Thursday, February 19, 2015

TPSF's top 100 DEALBREAKERS Committed by Men

Hey there, freaks.  I saw 50 Shades of Grey last night solo and lemme tell you, I felt like a massive creep drooling slouching in the back of the theater in my black trench, clutching a bottle of Sauv Blanc...especially during the sex scenes.  But that's neither here nor there.

It was difficult not to get distracted by Dakota Johnson's massive bush all the dealbreakers committed by Christian Grey (played by Jamie Dorknan..ahem, Dornan) from the creepy look in his eye to how he bids Anastasia good-bye by whispering "laters, baby," to the way he unabashedly brags about his power/money etc.  (Personally, this is my #1 dealbreaker.. I don't really give AF what you drive, where you live or how many FF miles you've accumulated - all I hear is noise). Then I realized I have a full arsenal of Dealbreakers gleaned from approx 327843 girls I polled awhile back.  Without further ado, I bring you the top 100 dealbreakers for her.  

Men, take note: 


-Wearing tank tops or V-NEX

why god why.

If your V-Neck is so low I can almost see your pubes, then you're doing it wrong

-Wearing white Havaianas
-Wearing T-shirt/wife-beater under a button-down

-Wearing short-sleeved button downs
-Talking to me about your fraternity (yes, that still happens)
-Sports Jerseys (I don't care if you're at the game or at a sports bar, if you don't play for the team don't wear the uniform.)

the only thing you should "sport" is a girdle
-Taking pride in not reading books
-Liking girls who are still in college or girls who have fake tits
-Makes less money than me
-Putting too much effort into your muscles
-Wearing Cargo pants/ anything with cargo pockets
-Having a bad name (ex: Darryl)
-Long toe-nails
-Can't drive standard transmission vehicle
-Referring to a car as a ve-HICLE (in a really southern accent)
-Can't pump your own gas or change a tire
-Pleated pants
-High and tight hair cuts (crew cuts), mullets, mo-hawks, rat tail etc.
-GUYS WHO POWER WALK (my personal fave)
Can you please "power walk" into oncoming traffic, dear sire?

-Having webbed feet/hands
-Being illiterate or inarticulate
-Men who weigh less than me
-Men with heavy southern accents
-Men who don't have a mattress pad or know what one is
-Men over 40 who haven't been engaged or married (total sketch, there are no "accidental" bachelors over 40 besides George Clooney)
-Being overly into yoga
-Guys who do pilates
-Wearing guyliner
-Being nick-named "Party Boy" by your peers
-Having Hollywood hair
- Men who don't know how their parents met (Bad sign)
-Not knowing how to use a fork or knife properly
-Saying any of the following phrases: relax, chill out, just chill, calm down, it's not a big deal, don't freak out... saying any of these expressions directly correlates opposite reaction
-Doesn't have a drivers license
-Naked farts (SICK)
-Men who snuggle with their brothers
-Doesn't drink beer
-Guys who drink Amstel Light
-Guys who call me "snickerdoodle" (this note was written 3 years ago is still proudly displayed on my friend's fridge)


-Bad acne
-BAD TEETH (big one, IMO)
-Makes judgments like "Do you really need another glass of wine?"
-Voicemails over 1 min long consisting of stories like his walk on the beach and finding you a pretty shell.
-Cheesy notes...inside a plastic Easter egg
-Overly aggressive AND excessive texts/calls/VMs/notes
-Overly revealing Facebook info page
-Texts about using the bathroom
-Stiffing the girl with a $274 dinner bill
-Dressing up in your Navy Whites on a blind date
-Did I mention using the term LOL
-Using the word moist, panties, shucks
-Shaving any part of your body (arms, chest, etc, etc)
-Spits indoors
-Status updates about being at a salon
-Long and overdone text messages with excessive exclamation points
-Bragging about $$$
-Singing Madonna out loud in Golden Gate Park… (is not only a Dealbreaker but highly questionable)
-Requesting anything low fat
-Cheating on your girlfriend
-Facebook Chatting... C'mon, Olof.  

-Not knowing how to swim
-Has never left the country
-Too scared to fly
-Using the term “My lady”
-Awwww+Babe+wink emoticon
-Chain Necklaces 
-Still lives in parents' basement
-toe rings/thumb rings/ pinkie ring (unless it's a class ring from an elite college or a family crest ring)/middle finger ring/earring/nose ring, etc etc.
-Selfish in the sack
-Socks in the sack
-Hair in ponytail
-Tongue tied
-Getting white film on the sides of mouth when talking too much and being belligerent
-Unkempt fingernails
-Stone-washed jeans

AC Slater?

-Plaid European Mankinis
-Anyone who can't shred...F-ing Joeys on the mountain (Thanks Franimal)
-Frosted tips

Frosted JT in his prime

-goatee, unibrow, chin pubes

stop it. 
-Saying "hope all is well' when signing off on an e-mail
-When lady excuses herself to go to the bathroom don't ask what #.
-Green Turtlenecks
-Kissing like a snapping turtle
-Dropping the G off of “ing” AKA hangin, chillin, watchin, skiin

no me gusta

And that's all I got.  If any of you guys reading this are guilty of committing any of the above dealbreakers, don't sweat it - these aren't universal.  Also, look at it this way: you'll know when you find the person you're meant to be with when he/she loves you in spite of the fact that you're a toe ring wearing, emoticon using, celibate, smelly, facebook chatting, unemployed gelhead. 

xo, Nige

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