Wednesday, February 11, 2015

True Life: All I got on Valentine's Day was dry-humped

As we all know, Valentine's Day is fast approaching.  I've been made aware of this every day since mid-January by my mecca, Walgreens.  Seriously, W-greens: can't a girl snag up some Haribo Goldbears without getting blinded by in-your-face splashes of crimson, pink, fuchsia, magenta (OH MY)?  I try and avoid the blood-bath that is the Valentine's Day aisle but it's quite difficult I tell you.  Valentine's Day used to make me feel the way Ted Kaczyinski must have felt when he lived in the tiny little cabin in bumble-fuck Montana but now I still get really depressed, I don't mind it so much.  I finally feel like I can embrace the holiday, even though I am a single white olive female.  (SOF) 

^^this is a lovely room of death^^

I've pretty much always been single on Valentine's Day, excluding 4 years ago when I was semi-dating a celibate and sober guy.  I spent that particular V Day embarrassing myself by having too many bottles glasses of wine at dinner and mistakenly dunking my egg roll in my water glass instead of the soy sauce saucer.  Most people get candy and roses for Valentine's Day.  I got dry-humped and a hangover.

 But that's neither here nor there.  Instead of wallowing in my singledom, I have decided I would embrace Valentine's Day by focusing on everything in my life that I love.  Because Valentine's Day isn't just about romance and cheesiness couples.  It's about love in it's many forms.  There are a lot of things to love in this world like haribo gummi bears and not getting dry-humped.  With this sentiment in mind, I have decided to put together a list of things/people in my life that I value.  OH- and bonus: none of them get off on humping my Rag and Bones (pun mildly intended) . YAY!

1.  My family

I love my big, funny family.  Each member is unique in his or her own way.  I am pretty sure they love me too, even though not one of my siblings has acknowledged or confirmed my request to make our precious relationships official on facebook.  You guys are simply the best.  Better than all the rest.  Better than anyone.  And now I have that Tina Turner song stuck in my head.


My mom's the greatest too, and she's always had the best sense of humor.  Like when she commissioned an artist to paint my portrait 23 years ago and I came out looking like an avatar spawn.  #freakyshit #wannamakeout


2.  Tree houses

Ever since I picked up my first Berenstain Bears book I've been enamored with tree houses. They're the perfect little sanctuaries and can serve as both a home and a hiding spot in the event that you're trying to avoid getting dry-humped.

3. The people of San Francisco

I love the people in my city.  We've got transvestites, whack-jobs, artists, corporates and dry-humpers.  (Ok, I'm going to quit with the DH jokes.)  But seriously, there is inspiration everywhere in this enchanting town.  A lot of ideas I get for Toe Pick come from simply observing San Franciscans go about their daily lives.  Also, people are nice here.  I always feel a sense of camaraderie with my fellow SF-ers even when I'm riding muni.  Just last week I put my foot up on the seat in front of me to stretch and my neighbor quickly followed suit.  It was like she really got me, even without saying a word.

                                                                                       2 peas in a pod 

4. Electronics 

I was rummaging through old pictures at my parents house and came across a number of photos of myself as a disengaged little shit a child playing with my game boy.  I was obsessed with that thing that I'm pretty sure my very first sex dream involved Mario.  Or Luigi.  Or both.  But I digress.  As the years passed, my gameboy gradually got replaced by a red Zack Morris Nokia, then 67 a couple of blackberries I drunkenly misplaced and now, my beloved iphone.  Chances are I am thisclose to developing Carpol Tunnel Syndrome as a result of incessant texting, scrolling and double tapping.  
              ^^ this is my "oh my fucking god, (insert name of person I barely know) unfollowed me!" face. ^^

 5.  My bitchy, flat-faced stapler

Let's face it: office life is not always butterflies and whippits.  Sometimes sitting at a desk all day in an upright and locked position can be a downer.  That's why there's nothing better than have something to commiserate with, even if that thing is a fucking stapler.  Sometimes, after lunch before I make my cold calls, I'll look down at my sassy stapler looking up at me as if to say "I feel your pain, cube life sucks balls."


6. Egg rolls

I love egg rolls, as you know - not only because they are tasty and remind me of little presents but also because they are metaphorically representative of my ideal guy: slightly golden, hard and crisp, tough on the outside but warm on the inside and filled with surprises.  Also, both are better with a little sauce.
Oh.  Hi Ryan Gosling and an egg roll.
 Ok, that's all I have.  To all you singles out there, when Valentine's Day hits on Saturday - I suggest you make a list of things you love if only to help me feel less self-indulgent because it has made me feel marginally better about facing this holiday alone.  


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