Monday, December 19, 2016

16 Life Things I Learned in 2016

2016 has been a shit year for most, but for me it has been fine.  My best friend took me on a tour of all the landmarks from the OJ Simpson case (no shit, it was a spectacular day), I decided to freeze my leftovers eggs, auditioned for two reality TV shows (a wildly entertaining process), learned how to singe curl my hair, quit my miserable job and found a lovely new one, and reconnected with ex-boyfriends via incessant drunk text old friends. With every passing year I find myself growing more desperate to get married learning various life things.  Please allow me to share what I've learned this year:

1. Your most important relationship is the one you have with your vibrator self.

single and losing my shit loving it!

2. If you love someone who doesn't love you back it's important to set their house on fire them free.

3. Social media is extremely surface-level (duh).  I visited my BFF the other weekend and we drank talked extensively about how facebook and instagram allows us all to put up such a facade in spite of any tribulations we may be grappling with.  It is so important to recognize and remember that real life is so much more than a filtered picture or a braggy status update. So many of us are struggling with something: whether it be the death of a loved one, finances, a severe UTI from banging some dingus we met on Tinder, lost love, addiction or illness.  Most things on social media aren't what they seem - I remind myself of that every time I find myself comparing my life to Silly Sally Sitting Sideways on the Sidewalk with her hot husband and Hermes scarf.

4. People for the most part don't change their underwear as much as we desperately try and convince ourselves that they do.

5.  Keep the people you love close to you at all times, as you never know when you'll need to borrow money or that really cool sweater from them.

6. The secret to happiness lies within a bag of double stuft oreos and a Lexapro prescription  yourself.

7. Always follow your ex on all forms of social media so you can keep tabs on their every move instincts, they're almost always accurate.

8. It is important to designate alone time with your vibrator self and your thoughts.

9. Your thoughts have the power to create massive anxiety and unrealistic expectations  reality and happiness.

10. Always nourish and maintain the relationship you have with the lady at Bank of America who waives your overdraft fees  your family.

This is Diane.
 Diane is nice.
Diane sometimes waives my overdraft fees.
I like Diane.

Let's be more like Diane.
11.  Not everyone is going to like you, and that's not okay.  Accept that, be a dick back gracious and tell them to go fuck themselves move on.

12.  Smoking pole cigarettes can make a hangover exponentially worse.

13.  Letting go of your ex's leg as he's running away from you the past is vital to one's sanity.

14.  No one thinks about Dateline and Haribo gummi bears you as much as you think they do.

15.  Don't blow your ex-boyfriend in hopes of getting him back  paycheck within 4 days of receiving it.

16.  Smile!  It's really rude, especially when someone is telling you about their life dilemmas contagious!

Perhaps the most important thing I've learned in 2016 is the importance of withholding judgment with regard to other people.  We never truly know what battles people are fighting, and thus it's important to be nice and compassionate as often as possible.  And let's face it, WHO AM I TO JUDGE!?  Don't answer that.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, I wish you the breast in the new year.


Friday, December 9, 2016

When I Think About you I Touch My Elf

Menopause Christmas is fast-approaching and more importantly so is my birthday.  I was born on December 23rd and delivered home on Christmas morning which might explain why I'm so Christ-like.  I was a definite accident, as evidenced by my parents' inability to properly plan for a non-Christmas-time birth.  But that's neither here nor there.

I've come up with a wish-list of things I want (both tangible and non) for Birthmas. Here goes:

1. Frozen eggs 
I'm not really a spring chicken anymore as evidenced by my inability to recover from hangovers in 24 hours and the 3 grey hairs I found last Tuesday as I attempted to use my Head & Shoulders curling wand properly.  I feel like girls my age are like figurative (beautiful, amazing, glorious) gumball machines - popping out babies on the reg and while I do try and bask in their merriment I can't help but worry that as I get old AF, so are my eggs (EW).  So the the other day when my boss informed me that my insurance covers egg freezing, I promptly felt desperate did my research and asked "where do I sign up?!"  Feeling really anxious about this overshare proud to announce that's what I'll be getting myself for Birthmas, if for nothing else than to alleviate the mounting anxiety I face every time I log in to Facebook only to be bombarded by an onslaught of baby pics.  Also, it's almost like I'm giving a gift to the world as I will be ensuring that I'll have the opportunity to reproduce one day and WHO DOESN'T WANT A BUNCH OF MINI-ME'S RUNNING RAMPANT!?  Don't answer that. 

2. An Egg Making Machine
I promise you this whole list won't involve some variation of eggs.  I recently discovered the hard boiled egg maker at my office and I'm baffled transfixed by it.  Simply take an egg, prick it on the pricker provided by aforementioned machine, put it in the egg holder-socket-thingy for eleventeen minutes and VOILA! you've got an afternoon snack to get you through your work day AND OH MY FUCKING CHRIST AM I REALLY TALKING ABOUT A HARD-BOILED EGG MACHINE LIKE A REAL LIVE ADULT-HUMAN?  Whatever - it's a chicken's nightmare, but my favorite new discovery and an egg-cellent stocking stuffer and you see what I did there.

3. A trip to LA to see my Godson and bestie 
I'm beginning to realize that adult acne is a very real thing plane tickets to see friends and family are the most important investment one can make.  Who really gives a flying fuck about a nice pair of shoes or a designer coat when you could buy a ticket to see your #1s?  Last month I went east to see my college pals and I'm heading to LA this weekend to see more of my people and I'm more excited than Pee Wee Herman in an adult movie theater even though LA scares me and I can't explain why.

4. The ability to not flake
I'm a notorious flake and I'm realizing more and more how unattractive, rude and deplorable that is.  I work in a business where people are about as reliable as Wal-pons (Walgreen's brand tampons) and it's forcing me to understand how fucked it is to bail on a plan last minute or worse - to simply ghost. I've always adhered to the whole "I don't have to do anything I don't want to do" adage and now I'm realizing that actually, "YES, you have to go buy tiddly winx and pantyhose with your dog walker because you fucking told her you would AND IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU".  

5. The ability to properly comprehend traffic signals.
I would like, for once, to be able to lead the pack of pedestrians across the street as opposed to sheepishly lurking behind them and monitoring their every move to see when I can walk AND SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK DO THESE CONFLICTING SIGNALS MEAN!?   

6. A portable phone charger.
If my chord gets stuck in my chair wheel one more time...

Alright, that's all I got.  Have a great weekend!  Get dim sum!