managing Directors, three mid-level bankers and two junior bankers
·         Ideas: top 13 Biggest Facebook chafes; provide examples by pulling from own facebook wall
·         Coordinated extensive and intricate professional and personal travel arrangements for the MDs and their teams
·         Discuss humblebragging as it appears on instagram: "these moon shoes hurt"
·         Screened and answered calls, emails, and correspondence with professionalism and in a timely manner
·         The Bathroom selfie: If you think people want to see a pic of your mug in the same place you relieve yourself then urine the wrong place.
·         Interfaced with clients, high-level executives, project teams, vendors, and end users on a frequent basis
·         CHAFES: Mating cats in backyard, mosquitoes setting up shop on all parts of your body whilst in mid-slumber
·         Created PowerPoint presentations and Excel reports
·         Single in San Francisco: How many Lifetime movies did you watch on Friday night?
·         Provided Accounts Payable support by ensuring the timely payment of invoices, credit cards
·         TINDER pranks - feature Donny, Joe and Juan's responses to pranks
·         CELEB MUNI LOOKALIKES; Tonya Harding, Michael Jackson, Ross Perot
·         Office Management related duties included: oversaw facilities, vendor relations, office move
·         Accessible 24/7 via iPhone

3.  Cold calling.  I have to do it every single day.  I've gotten pretty used to it over the past couple of years.  However, if one said that one did not suffer from a small sting of rejection when a prospective client rejects one's advances, then one would be lying.  Getting rejected 46 times a day takes its toll, man.  But, the other day, I made one guy laugh during my pitch when I said to him "Hi, my name is Alexandra and I've recently been eating a number of wonderful Executive Assistants if you're interested.."  I meant to say meeting. Meeting, damnit.

4.  Shoes:  I have a hard time holding onto them.  I always lose one or both within 3 months of purchasing them.  I am convinced that they are all on an island somewhere with my misplaced debit cards, retainer and keys enjoying my predicaments.  How are shoes relevant to this post?  Because I left my go-to work shoes at a guys friends house last weekend and henceforth have to rock my back-up work shoes, which are pointier than Dolly Parton's nipples in Antarctica.  Seriously people, I feel like some kind of corporate witch.

**The sender's name and "penis in the shoe" picture have been blurred out for obvious reasons.  And just FYI - that is not my shoe and that is not his body part.  The picture was found on the Google.  Don't believe me? Google image that shit you non-trusting worm - don't say I didn't warn you.
witch shews
Also, I saw a giant Ugg in the back of a pick up truck last week.  Sorry if this bullet point is boring you, but it's my blog and I can discuss whatever I shoes to!  Ugh, that was weak.  Cawl me.

5. I am becoming way too preoccupied with attaining "likes" on instagram.  So much so, in fact, that I interrupted my coworker's sob story involving a brutal breakup with her boyfriend to vent about my noncumulative "like" situation.   Naturally, she was displeased.  Names have changed because I may be a lot of things but I'm not a dick.  Here's how that conversation went down:

Rhonda McDonald
i don't know I'm a mess
but we talked about where i was at.
and he got all tough and cold
and then he said, "i like you, Rhonda. A lot." and started telling me why
and how hard it was to be broken up and not see me
and got super choked up
and then started crying
i wanted to be like, dude, you don't like me you love me
i don't think i realized how messed up he still is over this

Alexandra Toe Pick
OMG speaking of crying...
i have only gotten 1 like on my instagram picture
and its been up for 10 minutes
i could cry, seriously.  Should i just take it down?
Rhonda McDonald
ok, you really need to get some perspective Alexandra

6.  My twin lives in San Francisco, frequents The Plant Cafe, and I am convinced that the next time we lock eyes, one of us will indeed explode.


Ok, that's all I got. Good bye!


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Watch your Shep; Featuring my interview with the Star of Bravo's Southern Charm

Shep Rose: He's hot.  He's single. He's chock-full of stellar one-liners.  He also stars in one of the breast shows on TV, Bravo's Southern Charm - a show that documents the lives of a group of uber attractive people gallivanting around Charleston, South Carolina (which might be my favorite US city, aside from San Francisco). It's one of my favorite shows and every Monday before it comes on I become more excited than R. Kelly at a urinal.  For reals, one time my roommate and I once faked shep throat just so we could stay home from work and watch a Southern Charm marathon.  But that's neither here nor there. According to Shep's instagram bio he'll make you laugh, he'll make you cry and he'll make you climax.  Now that's romance, people. But let's take a shep back shall we?  (sidenote: you better believe I laid awake cold and alone in bed until 4 am for a few minutes last night listening to Michael Bolton Pandora wracking my brain for some exsheptional puns for this post and OH MY F'ING GOD I'm just going to stop it right now before I lose you.)  
I've been meaning to make out with feature this esteemed stallion humbled gentleman on Toe Pick for a while for the sole, self-serving purpose of increasing my readership with the hopes of enticing you all to watch a few shepisodes of Southern Charm if you haven't already. This guy is very entertaining and I really applaud his offbeat sense of humor.  He provides refreshing comic relief on the show, something that is sorely needed in the world of reality TV which is notoriously laden with drama.  I'm looking at you Puck (did you really just put your fucking finger in Pedro's peanut butter!?) 
Brandy, NeNe and the chick who ripped her prosthetic leg off and tried to beat a fellow housewife in it.  Long story shart; he's a breath of fresh air amongst all the proverbial reality tv bullshit. He also kind of makes me wish I could make out with him I was a perpetually single guy living in Charleston (uh, as opposed to a persheptually single girl living in San Francisco.)   That's right, ladies - he's not really looking for a relationshep, unfortunately.  Without further ado, let's get started.

Dreamboat Shep graciously agreed to let me interview him and wasn't scared off by my asinine questions, so it's kind of like everyone wins.  Oh, and in the event that you're missing a brain chip, I'm in the pink (that's what he said) and Shep's in the black (that's also what he said.)  Check it out:

1. If you were a type of food what kind of food would you be and why? 
I know avocados are trending right now. But I'd have to say a raspberry. Or a bushel of raspberries. Delicious. Full of anti-oxidants. Who isn't against oxidants? 

2. How many Instagram followers did you have before the show aired?  How many do you have now? 
I had 275 before the show. Now I have 23 k. (Most of any cast member by thousands, what up) I've was doing solid Instagram work pre show. But now more people get to see my weirdness. It's strange though. I only get a ton of Likes for mundane show related stuff. I feel like a lot of my followers don't really appreciate my esoteric references. But now I sound pretentious. Damnit. Can't win. 

3. If there was a movie made about you what actor would you like to see play you? 
Cary Elwes. Or Dolph Lungren.
Definitely not Jake Busey.

3. Do you prefer Sunny D or the purple stuff?
Purple stuff? I guess. I like water. But fanta grape is pretty tasty.

4. Describe yourself in 3 words
Laid-back, sardonic, pragmatic. 

5.  If you could kill one celebrity and get away with it, who would it be?
Nicolas cage. Hands down. 

I could eat a peach for houuuurs.  (name that movie)
6. Food in your hair or hair in your food? 
Food in my hair. I once blacked out and woke up with ketchup in my eyebrows. Evidence showed there was a jack in the box incident.  

 7. I have heard that you once wanted to be a stand-up comedian.  Is that true?  Do you have aspirations on stage or screen?  
I thought about it. Still do. Have lots of stuff written down. But 2 reasons why not. 1. I'm a pussy 2. I don't want to make a bunch of strangers laugh at a comedy club in Knoxville tn. Or wherever. 

8. What's your most effective pick-up line?
You might as well sleep with me. Because I'm telling everyone we did anyway. 

9. How would you react if you transformed into a fish?  
Depends on whether I was predatory or not. Swim for the shallows either way maybe. 

10. Who has been the biggest surprise in terms of being a fan?
Well Montel Williams follows me in twitter. So. That's pretty heady stuff. But I'm always surprised. And everyone is really nice and cool. 

11. Would you date a girl who was missing an X chromosome?  
I wouldn't  date a girl who was missing her car keys. So no. 
So I guess we'll never be an item.  Sigh.

12. Where would you live other than Charleston?
San Fran. For sure. And a ton if places abroad. Cape Town. Sydney. 
Ess Eff

13. What is your idea of a perfect date?
A ball game. Something casual. Sitting at a table for 2 is not appealing to me. 

14.  Ali G, Borat or Bruno?
Bruno. I laughed the hardest by far in that movie. 
I respectfully disagree... Borat was MVP, IMO.

15. If you could have one superpower what would it be?
Ex-ray vision. It could potentially save a lot of time and effort. 

16. What is the best thing about your new-found fame?  Worst thing?
Best- free stuff. Clothes,etc. plus people seem to like my ideas better now as far as what bars to go to. Even though I always thought they were pretty good ideas

Worst- nothing too bad. Maybe have to talk to strangers in public places for a little too long so as not to be impolite. But I can handle all that stuff. 

17. Boxers or briefs? 

18. How many licks does it take you to get the center of a tootsie pop?
Too many. I like ring pops. They're way messier. 

19. What movie title best describes your sex life?
The hurt locker. Or the panic room. 

20. How would you like to die?
I want to get eaten by a shark when I'm in my 80s. Because it's a pretty badass way to go. And because the joke's on the shark when it realizes how old I am and bad I taste. 

And that's all shep wrote, folks.  Now go order Southern Charm Season 1 on Netflix and get ready for season 2, which premiers Monday, March 16th on Bravo.  

Lastly I'd like to pay my respects to Joan Rivers.  She was a woman who offered her audience unparalleled comedic relief, and who consistently pushed the envelope in spite of her tightly wound adversaries.  (I'm also pretty sure she would have annihilated me for the painful intro to this post). She showed us all how important it is to have a sense of humor about life, no matter what. Respect.