Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Watch your Shep; Featuring my interview with the Star of Bravo's Southern Charm

Shep Rose: He's hot.  He's single. He's chock-full of stellar one-liners.  He also stars in one of the breast shows on TV, Bravo's Southern Charm - a show that documents the lives of a group of uber attractive people gallivanting around Charleston, South Carolina (which might be my favorite US city, aside from San Francisco). It's one of my favorite shows and every Monday before it comes on I become more excited than R. Kelly at a urinal.  For reals, one time my roommate and I once faked shep throat just so we could stay home from work and watch a Southern Charm marathon.  But that's neither here nor there. According to Shep's instagram bio he'll make you laugh, he'll make you cry and he'll make you climax.  Now that's romance, people. But let's take a shep back shall we?  (sidenote: you better believe I laid awake cold and alone in bed until 4 am for a few minutes last night listening to Michael Bolton Pandora wracking my brain for some exsheptional puns for this post and OH MY F'ING GOD I'm just going to stop it right now before I lose you.)  
I've been meaning to make out with feature this esteemed stallion humbled gentleman on Toe Pick for a while for the sole, self-serving purpose of increasing my readership with the hopes of enticing you all to watch a few shepisodes of Southern Charm if you haven't already. This guy is very entertaining and I really applaud his offbeat sense of humor.  He provides refreshing comic relief on the show, something that is sorely needed in the world of reality TV which is notoriously laden with drama.  I'm looking at you Puck (did you really just put your fucking finger in Pedro's peanut butter!?) 
Brandy, NeNe and the chick who ripped her prosthetic leg off and tried to beat a fellow housewife in it.  Long story shart; he's a breath of fresh air amongst all the proverbial reality tv bullshit. He also kind of makes me wish I could make out with him I was a perpetually single guy living in Charleston (uh, as opposed to a persheptually single girl living in San Francisco.)   That's right, ladies - he's not really looking for a relationshep, unfortunately.  Without further ado, let's get started.

Dreamboat Shep graciously agreed to let me interview him and wasn't scared off by my asinine questions, so it's kind of like everyone wins.  Oh, and in the event that you're missing a brain chip, I'm in the pink (that's what he said) and Shep's in the black (that's also what he said.)  Check it out:

1. If you were a type of food what kind of food would you be and why? 
I know avocados are trending right now. But I'd have to say a raspberry. Or a bushel of raspberries. Delicious. Full of anti-oxidants. Who isn't against oxidants? 

2. How many Instagram followers did you have before the show aired?  How many do you have now? 
I had 275 before the show. Now I have 23 k. (Most of any cast member by thousands, what up) I've was doing solid Instagram work pre show. But now more people get to see my weirdness. It's strange though. I only get a ton of Likes for mundane show related stuff. I feel like a lot of my followers don't really appreciate my esoteric references. But now I sound pretentious. Damnit. Can't win. 

3. If there was a movie made about you what actor would you like to see play you? 
Cary Elwes. Or Dolph Lungren.
Definitely not Jake Busey.

3. Do you prefer Sunny D or the purple stuff?
Purple stuff? I guess. I like water. But fanta grape is pretty tasty.

4. Describe yourself in 3 words
Laid-back, sardonic, pragmatic. 

5.  If you could kill one celebrity and get away with it, who would it be?
Nicolas cage. Hands down. 

I could eat a peach for houuuurs.  (name that movie)
6. Food in your hair or hair in your food? 
Food in my hair. I once blacked out and woke up with ketchup in my eyebrows. Evidence showed there was a jack in the box incident.  

 7. I have heard that you once wanted to be a stand-up comedian.  Is that true?  Do you have aspirations on stage or screen?  
I thought about it. Still do. Have lots of stuff written down. But 2 reasons why not. 1. I'm a pussy 2. I don't want to make a bunch of strangers laugh at a comedy club in Knoxville tn. Or wherever. 

8. What's your most effective pick-up line?
You might as well sleep with me. Because I'm telling everyone we did anyway. 

9. How would you react if you transformed into a fish?  
Depends on whether I was predatory or not. Swim for the shallows either way maybe. 

10. Who has been the biggest surprise in terms of being a fan?
Well Montel Williams follows me in twitter. So. That's pretty heady stuff. But I'm always surprised. And everyone is really nice and cool. 

11. Would you date a girl who was missing an X chromosome?  
I wouldn't  date a girl who was missing her car keys. So no. 
So I guess we'll never be an item.  Sigh.

12. Where would you live other than Charleston?
San Fran. For sure. And a ton if places abroad. Cape Town. Sydney. 
Ess Eff

13. What is your idea of a perfect date?
A ball game. Something casual. Sitting at a table for 2 is not appealing to me. 

14.  Ali G, Borat or Bruno?
Bruno. I laughed the hardest by far in that movie. 
I respectfully disagree... Borat was MVP, IMO.

15. If you could have one superpower what would it be?
Ex-ray vision. It could potentially save a lot of time and effort. 

16. What is the best thing about your new-found fame?  Worst thing?
Best- free stuff. Clothes,etc. plus people seem to like my ideas better now as far as what bars to go to. Even though I always thought they were pretty good ideas

Worst- nothing too bad. Maybe have to talk to strangers in public places for a little too long so as not to be impolite. But I can handle all that stuff. 

17. Boxers or briefs? 

18. How many licks does it take you to get the center of a tootsie pop?
Too many. I like ring pops. They're way messier. 

19. What movie title best describes your sex life?
The hurt locker. Or the panic room. 

20. How would you like to die?
I want to get eaten by a shark when I'm in my 80s. Because it's a pretty badass way to go. And because the joke's on the shark when it realizes how old I am and bad I taste. 

And that's all shep wrote, folks.  Now go order Southern Charm Season 1 on Netflix and get ready for season 2, which premiers Monday, March 16th on Bravo.  

Lastly I'd like to pay my respects to Joan Rivers.  She was a woman who offered her audience unparalleled comedic relief, and who consistently pushed the envelope in spite of her tightly wound adversaries.  (I'm also pretty sure she would have annihilated me for the painful intro to this post). She showed us all how important it is to have a sense of humor about life, no matter what. Respect.

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