Monday, May 8, 2017

Hey, it's Okay...

Heyo!  Happy Monday :(

I spent the weekend riddled with anxiety in Mill Valley with my friend who recently moved there with her boyf.  We spent Sunday meandering through the town, popping in and out of boutiques and perusing overpriced tunics as moms with Bugaboo strollers sauntered by.  Even amongst the tranquility of this dreamland, I felt panicked.  This pristine, manicured town practically sparkled in the urethral ethereal sunlight.  It seemed as though all of its inhabitants were blissfully happy; their only care in the world was centered around whether they would have the kale smoothie or the one with chia seeds for lunch. It all made me feel dizzy with envy.

"You okay?" my friend asked me as I found myself lost in thought.  "Yeah," I retorted.  "This town gives me same kind of anxiety that instagram does: you know, everything looks perfect, everyone seems to have the perfect life, blah blah".

Then, I literally told myself to freeze my eggs and find a rich husband ASAP stop it. Like, out loud. I felt slightly schizo doing that in front of the people at the nail place, but what-the-fuck-ever.  I needed to snap out of it - I needed to pull myself out of the "woe is me for not having a family, a rock the size of Jersey on my left ring finger, and a successful banker husband with the perfect dick hair" hole that I'd allowed my thoughts to kick me into.

Because, the truth is - it's all not okay.  Literally.  I was a pretty lucky sperm born into a pretty okay life. Sure, I'm not where most people at my age are in life - I still have roommates, I still throw my laundry in a trash bag and haul it to my married friend's house to use their washer/dryer because my building doesn't have them... and that's mortifying okay.  I still have a meddling phenomenal family, very forgiving, accepting friends and a vibrator job that I really, really like.  Mulling over all of the things I don't have is about as productive as trying to grow a tail. This brings me to a segment I stole from Glamour mag called "Hey, it's okay..." Surprisingly, this article resonated with me more than the article entitled "12 Ways to Please Your Man with a Surprise Handjob" on page 17.

Let's get sharted:

Hey, it's okay...

...that your friends are nursing babies while you're nursing a hangover pretend to be on your phone to avoid small-talk with your doorman as you pass him in the lobby.

walking out of my lobby unscathed.  thanks, fake phone call!
...that you're trying to figure out how to score Molly while your friend Rhonda is trying to figure out if she should name her newborn daughter Molly feel like Pandora is more in touch with your life than you are not fully know what the word "legislation" means 100% zone out the very second a friend says "I had the craziest dream last night..." still want your mommy when you're sick wince when someone calls you a "woman" - you're still a girl, dammit!  A 34-year-old girl on birth control with a checkbook, heels and a 401K plan

....that most of your friends are pushing strollers while you're pushing the "place order" button on your GrubHub app.  Bring on the pizza and wangs! just smile, nod and say "totallyyyy, that's amazing" when you can't understand what the fuck someone is saying (or when you're zoned out) floss with your hair occasionally when no one is looking AND IS THIS ONE JUST ME? Shit. have no idea how taxes work.  Isn't a W-2 a gate at the airport? cringe every time a bumble match uses the acronym "LMAO"

...that you won't meet your friend's single cousin with the barb wire arm tat and flavor savor, even though "he's a great guy, promise!!!" because standards. not understand what how the stock market works and to think that Dow Jones is some dickwad who summers in Nantucket and makes this known every chance he gets. get more sad when a dog dies in a movie than when a human does secretly enjoy losing your voice because you think it makes you sound sexier slip your headphones on to signal to your uber driver that you're not available to hear his long-winded stories about his side job at IKEA and his garage band not understand how and why black chokers from the early 2000's came back with such a vengeance ask for crayons at a restaurant and proceed to play an intense game of MASH with your girlfriend

...if you'd rather gouge your eyes out than give a blowjob.  Shoving a snake-like appendage in your pie-hole for a few minutes!? know very little about politics - isn't the Fiscal Cliff some kind of energy bar? be more knowledgeable about the OJ case than Trump's new healthcare plan ACTUALLY THAT'S NOT OKAY AND I'M SORRY FOR ANYONE I'VE OFFENDED BY SAYING THAT PLEASE DON'T CRUCIFY ME AND OH MY GOD I'M PROJECTING AGAIN.  Sorry for yelling.

...if your idea of marinading food is dousing it in ketchup and shoving it in your mouth faster than Mike Tyson runs to a speech pathologist be secretly ecstatic that your ex-boyfriend and his beautiful new girlfriend  Brad and Angelica broke up, now's your chance - right!? go to sleep knowing that you're going to wake up the next morning cold, alone and unfulfilled, as corny as it may sound, everything in life is...

just as it should be.

Have a lovely day, friendos!



  1. Love spell to get lost love back back/stop divorce/save broken marriage is the best on urgent love spell casting with 100% result guarantee
    Am Sai Vidhya from CA Usa my boyfriend cheated on me and asked for breakup. I don't believe at first i try to get back with him but all he told me was he’s with someone else. that he is no longer interested in marrying me at that point i was heart broken coz i love my boyfriend so much that i could not let go off him all of a sudden he left me, i really love him and never can imagine my life without him. not until i came across a powerful real spell caster Dr happy who promise me 48hours urgent love spell to get back with my boyfriend, good forty-eight {48} hours. hmm-mm, it was a good night time at 10:05pm within the days that Dr happy told me that my boyfriend will be back, at first i heard the bell rings getting close to my door i heard someone saying honey!!!, it sound familiar i opened the door and i saw my boyfriend standing and weeping in front of me. i was not surprised because its all i have been praying for him to come back home. Guess what in six days after i noticed my system and my body temperature is changed and i went to clinic for check up and the doctor told me that there is life in me which means i am pregnant i really wants to use this opportunity to thanks Dr happy so much and my lovely collage who directed me to Dr happy if you have any problem or predicament that is worse or exactly like this you have been into, i plead you to contact Dr happy on you can also view on his blogs site... whatsapp/call...+2348133873774

  2. REAL SPELL CASTER (Dr. IyaryI) THAT CAN HELP YOU GET YOUR LOVER BACK add him up on whatsApp @ +2349057915709.

    Hi everyone, I was going crazy when my husband breakup with me and left me for another woman!! All thanks to Dr. IyaryI the best love spell caster online that helped me to bring back my husband today and restore happiness in my marriage.. I'm from TX USA. My husband breakup with me and left me to be with another woman, and i wanted him back. I was so frustrated and i could not know what next to do again, I love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with another woman and this makes him break up with me so that he can be able to get married to the other lady and this lady i think use witchcraft on my husband to make him hate me and my kids and this was so critical and uncalled-for, I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to get back my husband!! I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr. IyaryI can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much, Oh My God! i was so happy, and today i am happy with my man again and we are joyfully living together as one big family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr. IyaryI, he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr. IyaryI is best spell caster online who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and your lover is turning you down, or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster Dr. IyaryI on his email at: And also Reach him on WhatsApp Number: +2349057915709 Thanks Dr. IyaryI