Thursday, October 15, 2015

Advice From my 32-year-old Self to my 22-year-old Self

Life directly after college is a very confusing, terrifying wonderful time.  I grew sick of facebooking, TMZ-ing and gchatting working yesterday afternoon and got to thinking about what advice I'd give my 22 year old self knowing what I don't know 10 years later.  Here goes:

1. Chill out, job interviews aren't that scary.  
ah, to be 22 again.  things have really not changed.  
The trick to nailing an interview is to appear completely captivated by what the interviewer is saying.  Ask him/her questions about his/her experience at the company and hang on his/her every word.  Don't be afraid to make small-talk either; people love to give directions, restaurant recommendations and talk about their pets.  Ever wonder why you like your therapist so much? Because she sits there and listens to you spout out insignificant, painful gibberish about your dramatized life for 60 minutes and acts like she fucking cares. Job interviews are no different - simply reverse roles and act like you're the therapist.  Always remember - people love to talk about themselves, which is why you'll start a blog in 2011 you self-indulgent little slugger.

2.  Accept the fact that you are not an inherently organized person.
You leave cabinets, your legs and drawers open.  You forget to turn your vibrator straightener off before you leave your parent's basement awesome apartment.  You even have to set a reminder to set a reminder.  You should not, by any means pursue a profession centered around organizing other people.  You're not meant to be an Administrative Assistant.  People say it's an easy job but for whatever reason it'd be really hard for you; you'd have more luck picking up Pick-up Sticks with your buttcheeks than making it as an Admin.  If you do try to succeed in any administrative capacity you will fail and it will be sad and your mom will tell you to "pull yourself together, Alex-haaan-draaaa!".  Stop trying, it's not for you and that's okay.

3. Keep most thoughts to yourself
You should not verbalize 70% of the absolutely absurd things that run through your head.  You'll go see Widespread Panic with your friends against your will and have the urge to ask the guy with the impossibly long dread locks noodling next to you if his hair touches the toilet water when he uses the bathroom.  You should not do this.  If you do, he will fly into a rage and try and put you in a headlock.  Sometimes LSD can make people volatile.  Practice having an inner monologue, for fuck's sake.

4. Don't touch that
You'll date a guy named Matt for a couple of months.  One morning Matt will get up to take a shower and leave his phone unlocked.  Directly after he exits the room he will receive a text from a girl named Jocelyn*. I'm warning you: do not, and I repeat, do not read it...Matt forgot his towel and will be coming back into his room in 45 seconds to retrieve it and oh my god, he's coming - put the phone down. 

6. $1,000 may seem like a lot of money, but it's really not
You may be so psyched when you get your first paycheck that you'll want to blow it on a horrible Burberry jacket that looks like you put it on inside out.  If you do this you won't be able to eat or pay your cable and electric bill and as a result you'll be hungry, bored and in the dark (Literally and figuratively) for nearly a month. Also, you're not Puff Daddy.  Pawn the jacket.

7.  Oh, and that Coach bag that's practically attached to your person is the absolute worst... lose that too.  I know you know the one I'm talking about, girls my age.  You probably had it too.
8.  Stop doing that to your hair
Just because you had blonde hair when you were little doesn't mean you can pull off platinum blonde hair now.  Stop it.

9. Give it up
If you have to ask yourself if he's into you then that means he's not into you and likely won't ever be, even if you get spray tanned or whiten your teeth or learn how the game of football works.  Fuck that guy.  And by fuck that guy I mean do not fuck that guy.

10. Stop making up your own rules 
Your landlord means it when he says rent is due by the 5th of each month; that's not a light suggestion and it's certainly not open to interpretation.  Just because you already paid last month doesn't mean you don't have to pay this month.

12.  Be weary of social media
You'll feel like an adult when you first join LinkedIn.  Everyone will neglect to inform you of the fact that people can see if you've looked at their profile, so refrain from stalking every single boy you've made out with and their current/ex-girlfriends.  They will all know.  They really, really will.
LinkedIn: it will link you to a couple restraining orders if you're not careful. 
13.  C'mon, do I really need to tell you this?
Handjobs are sooooo two thousand and what the fuck are you thinking.  Don't give one, I don't care how drunk you are or what your perpetually single friend Stacey says.  They are the bastard stepchild of sexual acts. Plus guys can do it better themselves.

14.  Quality over quantity 
You'll have 2 sets of friends: party friends who know only the drunk you who talks like Ace Ventura, and real-life friends who will come over in the middle of the night on a tuesday and bring you Nacho Cheesier Doritos when you're feeling sad because they know they're your favorite.

And that's all I have.

I am happy to share that I've signed on to write for the Bold Italic, which has been a goal of mine ever since I moved to San Francisco 7 years ago.  I can't wait to reach a wider audience and to write about the city I love.

A friend of mine told me a few years ago when I was feeling a little bit lost to "no matter what, never stop writing".  This week, more than ever, I realize how glad I am I took that advice.  :)

Happy Thursday!

*Oh, and FYI - chill out, 22-year-old Alexandra.  Jocelyn is Matt's sister.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Back to the Basics


First off I'd like to express my sincerest appreciation to every single one of you who took the time to read my story about anxiety.  I felt honored to read your comments, messages and stories.  I'd contemplated sharing my struggle for a while (literally - I sat, knee-deep in General Tso's Chicken brows furrowed, and stared at the computer screen for hours like 30 minutes before posting), and had I known I would get such a kind, warm response I would have put it all out there a long time ago. Again - THANK YOU very much for being so nice. :)

I wasn't quite sure how to switch gears so I decided to simply feature a list of random shit that's been happening around SF and in my mildly uneventful life.  Let's jump right in:

1.  I felt like Tom Hanks in Big last weekend when I crashed in my nephew's room and basked in Star Wars sheets.  Also, I definitely straightened my hair for this picture.  So yeah, things are going really well for me these days. #JesusChristLordAlmightyGodHelpMe.  

2. My small-talk game hit an all-time low (or high depending on how you look at it) last week when I was talking to a candidate at work.  Our conversation had hit a dead-end, and as a result, a lengthy awkward silence ensued.  I hate awkward silences as much as Donald Trump hates enunciating the H in the word "huge" so I knew I had to squash it.  I looked up at her nervously and out it came: "Sorry, this is random - but do you remember Judge Ito from the OJ trial?  I wonder what he's up to these days...?"

Ooops.  Made it worse.

2.  I'm pretty psyched to have finally found my shoe I thought I lost at a rager last weekend dream salon.  I wonder if they give happy endings good blow-outs?

3.  Follow this guy on instagram if you want to laugh until Whispering Angel spews from your nostril holes.

4.  Awhile back I was walking to Chipotle work and looked up to find myself trailing a cross between Amanda Bynes and Alice from Alice In Wonderland BECAUSE SAN FRANCISCO. 

5.  San Francisco sunsets have been on point lately, much to the dismay of my follower count on instagram. Dear SF sky - can you please cut it the fuck out and go back to being foggy and grey?  My followers are dropping faster than John Travolta's pants at a Scientology convention.

I don't know how to not post a sunset photo.

 6. I ran into a Matt Lauer lookalike at Balboa 2 weekends ago.  I completely ambushed him, told him I loved him on the Today Show, I was sorry about his rift with Anne Curry and that I thought he did a great job interviewing Joyce Mitchell, the woman who blew aided the convicts in escaping from that prison in upstate New York a couple months ago and oh my god why can't I just be a normal, functioning member of society.  Was that a run-on?
Interviewing Lauer ^^

7.  My desire to adopt a pit-bull (or 5) was solidified when I ran into these 2 gangsterz the other day:

And, that's all I have for today.  I better get back to wishing I was somewhere else work.  Happy Tuesday, friendos!  Get dim sum!

All my breast,