My last post featured life things that make me happy. Now I'm going to feature life things that make me unhappy. Before you tell me I need to quit being an ungrateful little shit and just get laid already, I implore you to cut me a break: I just found a weird hair in my
ramen salad and have an adult earache (aren't toddlers the only people who get earaches?). Ergo, I am not in the breast mood. Here I go with the top chafes in my life at the moment:
1. Excessive political rants on facebook.
I get it; our country is going through some shit. Sharing an occasional thought here and there on the election is fine but I don't spend 85% of my life on social media to see my lab partner from Miss Bonfantay's second grade biology lab express his disdain for Donald Trump via perpetual status updates every 69 seconds. Wanna share a funny anecdote? A cute picture of your chubby baby with endearing fat rolls? By all means - share away. Social media is for lightheartedness, IMO. No one cares if you think Hillary shouldn't be rolling down the Fiscal Cliff with Ross Perot or whatever it is your political rants include. We really, really don't.
The other day I was so tired from working so much that I accidentally calendared a call to speak with myself AND OH MY GOD, MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT, I NEED TO JUST FIND A RICH HUSBAND TO TAKE CARE OF ME.
3. Couples, couples everywhere!
This couple pictured is actually the cutest, but these days it seems everywhere I turn people are necking and dry-humping and canoodling and whispering sweet nothings to each other. Meanwhile a homeless man dressed like a bear just asked me if I'd like to "get involved." I even had to unfollow JoJo the Bachelorette on SnapChat because she and her new boyfriend prompted me to buy Pepto Bismol in an effort to combat the nausea I picked up on account of witnessing their giggly, couple-y snaps every 5 minutes AND SHIT MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT ABOUT WHAT I MENTIONED IN THE INTRO TO THIS POST. Sorry for yelling.
4. Dating apps.
I am giving them an honest try but the banter that transpires once I connect with someone makes my face contort into the face I'd make if I ate 10 warheads, funky tasting spunk and a lemon all at once. Cringe worthy I tell you. And yes I just referenced Samantha Jones.
Also, here's a text my mom sent when I was home recently. It's relevant to this segment.
5. Bad timing.
This happened to me last week. Timing's a bitch, but she's a bitch that can sometimes give me funny toe pick material.
6. Random numbers calling my phone.
To be fair, I'm notoriously bad at saving numbers (all the important ones
I take UberPool to and from work, and for the most part, I love it. Lately though, it's been chafing me. I can never see which side my fellow pool passenger is sitting on on account of the tinted windows so there have been a few times I've almost crawled into someone's lap accidentally. I may be desperate for a human's touch but I'm not that desperate. Also, when did Uber decide to turn into a school bus? 8 times out of 10 I'm riding with TWO or THREE passengers, and then I'm late.
8. Chicken and eggs in the same meal
Not to get too George Costanza on this, but a mother and her desecrated unborn child should not be eaten at the same time, out of respect. #BoycottCobbSaladz
|I just learned how to make memes! still got some work to do, obvi.|
Okay, I will stop with the negativity and leave you with 3 things that make me happy:
...or whatever the shit you call the flowers that grow on houses. I'm obsessed.
2. This dog in my hood channeling his inner Richard Simmons
3. Finally, at the end of a bad day, I'm reminded that nothing's so bad it can't be fixed by a pink starburst.