I spent the weekend
"You okay?" my friend asked me as I found myself lost in thought. "Yeah," I retorted. "This town gives me same kind of anxiety that instagram does: you know, everything looks perfect, everyone seems to have the perfect life, blah blah".
|MILL VALLEY, CALIFORNIA: THE TOWN WHERE NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS...UNTIL IT DOES|
(GOOD GOD, I'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MANY DATELINE EPISODES)
Because, the truth is - it's all
Let's get sharted:
Hey, it's okay...
...that your friends are nursing babies while you're nursing a hangover
...to pretend to be on your phone to avoid small-talk with your doorman as you pass him in the lobby.
|walking out of my lobby unscathed. thanks, fake phone call!|
...to feel like Pandora is more in touch with your life than you are
...to not fully know what the word "legislation" means
...to 100% zone out the very second a friend says "I had the craziest dream last night..."
...to still want your mommy when you're sick
...to wince when someone calls you a "woman" - you're still a girl, dammit! A 34-year-old girl on birth control with a checkbook, heels and a 401K plan
....that most of your friends are pushing strollers while you're pushing the "place order" button on your GrubHub app. Bring on the pizza and wangs!
...to just smile, nod and say "totallyyyy, that's amazing" when you can't understand what the fuck someone is saying (or when you're zoned out)
...to floss with your hair occasionally when no one is looking AND IS THIS ONE JUST ME? Shit.
...to have no idea how taxes work. Isn't a W-2 a gate at the airport?
...to cringe every time a bumble match uses the acronym "LMAO"
...to not understand what how the stock market works and to think that Dow Jones is some dickwad who summers in Nantucket and makes this known every chance he gets.
...to get more sad when a dog dies in a movie than when a human does
...to secretly enjoy losing your voice because
...to slip your headphones on to signal to your uber driver that you're not available to hear his long-winded stories about his side job at IKEA and his garage band
...to not understand how and why black chokers from the early 2000's came back with such a vengeance
...to ask for crayons at a restaurant and proceed to play an intense game of MASH with your girlfriend
...if you'd rather gouge your eyes out than give a blowjob. Shoving a snake-like appendage in your pie-hole for a few minutes!? vom.com
...to know very little about politics - isn't the Fiscal Cliff some kind of energy bar?
...to be more knowledgeable about the OJ case than Trump's new healthcare plan ACTUALLY THAT'S NOT OKAY AND I'M SORRY FOR ANYONE I'VE OFFENDED BY SAYING THAT PLEASE DON'T CRUCIFY ME AND OH MY GOD I'M PROJECTING AGAIN. Sorry for yelling.
...to be secretly ecstatic that
...to go to sleep knowing that
just as it should be.
Have a lovely day, friendos!