Despite my obvious excitement, I will assert that I do not anticipate my journey to the east coast to be seamless given my past traveling blunders. When I walk through an airport I feel as though my I am in the Truman Show - all of the chaos around me is actually a show everyone has a part in except for me: husbands and wives decked out in tragic sweatsuits bickering as they struggle to maintain order amongst their screaming, disobedient kids running amok, old men and women being carted past me in America Airlines wheelchairs by a randomly appointed, short, disengaged Indian man, the pilots marching toward their respective gates gripping their brief cases much like armed soldiers heading into battle and lest we forget the camouflaged redneck couple doused in deer blood awaiting their flight to bum-fuck Alabama. It's like they're all actors - their stage the airport.
"You're much safer on an airplane than you are in a car," people have told me 546 times. Some call my fear of flying irrational and become visibly bothered when I vent about it. I hastily respond to their condescending assertions by saying something like "Oh - right, I'm the irrational one. And a man-made metal tube flying 500 MPH 2000 feet in the sky is rational. Right, tell me that part about Kenny G. again?"
I didn't used to be scared of flying - until about 5 years ago when I was flying to New Orleans and the plane dropped so fast and suddenly that every passenger gasped in horror - some even screamed. I thought that was it for me, and I hadn't even had the chance to sample one of those coveted 50 pound gummy bears they'd just come out with. But that's neither here nor there. In an effort to prepare myself for my upcoming cross-country flight, I've come up with some ways to quell the inevitable anxiety I'll be faced with. I urge you to try these out too - I guarantee some of my tips will help make your travelling chafes less chafe-y. Here goes:
1. You'll likely take an uber to the airport
2. Upon boarding the plane, poke your head in the cockpit and ask the pilot if he knew Amelia Earhart. If so, make sure they didn't go to the same flight school.
3. You'll likely be sitting next to a passenger with rancid halitosis so be sure to come fully equipped with Listerine that you can force upon him or her against his or her will.
4. Flying Virgin and put off by their signature translucent purple mood lighting? Simply imagine the plane is one large tanning bed and you're getting skin cancer with 231 other strangers. This will help shift any fears you have centered around the possibility of perishing in a plane crash.
making the poverty march to seat 37465 Z.
5. If the flight attendant offers you peanuts, turn them down and say you're severely allergic to nuts as you fearfully eye the man's crotch sitting next to you and begin to tremble, itch your eyes and sneeze repeatedly.
6. Alternatively, if you do like peanuts, tell the flight attendant you would like some, but ask if you can get them to go.
7. Offer to help the flight attendants hand out drinks in a concerted effort to get a refund on your overpriced ticket.
it is in your breast interest to befriend the flight attendants.
8. Use your reading material to gauge turbulence severity. For example, if you get to a troubling article about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's break-up and the plane simultaneously hits turbulence, assume there is a direct correlation between the two and promptly stash your magazine in the seat pocket in front of you.
9. If you're like me, you'll be seated in row 657D right by the toilets. Once the flight lands, it will likely take ample time for you to deboard given the number of people ahead of you fetching their bags and taking their sweet ass time. Handle this by pouting, impatiently stomping your feet and complaining to the guy next to you. You are important. Your problems are unique. People will listen.