Tuesday, April 5, 2016

One Fine Day

I'm not too good at finishing things, except for the General Tso's chicken I ate last night as I caught up on the most recent episode of FX's The People VS. OJ Simpson.  But with regard to life things - I don't have very good follow through.  I'll start something, get disinterested or distracted by a Dateline episode and leave it hanging until eventually it floats into the abyss amongst my lost debit cards, dignity and shoes.  Today is a special day because it's Toe Pick's 5th year anniversary.  It is on this day I am reminded of the fact that I can follow through with writing about myself a lot something - provided it's something I like.

Writing Toe Pick hasn't been all daisies, butterflies and dildos though.  Sometimes I feel like I've put so much work into this and don't have much to show for it.  Having this blog (blarf on that word) has caused me to lose out on potential job opportunities and has made dates interesting (by interesting I mean awkward) because what do you think the first thing people see when they google my name is?  Then I think of the positives writing Toe Pick (and writing in general) has brought me.  It has gotten me through some of my darkest hours and has helped me attain a level of clarity and calm I never thought I could reach.  As corny as it may sound, writing is my church, my therapy, my drug of choice, the only thing I can consistently look to for comfort...for peace...for energy...for companionship.

Last night I struggled to not drunk dial my ex think of something to write about to commemorate Toe Pick's 5th Anniversary.  Then, I read a post on a blog I discovered a couple months ago called AA by Allison Arnone. She is a great writer and I relate to her in a lot of ways.  Check it out here - it's awesome. In her post she writes about things she wants to eventually do...one day.  So, I'm going to follow suit.  (Thanks for the inspiration, friend!)

Someday I'll remember to not use the restroom directly after my boss does, especially at 10:30am after she's had her morning coffee and GOOD GOD IT'S LIKE I'LL NEVER LEARN.

Someday I'll win my longstanding battle against the San Francisco fog and finally learn how to work with my Jheri Curl and cowlick, instead of against them.

Someday I'll listen to my instincts, instead of disregarding them and treating them like the last kid picked to be on a dodge ball team. My instincts are pretty much always on point.  They're looking out for me, and it's time I put all of my trust in them AND GOOD GOD, I FEEL LIKE THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN'S SOUL.  Sorry for shouting.

Someday I'll realize the importance of going after everything I want, except when it comes to guys. That shit doesn't work, Alexandra.

Someday I'll stop referring to myself in third person.

Someday I'll figure out what in the F those little black beads that end up in Brita filters are.  Seriously, though - WTF are they!?  Someone should make a necklace out of them or something.

Someday I'll realize that although my thoughts are powerful, my ability to control and change them is more powerfuller.

Someday I'll stop making up words.

Someday I'll wise up and act my age with regard to partying.  Alcohol causes more problems then it solves (like 2 day hangovers, for examp), and sometimes I think I'd like to tattoo that fact onto my forehead, so I'm reminded of it every time I look in the mirror.  It's all funny, care-free, wild and silly... until it's not.  As fun as raging is, it can also cause sadness, anxiety, disorganization, shame and regret. On the flipside, I've written some of my best stuff when I've been low and hungover.  Catch 22 I guess.

Someday I won't feel anxious about how open I am on Toe Pick (see above), and instead feel brave.

Someday I'll stop being more dramatic than Shakespeare.

Someday I'll follow through with plans I make with nice girls l meet in the bathroom at Balboa at 1am. SORRY we never went to the aquarium and got facials like we planned, Cindi with an i.  Thanks for letting me use your bronzer.

Someday when someone asks me who I want to be our next president I won't get confused and say "Bernie Madoff... SANDERS, I MEANT SANDERS."

Someday I'll sync my contacts from my old phone up with my new one so I can actually know who I am texting instead of playing the guessing game based on the contents of texts. (Even though said game is kinda fun and makes me feel like Sherlock Holmes.)

In fact, I've been having a full blown, days long conversation with someone and I'm not yet sure who this someone is.  Truly stumped.  

Someday I'll hang up my towel after I shower.

Someday I'll fall in love with someone who doesn't mind my obsession with the OJ case.  All the things I dislike about myself will be the things he (or she? just kidding, wanted to make sure you were paying attention) loves the most.

Someday I'll rescue a dog.  I'll take him or her to the park on a random Sunday.  We'll meet other dogs and I'll talk to their owners about things like flea medicine, the best dog walkers and groomers in SF and whatever else it is dog owners talk about.  I'll take really, really good care of my dog, and that will remind me of my capacity to love another living thing more than life itself.

Someday I'll write a book about life and I won't sugarcoat anything.  I'll include the good, the bad and the downright FUGLY.  People will read it and say "hey, I can relate to her - I've dealt with anxiety too," or "wow - I've gotten caught scouring my boyfriend's text messages too, fuck - that was embarrassing, but embarrassing shit happens, such is life.  It's nice to know I'm not alone."  I'll be the black sheep in an era dominated by sparkly deception brought about by social media.  I'll remind those who feel defeated, inadequate and/or insecure that life is not all nice houses with manicured gardens, happy couples with perfectly straight white teeth posing on the beach, and weekend jaunts to Martha's Vineyard and Aspen. Life is so much messier than that - we all know it and think it...
I'll say it.

Someday I'll tell my coworker not to hover over me as I type, and while I'm at it, I'll tell him he might want to look into gargling some Listerine.

Someday I'll quit complaining so much.  Recently I decided to make a list of my complaints on a daily basis.  Every time I complain I try and write whatever it is I said (or thought) down.  My goal is for the list to dwindle overtime.  There are people who are lonely, who don't have food, who don't have shoes, who don't have hope, who don't have love.  Is it really necessary for me to complain like a little bitch about the avocado they forgot to put on my sandwich? COME ON.

Someday (August 9th @ 6 30pm in AT&T Park) I'll see the original GUNS 'N FUCKING ROSES live and one of my lifelong dreams will be fulfilled.  It will be just as cool as I imagined it would be.

Someday I'll take that guy who isn't interested in me off the pedestal I've put him on and replace him with the guy who is.

Someday I'll move back east and look back on my years in California wistfully, always feeling indebted to this magical little city by the sea for giving me the best friends and memories I could have ever hoped for.

Someday I'll realize and accept the fact that at the end of the day, all I have is myself and that won't scare me. 

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and support Toe Pick over the last 5 years. You've made me feel like it's safe and okay to be myself.  Without your kind words (and sometimes mean ones) I wouldn't have kept at it for as long as I have, so THANK YOU.


Monday, April 4, 2016

My Interview with Southern Charm's Shep Rose

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend.  Mine was great.  I went to my first baby shower and it was pretty much everything I expected it to be, except we didn't play Pin the Tail on the Placenta like I'd envisioned.  It's kind of trippy that all my close friends are starting to have babies and all I'm having is Chinese food, a Hot Pocket and anxiety about drunk texting my ex Friday night.  But that's neither here nor there.

I'm really excited to feature an interview I did with my pal Shep Rose from Bravo's Southern Charm.  He's funnier than my Hindu gynecologist with a lisp and an uncanny ability to make casual small talk at the most inopportune times.  Stirrups + talk of your son's summer camp plans don't mix well, Bhadrak. Know your audience, my friend. 

I've grown to loathe the Bachelor (snoozefest), I can't wrap my head around Game of Thrones, and I can't bear to look at Claire Danes' crying face on Homeland.  So when I realized the premiere of my favorite show, Southern Charm is tonight I got more excited than Pee Wee Herman in an adult movie theater, especially now that The People VS OJ Simpson is nearing the end.  Southern Charm is a really entertaining show, people..in part due to Shep's shepic one-liners.  So without further ado, check out my interview with him. 

1.  What do you find to be the most attractive quality in a woman?
Being cultured and well-traveled.

b. A man?

2. If you could get rid of one stated in the US which one would it be and why. 
The Dakota without Mount Rushmore.

3. If I were to come to your house for dinner what would you make for me?
I'd ask you "What do you want on your tombstone?" and set the oven to 400. 

4. Name a song or band that best describes your sex life.
Insane clown posse

5. Would you rather have breakfast with Charles Manson or OJ Simpson?  Explain yourself.
Charles Simpson.  He's my accountant...and a heck of a guy.

6. What's your favorite pick-up line?
"You might as well sleep with me.  I'm going to tell everyone we did anyway."

7. What's your least favorite thing about humanity?

8. If you could pick 2 celebrities to be your parents who would they be?
Kirk Russell and Caitlyn Jenner.

9.  Are you more a hunter or a gatherer?
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.
Definitely hunter.  But aren't they the same in a sense?  Gotta hunt to gather. 

10. What kind of utensil would you be?  Why?
A pizza roller slicer...childhood nostalgia. 

11. What's the coolest thing you've gotten to do as a result of being on the show?  Who is the coolest person you've met?
Was cool hanging out with some of the SNL crew in Puerto Rico. Funniest folks I've ever met. Extremely quick wit.

12. Who's more likely to put her finger in your butt during oral sex?  A southern belle or a Northeastern woman?  (PS. sorry for this question mom, my pervert friend Ryan came up with it.  Love you and thanks for bringing me into the world and for not kicking me off your Verizon plan.) 
Aggressive NE, right?  Why any woman would aspire to touch a dude's butt is beyond me. BTW - a good Coldplay coverband would be Buttplay.  

13. What actor do you think would play you in a Lifetime movie?
Vern Troyer. 

14. If you could compare yourself to an animal what would it be?
A three-toed sloth. 

15. What is your favorite word?  
Currently it's peripatetic... look it up.

16. If heaven exists, what do you think God would say to you when you reach the pearly gates? (Thanks, James Lipton)
"Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

And, there you have it.  Watch Southern Charm tonight on Bravo. I'm not sure what time it's on yet (what do I look like? TV Guide?) but look it up when you look up the meaning of "peripatetic".  

Just look at this beautiful cast.  

HAPPY MONDAY, friendos!