Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Toe Pick's Year In Review

Well, it's that weird time in between Christmas and New Years where I don't know my ass from my elbow what day it is, what I'm doing with my life and the impending new year seems to be approaching faster than Mike Tyson running to a speech pathologist.  I've also had to work this week and in between bouts of kissing my boss's ass, facebooking, TMZ-ing, and I've been reminiscing about 2015 and thought I'd share with you some of this year's Toe Pick highlights (links included).  I wrote more in 2015 than I ever have which I attribute to massive boredom at work and a burning desire to clear my oftentimes cluttered mind. Let's get sharted shall we?

1.  I unsuccessfully tried to sell my bed on Craigs List...

2. While the majority of my friends were gallivanting around Aspen I spent last New Years Eve in the ER on account of some mutant form of swine flu and was forced to wear a urine colored mask...

3. I duped some unsuspecting Tinder bros with my Debbie Downer character...

4.  I came up with an (IMO) ingenious idea for us single ladies called Rent A Sunday Night Boyfriend and featured the Rent a Sunday Night Boyfriend kit which comes complete with all you need on a cold, lonely Sunday evening. 

5. I featured ways to totally BOMB a first date.  

6. I showcased all the ways Instagram can be deceiving:

7. I almost burned by office down and was reprimanded by a disgruntled firewoman.

8. I wrote an informative letter to my 16-year-old self and detailed the atrocities of overplucked eyebrows.

9. I explained why being single is actually the shit and included my walk-of-shame photo for your viewing pleasure. 

  10. I spoke out about my anxiety and got the nicest responses and realized I should've opened up about it years ago. 

11. I pulled some tinder pranks while I was home on the east coast and it was a refreshing change from my normal west coast victims. 

Annnd, I was just informed I get to leave work early so I better close up shop.  Many MANY many thanks to my readers who have supported Toe Pick over the last almost FIVE years.  You're the reason I keep on writing.

Happy New Year!   


Monday, December 14, 2015

15 Lessons I've Learned in 2015

heading into 2016 with my favorite bearz

2015 is swiftly coming to a close, and I can unhesitatingly say I've learned more about myself in these last 12 months than I ever have. Some things have been good, some have been downright shitty bad - but all have gotten me closer to freezing my eggs figuring out who I am, who I am not and what I need to work on. There were times I felt content with my life, and times I'd wake up in the morning and wonder if everything was going to be okay.  It has been a year of learning; I've been taught a lot of lessons.  I hope you can relate to some of them.

1. Partying during the week is soo two-thousand-and-you're-not-24-anymore.
Imbibing anything beyond 4 drinks on a weeknight ensures you'll drunk text your ex be hungover for the entirety of the following workday.  The only thing that could maaaybe be worse than being hungover and confined to your barren cubicle is being confined to your cubicle with Anne Hathaway sitting next to you. Know your age, know your limit and know that you don't want to end up like Tara Reid.

2. Alcohol causes a lot more problems than it solves.
This has been made abundantly clear to me in 2015.  Really, it has.

3.  The skunk look is never in.
Don't go back to Joseph Cozza Salon unless you'd like to look like a multi-colored varmint who shoots rancid smelling spunk from it's ass. Again.


4. With time comes clarity.
As I've gotten older, I realize I really need to freeze those eggs I mentioned earlier who my real friends are. They're the ones who know me and accept me regardless of my faults.  They forgive me for my mistakes and laugh at jokes I've likely already told 47 times.  They're the ones who know I'm perpetually thirsty and will crush their new bottle of cold water if given the chance but offer me a sip anyway.  They're the ones who will always help me up. They're the ones I know will be in my life until the end of time.

Trying to properly fit a comforter into a duvet cover is harder than Algebra 2 and will always warrant massive temper tantrums.  Fact.

6.  Don't judge.  Always be nice.
People aren't always who they appear to be.  That guy on the bus who almost knocked you over as he walked by and didn't say excuse me?  Don't tell him to fuck off in your head.  Maybe his dad is dying of cancer. Maybe he is in dire need of cranberry juice on account of his painful UTI.  Maybe Sharon, the head of HR at his office has been chafing him for not completing his 401K forms.  Who the fuck knows.  Human beings are complicated creatures with complicated lives.  It is so important to be nice, to be compassionate, to be human.

7. Playing Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas" year round is not only accepted, it's encouraged.

8. When you know, you know.
I hate mushrooms (the non-recreational kind) so would never choke a few down in the hopes that they'll end up growing on me (pun mildly intended).  The same goes for relationships.  If it isn't there, it isn't there.  And if you think it's there then the other person has to as well in order for it toe work because that's how a reciprocal, functioning relationship works Alexandra and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST how has it taken you this long to figure this out.

9. It's unladylike to use the Lord's name in vain.

10. Silence is a virtue.
It's better to just be quiet than to attempt to squash an awkward silence by saying something like, "How do snakes mate?  They already are kind of a penis, right?  How does that work.  You have any idea? No?  Huh."  Yeah, don't say that anymore.  It only makes things worse.

11. Writing is the most important thing I have in this life.
I can say, with 100% certainty that writing has allowed me to be the most authentic version of myself.  It has released me from the oftentimes isolating prisons of sadness, heartache and boredom. It's offered me companionship when I've felt lonely and kept me afloat amid the rough seas of self-doubt and debilitating regrets. When I write, all my anxiety dissipates and I can see and think more clearly than I ever imagined could.  I will never stop writing.  It's my best friend.

12. I've gotten way cornier in 2015.

13.  People are inherently good.
I had a minor panic attack on a flight a couple months ago on account of my severe aviatopobia.  People around me didn't know what to do, really.  Some stared at me like I was circus animal.  Some pretended I wasn't there.  Then out of the blue a nice lady on the plane a few rows ahead stood up, walked up to me and asked if she could sit next to me.  I said yes, and she took my hand in hers.  "Do you believe in God?"  she asked.  I told her I did, and she started to pray with me.  I immediately felt calmer knowing I had someone next to me, with me.  She did a lot more for me that day than quell my seemingly insurmountable fear of flying; she also kind of restored my faith in humanity.  So thanks, nice lady on the plane.

14. It is very difficult to not talk in a pitchy, highly irritating voice in the presence of a dog.

15.  Watching your closest friends have babies will make you feel more than you ever thought you could possibly feel and make you realize you really should freeze those eggs what is important in life.

Lastly, and most importantly, I realize as 2015 ends that everything is indeed...going to be okay.



Wednesday, December 9, 2015

This is What I Think

As many of you know, Scott Weiland died last week, likely from an overdose.  For those of you who don't know who he is (like my mom), he was the frontman for Stone Temple Pilots and several other bands. While I wasn't a huge fan of his, I liked his voice and heard he was a talented performer.  I also heard that through the years his career had been marred by his addiction, like so many other gifted artists.
Rest In Peace
 When he died, a light was shed on this (IMO) very real disease.  His ex-wife wrote a  touching article in Rolling Stone about the impact his addiction had on his children, further evidencing the strength this disease (some of you may believe that word should be in quotes) can have on a person unlucky enough to be tormented by it.  This unfortunate event has become a catalyst  for a discussion between those of us who believe addiction is a legitimate disease and those of us who think it is a bullshit excuse the weak give for not being able pull their shit together - as if it's as easy as 1-2-3.

I've read countless comments posed by these (dare I say) daft people seeking to undermine the effects of addiction on not just Weiland, but in general.  A lot of these people seek to dispel the notion of addiction, believing it is a moral issue caused by a lack of self control or intelligence. Oftentimes it's the people who haven't seen the effects of addiction firsthand either on themselves or on a loved one; (whether it be a family member or friend) who write it all off as a "choice."

My beliefs on this matter fall at the very other end of the spectrum.  Having seen friends and family members sink into pits of despair as a result of addiction, I know that it cannot be written off as a "choice."  No one "chooses" to wreck their lives, alienate/wreak havoc on loved ones, and essentially crumble all in the name of substance abuse. Scientific research can back this.  It has shown that addiction is a biological brain disease.  So, there you go.  It's an indisputable fact that addiction is simply something someone "has" like diabetes.  It doesn't discriminate.  The little girl who rides her tricycle every Saturday morning in your neighborhood could have the propensity to grow up and be an addict just as easily as the homeless kid in the Tenderloin marinating in his own urine could.

The other day I was walking to lunch with my friend and I made a comment about how sad Scott Weiland's death was.

"I don't think it's sad," she said.

"I really don't feel sorry for anyone who overdoses.  That's just selfish.  He was messed up anyway."

I looked away and bit my tongue, but could feel my heart start to race like it does when someone tells me pit-bulls are inherently bad dogs who can never be trusted (that's another post for another day).  I thought about diving into a discussion about how it wasn't his fault, it was his addiction that ultimately led to his demise.  I wanted to yell "IT IS SAD!!!  It's very, very sad!!"

Then I paused, took a breath and thought to myself:  she's one of the lucky ones.  Her life has never been impacted by addiction, and her naivety is to be envied.  I turned, faced her and looked her in the eyes intently.

"Where should we have lunch?"

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

When I think About You I Touch my Elf

Menopause Christmas is fast-approaching and more importantly so is my birthday.  I was born on December 23rd and delivered home on Christmas morning which might explain why I'm so Christ-like.  I was a definite accident, as evidenced by my parents' inability to properly plan for a non-Christmas-time birth.  But that's neither here nor there.

I've come up with a wish-list of things I want (both tangible and non) for Birthmas. Here goes:

1. Frozen eggs 
I'm not really a spring chicken anymore as evidenced by my inability to recover from hangovers in 24 hours and the 3 grey hairs I found last tuesday as I attempted to use my curling wand properly.  I feel like girls my age are like figurative (beautiful, amazing, glorious) gumball machines - popping out babies on the reg and while I do try and bask in their merriment I can't help but worry that as I get old AF, so are my eggs (EW).  So the the other day when my boss informed me that my insurance covers egg freezing, I promptly did my research and asked "where do I sign up?!"  Feeling really anxious about this overshare proud to announce that's what I'll be getting myself for Birthmas, if for nothing else than to alleviate the mounting anxiety I face as the clock goes tick tock.  Also, this is almost like giving a gift to the world as it will be ensuring that I will have the opportunity to reproduce and WHO DOESN'T WANT A BUNCH OF MINI-ME'S RUNNING RAMPANT!?  Don't answer that. 

2. An Egg Making Machine
I promise you this whole list won't involve some variation of eggs.  I recently discovered the hard boiled egg maker at our office and I'm transfixed by it.  Simply take an egg, prick it on the pricker provided by aforementioned machine, put it in the egg holder-socket-thing for eleventeen minutes and VOILA!  You've got an afternoon snack to get you through your work day AND OH MY FUCKING  AM I REALLY TALKING ABOUT A HARD-BOILED EGG MACHINE LIKE A REAL LIVE ADULT-HUMAN?  Whatever - it's a chicken's nightmare, but my favorite new discovery and an egg-cellent stocking stuffer and you see what I did there.

3. A trip to LA to see my Godson and bestie 
I'm beginning to realize that adult acne is a very real thing plane tickets to see friends and family are the most important investment one can make.  Who really gives a flying fuck about a nice pair of shoes or a designer coat when you could buy a ticket to see your #1s?  Last month I went to see my college pals and I'm heading to LA this weekend to see more of my people and I'm more excited than Pee Wee Herman in an adult movie theatre.

4. The ability to not flake
I'm a notorious flake and I'm realizing more and more how unattractive, rude and deplorable that is.  I work in a business where people are about as reliable as Wal-pons (Walgreen's brand tampons) and it's forcing me to understand how fucked it is to bail on a plan last minute or worse - to simply ghost.  I've always adhered to the whole "I don't have to do anything I don't want to do" adage and now I'm realizing that actually, "YES, you have to go buy tiddly winx and pantyhose with your dog walker because you fucking told her you would AND IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU".  

5. The ability to properly comprehend traffic signals.
I would like, for once, to be able to lead the pack of pedestrians across the street as opposed to sheepishly lurking behind them and monitoring their every move to see when I can walk AND SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK DO THESE CONFLICTING SIGNALS MEAN!?   

6. A portable phone charger.
If my chord gets stuck in my chair wheel one more time...

Alright, that's all I got.  Have a great weekend!  Get dim sum!


Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Welcome to the Real World

Easing back into reality after the holidays is harder than staying awake/alert around Bill Cosby.  I went home for a week and slept approximately 163547 hours, ate copious amounts of clam chowder, and spent lots of quality time with my cell phone family.  All in all I'd say I had a pretty eventful Thanksgiving break:

1. I proudly carried on the Bunting Family facebook holiday hack, much to the dismay of my trusting sister. 

Props to my brother Charlie, who also participated:

2.  I spent a lot of time with my nieces, who are finally old enough (7&10) to give me informed, sound life advice pertaining to things like relationships, finances, how to get over the fact that a guy I used to practically be in love with is now dating Jewel (I can't make this shit up) and the fact that my 2 best friends in the world are both giving birth this week and I can't even find a steady hook-up. TMI?  Sorry, it's Toe Pick. 

3.  My entire family and I really bonded over the break.  We always stayed connected (to our iPhones, iTouches, iPads, iDontThinkWeNoticedEachOtherAtAll) no matter what.

4.  I told my dad a really funny OJ Simpson joke.  This photo captures the aftermath:

I think that about covers my trip home. Hope everyone had a nice thanksgiving.

Lastly - I want to give a shout out (I just felt like Carson Daly on TRL writing that) to the very nice, anonymous Toe Pick fan who has been sending presents, cash and letters to my office.  Please reveal yourself, the suspense is killing me.  Also, thank you.  I haven't been this excited to go to work in like 4 years.

Happy Tuesday, friendos!


Friday, November 20, 2015

6 Things I'm Thankful For

I know for many people 2016 has not been the best year.  For me, it has been for lack of a better word, normal.  2013 was a horrific year for me, 2015 was a close second but 2016 has been boring fine.  No matter what year it is I make a conscious effort to watch Mallrats remember what it is that I'm thankful for.  This year I've compiled a list of 6 people/things that I give thanks for sometimes when I have nothing else to do on a daily basis:

I am thankful for:

1. nieces.
I'm especially thankful for the the fact that they are finally old enough (8 and 11) to give me guy advice.  I know when Ellie (8) tells me to "just text him a picture of a rainbow, Auntie Owl!" that she knows what she's talking about and her informed advice will definitely get me closer to landing a boyfriend.  

2. ...the Internet, and my sister's inability to properly log out of her facebook account.
Without these 2 things I wouldn't be able to execute dozens of status update pranks.  Looking forward to seeing what I can pull off while I'm home next week, unbeknownst to my sweet, trusting sister. 

3. family.  
I love being home with family and getting to spend quality time with them, despite the fact that 87% of the time we are all glued to our phones or iPads.  We're in the same room, in the presence of each other and that's what counts, right?

4. ...Being able to show my mom how much I appreciate her.
Whenever I am home for the holidays I strive to help my mom out in any way I can by offering a hand in the kitchen.  Normally she only lets me fill the water glasses on the dinner table, or chop something but sometimes she'll trust me to help with cooking.  Which she ends up regretting when she sees that I've made dicks out of the food or flung the creamed onions in my sister's hair.  (I call it Monica-fying someone)

5.... other people's political rants
I truly never thought I'd say this, but I actually enjoyed the onslaught of anti/pro Trump facebook posts this year.  Watching grown adults fight with each other like children arguing over who gets the last tootsie roll was wildly amusing.  It was like the Onion had taken over my newsfeed except it was ALL REAL.  Moreover, immersing myself in people's diatribes as I lay awake at night cold and alone helped me get my mind off the fact that every single one of my friends is engaged, married and/or with child and I can't even keep the ants on my ant farm alive.  HAHA, just kidding, that was a joke - I don't have friends.

6. ..Toe Pick.
Writing has become more important to me than drunk texting ex-boyfriends.  I'm thankful to have this outlet that lets me do me (uhhh..that sounded weird).  I'm also thankful to live in a country where we have freedom of speech.  AND IN CONCLUSION MAY I PLEASE REMIND YOU THAT IT DOES NOT SAY RSVP ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.  Alright, I'm off to watch Clueless.

Wishing absolutely everyone (especially those without family, those who feel lonely, unaccepted, sad or lost) a very Happy Thanksgiving.

We're all in this together.



Sunday, November 15, 2015

It's Not About Your Shoe.

November 13, 2015

Noooo, it's already time to wake up?  
Why is my room so cold?  Does the heat in this apartment even work?  
I can't believe I kept waking up last night.  Now I'll definitely be tired all day.  Ugh.  
My roommate is hogging the shower, will she EVER get out?  
I for sure won't have time to stop at Starbucks to get a chocolate milk before work.  
But I want one!  

Fuck.  Uber's surge is 1.8.  
Why is there ALWAYS a surge?  
Of course the driver is taking forever. 
I hope he doesn't try to make small talk.
I'm going to be late for work.
Ugh - work.  I hate it.

"Gooood morning!  How are you?"  
I can't listen to my coworker's response.
I don't really care.
I need to focus on checking my e-mail. 

This day is going by so slowly.  
I have a headache.  Why did I go out last night?  I hate being hungover at work.  
I'm tired.  
I feel out of it.  
Did I text him last night?  Ugh, I did.  Why? 
He's definitely not thinking about me, so why can't I stop thinking about him? 
Move on.
Focus on work... 
the work you hate.  

What do I want for lunch? 
I'm sick of everything around here.  
Maybe I'll just walk around downtown and try to find a new place.  
Yeah, I'll do that.

Why did that lady I just passed scowl at me?  What's her problem? 
I am going to scowl back.  
SHIT!  My shoe is stuck.  These are brand new shoes!  
OMG did my heel seriously just break off?  This has to be a joke. 
How am I going to fix this?  
How am I going to walk back to my office without looking like an idiot?  
Where do I get my shoe fixed?  
Is there a place around here?  
Can't believe this happened.  
I wonder if it is even fixable?

I am going to call my mom.  
I can tell her about my what happened with my shoe. 
Also I have to ask her to pick me up from the airport next week.  
Wait, I feel like every time I talk to her I want something. 
Maybe I shouldn't ask her about the airport thing.  
But I don't want to take the shuttle home.  I'll be so tired.

"Mom!  you will not believe what happened to me earlier, my heel got stuck in the sidewalk and snapped in half and I - "

"Have you seen the news, Alexandra?"


Terrorist attack on Paris. 
129 people dead.
Try not to choke on perspective.
Think about all they had.  
Do shoes come to your mind, Alexandra?  
No, they don't.

Some had wives, some had husbands...
Some had nieces, some had nephews...
Some had girlfriends, some had boyfriends...
Some had brothers, some had sisters...
Some had dogs, some had cats...
Some had children, some had grandchildren...

...all had hearts, all had souls. 

These things that incessantly consume my mind are just that; things. 
Things that can be easily fixed.  
Your room's cold?  Get an extra blanket.
It's just chocolate fucking milk.  Drink water.
Uber has surge pricing? Walk.
Hate your job?  Get a new one.  Travel.  
Don't like being hungover and making poor decisions?  Stop drinking so much.
He doesn't want you?  Find someone who does.
Worried about having a ride home from the airport?  You're lucky to have a family to spend Thanksgiving with. Hitchhike if you have to. 

Today, more than ever I'm reminded that life isn't all about these little things.

It's about having compassion.  
It's about being kind.
It's about love and not hate.
It's about talking to your uber driver; he is probably bored from driving around.
It's about asking someone how they are and actually listening to their response.
It's about smiling at that stranger you pass on the sidewalk who looks sad.
It's about calling your mother wanting nothing except to tell her "I love you."
It's about forgiveness.
It's about gratitude. 
It's about humanity.

It's not about...
your shoe.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015


I have a tendency to overplay things.  I'll watch a movie over and over again until I have it memorized and I'll become so obsessed with a song that I'll listen to it on repeat until I lose friends.  (Whenever I'm in my friend's car on a road trip and she wants me to shut up she'll put on 1 of my 5 favorite songs.  We call said songs my "pacifiers.")  But enough about me and my remarkable inability to not be obsessive. 

I'll never forget when I first listened to Adele's new song, "Hello".  I knew right away it would become one of my most coveted pacifiers.  It was a grey San Francisco day; the seals were barking, the birds were chirping and somewhere in a BART station a homeless person was relieving himself.  I listened to this fucking song like 37 times that day.  I fell asleep to it, woke up to it, showered while it was playing and even changed my usual greeting of "hey!" to friends (on e-mail, text and in person) to a hollow, resounding, "hello."

The other day I grew tired of facebooking, gchatting and sober texting my exes working so hard that I came up with the idea to prank tinder using the lyrics to my new favorite song.  The results are mildly amusing astounding.  Have a look:

Hello, Daniel.  (btw, I totally messed up the lyrics at one point here.  Dratz!)

Hello, Mark.

Hello.  Ian.  

Hello from the outside, Nev. 
 And, that's all I got.  Happy hump day, pumpernickles!


Thursday, November 5, 2015

How to Avoid Becoming 'That Annoying Foodie Guy'

By Joel K.  

When it comes to blogging, I am a novice.  Sure, I’ve thought (and, subsequently, over-thought) about blogging for a while now, but I’ve never actually gotten around to doing it.  So when the world-famous “Nige” asked me to write a guest post on Toe Pick about food-blogging, I procrastinated for 3 months jumped at the opportunity. 

Here goes nothing…

My best friends call me The Big Kat and I am the founder of the “foodstagram” account @KatzGottaEat (or “KGE” for short).  For everyone reading this those of you who are unfamiliar with KGE, it is a San Francisco-based Instagram account focused on foods around the Bay Area (and beyond). I have no formal training in this realm, but I’ve always loved the culinary arts, I’ve always dreamed about being a food critic, and I started KGE as a “passion project” – at least that’s what I’ll tell The View one day if I ever make it big.  The truth is that I’ve watched far more episodes of Anthony Bourdain shows than I care to admit, and I needed an excuse to justify the amount of dollars I’ve spent and weight I’ve gained enjoying the insanely delicious restaurants of SF.

I’m still just an amateur food critic, but I’ve learned a few things about foodstgramming over the last 38+ weeks and I decided to write them down for your reading enjoyment.  So without further ado, I give you this:

The Art of Foodstagramming: An Incomplete Guide of Do’s & Don’ts

The Do’s

1)       Have Separate Instagram Accounts.  The first rule of successful foodstagramming is to create a new account.  Posting from your personal Instagram account is always bad idea.  I hate to break it to you, but nobody cares that you ate a kale salad for lunch today, or that you got almond milk after doing an inspiring SoulCycle class.  However, if you create an account that specifically focuses on food and people choose to follow it, then chances are they still won’t care will be interested in what you’re posting.

2)       Tag the Restaurant/Chef in Your Posts.  If you’re like me and you’re a terrible cook, then the majority of your posts will be food that you have purchased at a restaurant.  This is important for several reasons… First, it allows you to give credit where credit’s due and thank the restaurant/chef for your meal (it requires talent to make a meal, not to order it).  Second, it’s a great way to actually remember all of the places where you dine.  Finally, there’s a chance that you’ll actually interact with the restaurant/chef and it leads to free food the next time you dine at the restaurant – we all know that it’s really all about the free food at the end of the day.

3)       Mix It Up.  It is important to try new surroundings, use different angles, and occasionally add props.  No, I didn’t read that in the sex tips column from last month’s Cosmo I’m talking about the ways that you should photograph food.  Let’s face it: the food itself isn’t always that interesting.  As such, it is important to add variety to your posts and “spice” things up (pun intended, more of that to follow).

4)       Describe What You’re Working With.  You know why most people get annoyed with food posts?  Because they cannot actually taste the food you’re posting!  In order to get your followers interested in what you’re posting, you need to describe the dish (e.g., ingredients, preparation, cuisine style, etc.).  Otherwise, your followers simply will not care about your picture.

5)       Carve Out Your Own Niche.  As noted above, food itself can get pretty boring, so it’s important to add content to your posts that will keep your followers’ interest.  One of the best ways to make your posts more unique is to specialize in something – some foodstagrammers specialize in a particular type of food, others specialize in a particular region.  My specialty: puns.  Select examples of KGE’s puns include: “sausage puns are the wurst”, “I’m fishing for likes with this post”, and (for you R. Kelly fans out there) “it’s the remix to this chicken, hot’n fresh out the kitchen”.  You get the idea.

The Don’ts

1)       Over-Share / Over-Post.  I get it… you’re really proud of what you’re eating, and you want the whole world to see the food your plate!  But before you hit that “share” button on your iPhone, ask yourself: “Will others find this as interesting as I do?”  While I understand that “content is king” when it comes to Social Media, it’s really “good content” that is king… so let’s just hold-off on posting that homemade quinoa bowl you made or that half-eaten eggroll, and save it for your personal collection.  *Pro Tip: Avoid taking pictures of meals that are the same color, or brown sauces – they don’t look good.

2)       Post Motivational Quotes to Accompany the Food.  Foodstagramming is supposed to be an escape… it is not supposed to be a Tony Robbins seminar that you signed up for near the airport.  Please keep the motivational quotes about “healthiness”, “being bold” and “positive attitudes” to yourself… I’m trying to look at mouth-watering pictures of burritos here!

3)       Post Dishes with Clutter.  Have you ever seen a plate that looks “messy” in Bon Appétit magazine?  The answer is no. When taking food pics, make sure that your plates are clean & pristine – any imperfection will be noticeable, and your “likes” will suffer (need to get to 11!).  Remember, it’s best to take a picture at that start of the meal… not in the middle of it.

4)       Only Post Expensive Food.  We all have that friend.  You know, the one who is somehow always dining at Michelin-starred restaurants or is always posting bottle service pics from high-end clubs.  That friend is annoying.  Food is supposed to be democratic… and oftentimes the best foods aren’t fancy, they are simple and delicious (e.g., donuts, breakfast sandwiches, foods with carbs, etc.).  With foodstagramming, variety is key (see “Do” #3), and people care more about the food itself than the money you spent on it.

And last but not least

5)       Admit to Watching Guy Fieri.  I mean, seriously, that guy is the worst. And the internet is like, totally permanent, man.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now.  I hope you enjoyed my first foray into food-blogging as much as I did (there are no guarantees of this occurring).  But, before I leave you, here’s a list of 5 SF restaurants that are awesome right now:

·         AL’s Place (Mission)
·         The Progress (Fillmore District)
·         Hogwash (Union Square)
·         Belga (Cow Hollow)
·         Señor Sisig Food Truck (FiDi/SoMa)

Yours truly,

The Big Kat