"Will you write a review for The Preppie Connection on Toe Pick? Oh wait, you're so self-absorbed you can only write about yourself, right? Hahaha."
I kicked my brother's foot under the table and glared desperately at my mom as if to say, "Do something! Scold him for being such a dick!"
"Charlie!" she squealed. "Be nice to your sister. And put $10 in the Critical jar for that comment." (Yes, my family has a Critical jar we use when we get together. I'm fairly certain I could use the money it has amassed to pay my rent.)
A menacing, Cheshire Cat-esque smile spread across my face as I winked at my brother and said "Sure thing, asswipe. Will do." I left breakfast that morning 5 dollars poorer.
Anyhoo, (ugh, really hate that expression, apologies) I'm in the process of writing a movie review on the Preppie Connection, a spectacular Indie film directed (by the amazing Joe Castelo) and produced by a bevy of exceedingly talented people (including my
demeaning darling brother) and I'll admit, I'm kinda having a hard time with it. Siskel or Ebert, I am not. In fact, I've learned that I am about as good at writing movie reviews as Bill Cosby is at having consensual sex.
So I took a break from writing my review to discuss something equally as important, What's in My Bag. I realize by doing this I am only validating my brother's aforementioned (hurtful) allegation and that makes me feel tense. (btw, the Preppie Connection is available on itunes - you gotta see it, it's reminiscent of Outside Providence - quite possibly one of the best movies ever made.)
Some of you
might not have a life (like me) have read Us Weekly's column called "What's in My Bag" wherein a celeb reveals what's in her purse. I'm obviously not a celeb, but I am someone who is running dangerously low on writing material.
With that said, let's get sharted.
With that said, let's get sharted.
1. Headphones and a hat
I've found these 2 items (along with #7) to be highly effective weapons in the battle against small talk. Oftentimes I'll wear my hat to the grocery store just in case I need to hide from a random acquaintance. The grocery store is a terrible place to see someone you know when you're not feeling it and the likelihood of you running into that person multiple times is high given the amount of aisles you'll both potentially be perusing simultaneously. You've been there, I'm sure. And it's okay: sometimes you're just not in the mood to talk to Sharon (the lady who lives above you that you hear having sex on the reg) about Tabby, (her overweight cat suffering from ringworm) as you strain to avoid making eye contact with the family-sized tub of Vagisil poking out of her cart. This hat conceals my signature Jheri curl, making me almost unrecognizable to the naked eye.
Oh, and I use my headphones when I don't feel like shooting the shit with a chatty Uber driver about his side jobs and the great mileage his Kia Spectra gets. Sorry, Reginald, I'm tired and Michael Bolton's "When a Man Loves a Woman" just came on Pandora.
2. Debit cards
I lose permanent debit cards faster than Jared Fogle lost his anal virginity in prison (too soon? too much? too real? shit.). But for whatever reason, I never lose my temporary cards. This results in a mass quantity of temporary B of A debit cards swimming around in the bottom of my bag amongst empty Haribo gummi bear bags and loose Parliament Light tobacco. I'm like Hansel + Gretal but with Debit Cards instead of breadcrumbs.
3. Hair tie
My hair tie is multifunctional. I use it to tie up my Jheri curl whenever it acts up in response to the thick San Francisco fog, and I snap it on my wrist each time I want to drunk text an ex and need a reminder not to. My hair tie is not really good at what it does, with regard to both scenarios. I don't even know why I bother sometimes and GOOD GOD, YOU HAD 2 JOBS, HAIR TIE - 2 JOBS.
I keep these handy in the event that I need to tame my Jack Nicholson brows.
5. Haribo Gummi Bear nightlight
One of my best friends gave this to me a couple years ago for my birthday. I take it with me when I travel because I'm scared of the dark. (See also: why I'm still single.)
6. Self-help books
I take these out when I need some life guidance or when I'm on Muni and want to make people feel uncomfortable.
8. Uhh, yeah.
I added this in there for shock value because I'm getting paranoid that my readership is waning. Desperate times...
9. Soy sauce + Mentos
Because I never know when someone will offer me an eggroll. Or what if I get into some kind of bind and need Mentos to save the day, like in those commercials from the nineties?
10. My ID
Now I can't focus... #8 is going to haunt me, I know it.
I buy this on occasion in anticipation of a sleepless, worrisome night stemming from a less than ideal event that occurred on a particular day. Like today, for example - THE DAY I EXPOSED # 8 TO THE WORLD WIDE WEB.
I carry makeup because sometimes I need it to cover up the circles under my eyes I acquire from staying up late worrying about things like if it was really necessary to overshare to the extent that I did re: #8. And this is how spiralized anxiety works, my friends.
I lose keys almost as much as I lose debit cards. So my friend gave me a gummi bear key chain that vibrates and lights up. And, I normally keep my keys around my wrist thanks to my obnoxious pink bracelet key chain or whatever you call it.
Alright, that's all I got. Happy
dry hump day, friendos!