hey, it's okay to not act your age
all the time sometimes.
Is this my life?
Are people still allowed to have fuckboys in their 30s?
Did I RSVP to that engagement party yet?
Do I have to call my mom and ask her to front me a couple hundo so I can pay my goddamn rent on time?
WHY am I not where I'm supposed to be in life, job-wise and love-life-wise?
What is WRONG WITH ME?
Here's my advice to anyone who is like me and feels like they're lagging behind in this weird, tripped out race they call life.
1. It's your life.
You have the power to decide if you're behind in it or not. Your overbearing family, inquisitive, judgy married/coupled up friends do not. I'm lucky that the majority of my attached friends don't make me feel like a leper for being one of the last single ones standing. No one tries to shove their ideals down my throat or pawn me off on their one single friend named "Glenn with 2 'n's" who works at a science lab with beakers and test tubes and if they did, I would probably rethink the friendship. Bottom line: if anyone makes you feel somehow inadequate for not being "up to par" with their life standards then they're probably miserable turds with underlying issues and are trying to make themselves feel better by acting like they're the fucking Dalai Lama.
2. The majority of what you see out there is fluff. That's right, fluff.
Everyone is struggling in one way or another and in an era dominated by social media it's hard to remember that. The CFO at my old company had a mean case of IBS - I know this because I saw him book it to the bathroom nearly thrice a day as he cupped his ass in hysterics. Meanwhile, on his desk sits a photo of his perfect family "summering" somewhere, he probably takes home 2M a year and can order Chinese food as much as he wants. My point is, everyone I know has their own version of IBS: meaning everyone gets panicked and everyone has to deal with a lot of shit unexpectedly. Puns very much intended.
3. You don't like something about your life? Change it.
This goes hand in hand with number 1. Recently I came to the realization that I need to
4. You're just as legit as Winston Churchill.
I was on the phone with my big brother yesterday. I was nervous about talking to a superior at work. He told me, "Get outside your head, stand up straight, be direct and confident. People play off you. Even if you don't feel super together, fake it until you make it." Truth is, we were all born into this world naked, crying little brats covered in snot and rancid afterbirth or whatever. The fact that Silly Sally Sitting Sideways on the Seesaw has 2 kids, a white picket fence and a hung husband doesn't make her anymore legit than you. We're all human. Period.
5. People are too busy worrying about themselves to think about you and your life.
I started this exercise where whenever I find myself worrying about what someone else thinks of me I will snap myself out of it by exclaiming out loud "STOP!" I did it in Walgreens yesterday and people stared. I then wondered what they thought of me and had to tell myself to stop out loud again and oops made it worse. That little voice in our heads that torments us can get real fat if we feed it. So don't. People are so wrapped up in their own shit that they don't care about yours. And if they do really care then that makes them fucking pyscho and you should probably look into getting a restraining order.
6. Don't settle.
Every time someone tells me to stop being picky I want to tell them to eat a dick...a whole bag of 'em. I refuse to not be picky. Seriously I'd rather spend the rest of my life childless, solo, knee-deep in ramen and nutella than settle down with some unemployed choad named Herbert who I met on FarmersOnly.com who treats me like shit and can't get it up because he's too wasted off of moonshine every night. I've heard tons of stories of people who've settled and those stories don't end well, folks.
Happy weekend, friends!