Thursday, September 29, 2016

Why I Refuse to Settle; and Why You Should too

6 years ago I got adult acne a temp-to-hire job as a Tenant Coordinator at 650 California street in SF where I was responsible for shit like paging building engineers on their Walkie Talkies in an effort to alert them of a ruptured urinal in the Men's bathroom of some random finance company like Credit Suisse or Dow Jone Ventures or whatever.  I figured the multitude of menial tasks I was responsible for were worth taking on if it meant that in exchange I got to be a functioning member of society who could barely pay her rent and be a part of this spectacularly weird town they call San Francisco.

It was a trade-off really: ping Reginald the engineer and make him aware of the onslaught of engorged cock roaches pervading the ladies bathroom on the 16th floor and in return be afforded the opportunity to indulge in a boozy brunch at Perry's with my delinquent friends on Sundays.

I was settling.  Settling for a job I knew I wasn't meant for - one that was purely a means to an end.  It was a place where I spent the majority of my time, and yet I'd walk in every morning knowing full well I'd spend the subsequent 8 hours as the human equivalent of a limp dick.  I'll admit it: I've settled a lot in the past: I've settled for crumbs I've gotten from guys I know I have no future with because it's easy and because I'm a girl in heat and I need attention.  I've settled for jobs I've been overqualified for because they've been safe. I've come to realize that settling is a surefire way to ensure that my life will be saturated with ramen and fuckboys unfulfillment.

Moreover, the older I get the more I realize how much I need to freeze my eggs and get botox in my forehead deserve in this life; not because I'm special or anything like that, but because I'm a human being and we, as humans deserve to be happy.  Every day I try and remind myself that life is shorter than Wee Man.  Time is fleeting. That's right - there simply enough time to settle anymore and OH MY GOD I SOUND LIKE TONY ROBBINS.
Recently I came across an article about a techie who'd sold his app for $54 million.  He and his wife decided to ditch conventionalism, pack up their family and devote their time to traveling and crossing things off their bucket list via their newly acquired dough.  They opted not to settle for a life of mediocrity and instead chose to live well.  Granted, the money helped with this - but the reason the techie had the money was because he didn't settle for a Tenant Coordinator job.

I got to thinking about my own bucket list, and what my life would look like if I never, ever settled again, which is henceforward my ultimate goal. Below is a list I compiled of life things that one should never, ever settle for:

Don't settle for a shitty job.
Sweet Mother of Christ if there's anything in life I regret it's the fact that I've drunk-texted exes on the reg settled for gigs that've taken up time in my life I can never get back.  Refilling tampon baskets, discussing overflowing men's urinals with building engineers, selling moldy hotdog buns, you name a shit job, I've had it.  I'm not a stupid person, but I've made stupid choices professionally.   Devoting a huge chunk of your life to a job you're not happy with is a travesty EVEN THOUGH ALL OF MINE HAVE GIVEN ME SUPERB TOE PICK MATERIAL.  Sorry for yelling.

Don't settle for something that's broken but can be easily fixed 
The letter "j" doesn't work on my keyboard, so I have to cut and paste it from other articles every fucking time I need to use it.  As of now, I've settled for my bunk keyboard and consequently my life is unnecessarily more difficult.  I type a lot - there's no reason I shouldn't have a pristine, full-functioning keyboard, goddammit. I'm a wildly fairly disorganized person and I've settled for the idea that this is simply how I'm wired.  But being organized is a learned skill and I'm a slow fast learner.  I can make my life easier by refusing not to settle for disarray or a broken keyboard any longer.  Feel like you're an irritable, moody person?  Figure out why that is and work on improving your temperament.  This type of shit is fixable.

Don't settle for banality
I've always wanted to build an animal sanctuary somewhere in middle America (and now I have that Counting Crows song in my head).  I'd live like Dr. Doolittle and in the morning when I woke up I'd emerge from my tree house and exclaim "Come to me Jungle Friends" as I'm greeted by a barrage of the animals inhabiting my sanctuary and holy shit this looks so weird on paper DONT UDGE ME AND MY DREAMS (please notice what letter is missing in this statement - it's a product of me settling).  Okay, having a zoo on my property one day might be a stretch, but my point is: there's no reason that your (or my) life shouldn't be just as exciting as Beyonce's and OH MY GOD I'M MORPHING INTO TONY ROBBINS BY THE SECOND.

Don't settle in love
Um, yeah, this is the most important point I want to make here.  I would never settle for someone who doesn't understand and accept me or what I've asserted in bullet points 1, 2, and 3 (or in this entire blog).  I once dated a guy who was uncircumcised didn't read Toe Pick because he thought it was silly and weird and crazy.  Looking back I wish I'd said "fuck you, eat a dick" to him and slammed the door of his room in his parents basement in his face. Why? because it's all a representation of me.  I was settling for someone who essentially didn't like who I was - good god, that's sad.  Also, settling for someone because you feel like you need to settle is a stupid idea.  I'll get artificially inseminated and be single forever before I settle for some horny dicktard Tinder match with 4 teeth named Juanito just because I've succumbed to the ever-present societal pressure to be married by X age.  Also, how does one have sex with someone that they've settled for? Sounds like sheer torture to me.

Don't settle for what others think
The other day I got upset because someone I don't know told my sister she thought I was "out there." I settled for her opinion and let it affect me. The only person whose opinion of me that matters is my own.  Not the opinion of Debra from my sister's PTA meeting, not the dipshit dickwad from Bumble and not the Asian man from the corner store who scowls every time I come in and purchase ZzzQuil and a crunch bar.  My point: letting someone's perception of you affect you is a form of settling.  Don't settle for anyone or anything that makes you feel inferior or badly about yourself.  And, that's it - I am Tony Robbins.

And in conclusion may I please remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty.
(Sorry, I couldn't think of a way to wrap this up.)

Please always remember:
We aren't fucking pilgrims;
We don't settle.