Tuesday, January 17, 2017

A Fuck: To Give Or Not to Give

I’ve spent a lot of my life giving fucks about things I shouldn’t.  When it comes to being neurotic, I'm right up there with George Costanza.  I am self-aware enough to make that statement regretfully confidently. 

ah, to be a care-free kid covered in pig shit again...

As I get older, though, it becomes abundantly clear to me a lot of my neuroses have been about as unproductive and chafe-inducing as an Over The Pants Handjob.  So, I took some time to compile a list of things I think are worth Bob doling out a couple of fucks for. On the flip, I've included some things/people that I've deemed unworthy of any of my precious, sugar-coated fucks.  

Let's get sharted, people:

Parents/Guardians/whoever raised you and dealt with your shit, literally and figuratively 
Our creators are at the top of my list of things to give a fuck about it: the ones who raised us, changed our diapers, accompanied us to get our wisdom teeth yanked, bailed us out of jail during college for drinking underage and proceeding to act like Ace Ventura upon arrest..is that only me?? Shit. Our parents are responsible for our deep rooted issues stemming from early childhood lives.  We all wouldn't be here if our mom didn't forget to take her birth control and/or didn't have an ineffective diaphragm.  Only me again?  Shit.  My point is: it is of the utmost importance to give a fuck about respecting, appreciating and loving your mom+dad/mom+mom/dad+dad/weird aunt Judy and Crazy Uncle Phil/Grandma...whoever was responsible bringing your annoying, snot-nosed, punk-ass up. 

me and my parentals

Caring about what others think
The moment I click share on a toe pick post, I feel a pang of "Jesus Christ Lord Almighty God Help Me, WHAT am I thinking, WHY AM I SHARING THIS?" in my gut.  Then, I pace uncontrollably until someone force feeds me a Xanax breathe, then I give myself a pep talk: if some dickhead random feels like judging me, they can go fuck themselves go right ahead, that's not my business - of course, this mentality has been hard for me to adopt, but I always end up choosing it, which is why I'm able to continue sharing my writing.  I know this a reoccurring sentiment on Toe Pick, but I'll reiterate it: mulling over what people think of you is about as productive, tedious and ineffective as trying to play pick-up stix with your butt cheeks. NO ONE IS THINKING ABOUT YOU AS MUCH AS YOU THINK THEY ARE (I repeat this to myself like 19 times a day).  Seriously, your coworker Debra in HR likely has a ruptured hemorrhoid from too much anal with her douche boyfriend, Raul who she met on FarmersOnly.com, and that's why she looks at you like you just stole her Lean Cuisine from the communal office fridge: IT AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

You have to give a fuck about them and pay them or whatever EVEN THOUGH NO ONE EVER TAUGHT YOU ABOUT THEM IN SCHOOL AND THEY'RE SO FUCKING COMPLICATED AND SUCK BALLS.  I learned about them from the IT guy named Darryl at my first job as a temp receptionist at a car dealership and I felt so confused and lost and scared.

an ex 
Let's say you drop your ice cream cone into a pile of manure...you wouldn't pick it up and keep eating it, would you?  That's essentially what you're doing when you give a fuck about an ex. Let him/her/shim go.


Your chompers 
Teeth are monumentally important.  Crooked teeth can be sexy, but yellow teeth have the power to make people never want to eat corn again.  There's so much to laugh (aka: expose our teeth) about in this ridiculous world we live in: Donald Trump's affinity for golden shower orgies, Carrie Fisher's Prozac-shaped urn (RIP, CF...respect.), the Kardtrashians, that guy you passed on the street who tripped and tried to pass it off as a jog...my point: your teeth are visible a lot, make sure they're clean or not urine colored (thanks for the inspo, Trump-a-lump).  And if they are? Bleach that shit, Crest Whitestrips are like 39.99 at walgreens and if you have a Walgreens card, it's even cheaper NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW OR ANYTHING.


I am a HUGE animal lover...I can confidently say I'm more fond of dogs than I am of most humans.  I will admit I'm not particularly fond of cats but I'll pet them and say "hereee kitty kitty" if i'm around one BECAUSE THEY'RE LIVING THINGS AND THEY DIDN'T CHOOSE TO BE CATS. One time I dated a guy whose roommate had a cat.  We were watching tv and the cat sauntered over and the guy kicked it away.  I got out of there faster than Kanye gets off when jerking off to a picture of Kanye.  When it comes to animals: give a fuck.  It's a dealbreaker to not. And FYI - if you dislike animals, get your head checked: that is some Jeffrey Dahmer shit. 

Saying no
Turning down invitations is no big deal...and is not something to stress over.  You're an adult and if you'd rather stay home, heat up a frozen waffle, douse it in Nutella and whip cream and shove it in your face faster than R. Kelley orgasms at a urinal while you do the macarena in your underwear instead of attending the Bris of your second cousin's dogwalker's baby, YOU CAN!  That's the best part of being a grown-up, you can do whatever the F you want.  Just don't say yes to an invite and then bail last minute - flaking is as cool as a pap smear. 

And, that's all I have for now.  Right now I need to give a fuck about picking up some DayQuil as I've gotten that cold that has been going around, whatever that even means. 

Happy Tuesday, my fellow fuck givers! 

xo -


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