Friday, December 19, 2014

True Life: I'm in Love

The thing I find most challenging about writing Toe Pick is coming up with catchy titles for posts.  Titles are extremely important and I suck at creating them.  I was checking my stats yesterday and noticed that my post from a couple days ago about how I lost my babysitting job got NINE times as many pageviews as the one you're reading now.  I realized that if I ever want to monetize TPSF I had better step up my game in the Title department.  People like to read about drama and people being in love (this was my most viewed post) so I changed the title to this post - and it's not deceiving.  I am in love with Buttery Chard and those little brown things in Chex Mix as the subsequent text so indicates.  Enjoy and cawl me.

My birthday is less than a week away.  I realize the older I get the more I want a boyfriend, a clue and a tempurpedic bed discover what it is that I truly love and loathe in life.  To commemorate another year of my relentless march toward death, I've made 2 separate lists illustrating said discoveries so without further ado, let's get it sharted in here.  And might I suggest making a list like this for yourself, if only to help me to feel less self-indulgent because it's narcissistic good to be introspective.  


1. Buttery Chardonnay 
I realize this makes me an anomaly and I'm very self-conscious about that because chardonnay causes the majority of humans to feel car sick but I'm okay with that because I think it's the breast.  Plus, red wine makes my heart race and makes me look like a vampire stains my chompers, so perhaps that's why I savor the effects of smooth, golden, calming BC so much. 

Nothing melts my butter quite like a buttery chard.  

2.  Haribo Gummi Bears (especially frozen ones) and my Gummi bear nightlight
I realize I needn't elaborate on this as I've professed my love for these delectably chewy creatures for the past 4 years on TPSF so I'll stop it right now.  

3. Those little brown things that come in Chex Mix (i realize how that sounds - get your mind out of the gutter, people)
 I am not sure of their official title, but I would marry one if I could, they're that fucking good.

OH.  Hi little weird round brown things that aren't turds.
4.  Avoiding Small Talk
I've gotten really good at this.  I can even do it on elevators.  The trick is to hone in on and stare at the buttons as if you're completely transfixed by them.  The other 'vator riders will think you're such a fucking weirdo that they'll be too scared to try and make small talk with you. 

SO that's what the # 32 looks like, I'll be darned! 
5. Writing. 
I've never liked any of my jobs and I didn't do well in school so I am thankful to have discovered my passion for writing a few years ago.  It's the breast therapy I've had.


1.  Moving.  
I've had to do it 8 times in the past 10 years.  Why?  Because one CL roommate I had owned a cat who she loved so much she'd bring him into the bathroom with her and the others found boyfriends who turned into fiances and OH MY GOD moving is such a CHAFE, why am I perpetually single.   

shirtz & jeans
2.  Debit cards.  
I don't know if the issue is that I don't love debit cards so much as it is that they don't love me.  I certainly can't seem to hold onto one for longer than  few months a year and OH MY GOD stop judging me and my flakiness.  

4.  Pube-lic transportation.
Forgive me for not being a fan of sharing a seat with a large man's right ass cheek.  I realize it's Christmastime but I'm not fucking Santa so please get off my lap, Norman.  (The man in the photo below looked like a Norman.)  Also, I'm not a fan of crowds, foot-long rat tails and women's exposed crotches.



5. A pigeon.
Especially this one who decided to join me for lunch.

 6.  Cooking.
The only thing I am good for when it comes to cooking is identifying which inhabitant of the ocean a piece of chicken I'm working with resembles (see below).  Cawl me.

not sure what this cooking utensil is but it looks major
 7.  The DMV
I've had to go to the DMV thrice this year and I liken it to the 7th circle of hell.  I think I'd rather grow a set of balls on my forehead than spend another minute there.

My friend directed me to THIS footage from a couple of days ago and OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW IN THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET ON A PLANE IN 2 DAYS.  


There are things that I both loathe and love about the following life things.

1. Sunday Funday
I have a love/hate relationship with Sunday Fundays.  On the one hand, I like pounding sipping Whispering Angel at an outside table at Perry's with my delinquent friends and having deep conversations that I don't remember with Randoms... it's all fun and games until the moment I crawl into an Uber at 7:30pm only to get home and face plant onto my bed to endure night terrors until I have to wake up and head into work at 8am Monday morning.

2. Work/Office Stuff.
I loathe my flat-faced stapler and when my phone charger gets snagged up in my chair wheel...

...but I kind of love the fact that ever since our office has run out of cups I've had to drink water from a bowl like a fucking cat.  "Why don't you just buy a cup from Walgreens or something?"  Passersby wanna know. "Because, mind your own fucking business, Felicia."  

3. Online Dating
I've never been able to take it seriously, even though a ton of people have told me to try it so I don't end up alone surrounded by cats and tubs of cool whip.  I know it's worked for lots of people but I just can't get on board.  

Hi encouraging friends!
I do love online dating in the sense that it allows me to pull pranks on people which is a passion of mine.


Ok.  Good-bye.

Monday, December 8, 2014

All I want for Birthmas is...

Almost 32 26 years ago I was delivered  home.  It was the best day of my parents' life a bitterly cold, snowy Christmas morning in Virginia.  That's right, I was delivered home on Christmas morning which might explain why I'm so Christ-like.  Having a birthday so close to Christmas presents a number of problems.  For one, it makes it glaringly obvious that I was an "accident" or as my mom says, a "surprise."  For reals, what mother would plan/elect to be 9 months pregnant around Christmastime - a distinctly busy part of the year where occasional heavy lifting is required (those stockings filled with coal and orange peels don't hang themselves) and the stress of decorating, entertaining and dealing with in-laws is looming?   Number 2, people think they can get away with giving me one present for both my birthday and Christmas.  "Happy Birthmas!  Here's a single fat bag of coal, asshole!"  People are generally so wrapped up in decking the halls and stroking their yule logs that they don't devote a whole lot of attention to my birthday.  This is why my BFF Kristin is throwing me a birthday party this weekend - 2 weeks BEFORE  the anniversary of the day the world changed for the breast my actual birthday.  My party should be a blast - I force Kristin to throw it have it every year at CC's, the breast dive bar in the city and it really helps me to feel more relevant.

Last year at my party I almost dislocated my neck as a result of some extremely aggressive headbanging a really thoughtful guest brought me vodka soaked gummy bears and the year before some Random gave me a 50 pound gummi bear that  I insisted on carrying around with me all night.  Consequently, my massive bear was not only Mike Tyson-ed by some drunk idiot one of my dear friends, but he also acquired a sweater as a result of rubbing elbows with the party-goers.  It was a week after my party and I didn't want to be wasteful and I was also hungry so this guy I was dating (who I met on MUNI) and I decided to cut the sweater off the bear and eat the insides and OH MY GOD I just read this last sentence a few times and feel really weird about myself right now. 

But enough about earless 50 pound gummi bears and failed muni relationships.  

 I do don't consider myself to be a greedy, materialistic person which is why my Birthmas wish-list contains some intangible items.  Without further ado - let's get it sharted in here.

For Birthmas I would like....

1.  ... a apple

2. ... less Oxytocin.  (I would feature an image of Oxytocin but I really don't know what it would look like.  If I had to guess I would think something like this ---> @---!!!~#~~@~*@??)

3. ... for the boulder pictured below to be made into a key chain.  I lost my keys almost every other week this year this morning.  I sincerely don't think that God intended for me to own keys.   So, if someone could gift me with a 2,500 boulder key chain to ensure that I would always be able to locate my keys I would be forever grateful.

4. ... for people on social media to stop using the terms "bae," "basic bitch," "I can't even," "I know, right?" and " though" or "doe" at the end of sentences.  Seriously, though.  

5. ... the app called "Forbid" that was invented by Marnie's boyfriend in the second season of Girls.  It's an app that forbids you from calling or texting your ex or crush after midnight.  If you do try and do this, you will be charged $20.  It's almost like this app was created specifically for me.   Seriously, doe.  :(

6. ... a new stapler - preferably one that doesn't gaze up at me with a flat face as if to say "Your day is going to suck balls - get ready to make 60 cold calls within 2 hours to people who have no desire to make small talk with you, you annoying little bitch." (and yes, this is what my desk looks like on any given day).

7 ... a blow-up boyfriend to help me fend off Sunday scaries.  It would be preferable for said blow-up boyfriend to not resemble Joey Buttafuoco though.  Thanks in advance!

8 ... more of an open mind.  I really think it's high time I stop with the tinder pranks.  Perhaps I should start taking it seriously so as not to end up cold and alone watching lifetime with a oodles o' cats.  Just kidding - I'll never stop with the tinder pranks - sorry Nader and Brian :(

9. internal monologue.  My friend recently informed me that I don't have one, so I'd figured I should ask for one.

But seriously, what I really want for Birthmas is a rescue pit bull and Rag + Bone booties.  In that order.  


Happy Holidays from Toe Pick!  Hope you guys enjoy your Yule logs.


PS.  I created an instagram account for Toe Pick.  You can follow me at toepicksf 0r "like" my facebook page here.  Thanks so much.