Thursday, September 21, 2017

10 Photos that Prove Instagram is a Lie

Bueller?  Bueller?  ANYONE?

It has been months since I've gotten laid written a piece for toe pick (dontcha just love when bloggers call posts "pieces" HAHAHA).  I've been pretty busy watching OJ Simpson documentaries and sabotaging potential relationships over the last few months and although I haven't managed to squeeze in any dick writing I have managed to keep people abreast of my life via instagram at the expense of several hundred followers.

Recently I read an article in Forbes proclaiming that instagram is the social media app most likely to cause anxiety.  Oftentimes it can cause feelings inadequacy because people showcase their lives in an unrealistic light.  I wrote a post a couple years back exploring ways in which I've made my life seem far more idyllic than it is via instagram (c'mon, you've done it too).  Today I'd like to feature the sequel to said post by sharing some more photos wherein (good God, I've been waiting forever to use that word in a sentence) life appears to be rainbows and cool ranch doritos and sparkly butterflies.  Let's get sharted!

The "I live in a cool city" shot
You think: she lives in a beautiful city with colorful architecture and restaurants that serve things like kale popsicles dipped in African albino chia seeds.

Reality: There is human excrement to my left, I think I have a cavity and there's a screaming toddler behind me who might've just ruptured my eardrum.  This beautiful city is responsible for my insignificant funds, yet to be detected liver damage and perpetual fear of seeing pigeons peck at vomit and/or crackheads jerking off every time I deign to walk down Market street.

the "Single and Loving it!" post 
You think: She's single and on dating apps and has a sense of humor about it.

Reality: I just matched with a guy who had his tongue sliced in the middle to make himself look like a lizard, every single one of my friends seems to be getting impregnated at exactly the same time and I haven't had a relationshit since the Dukakis administration for a myriad of reasons and fucking A, I would've been Sigmund Freud's wet dream.


The Puppy Shot
You think: omg this puppy is so cute and this girl looks happy to be holding him!  Her workplace seems lively and fun!

Reality:  The puppy's red rocket is grazing my new blazer and I just walked in on the lady down the hall (who I pass everyday without fail) going to the bathroom.  I was so stunned that I didn't immediately close the stall door and she had to yell "CLOSE THE DOOR!"  I'm terrified at the awkwardness that will ensue every fucking day in the upcoming months AND YES, I LIKED MY OWN PHOTO.

The Baby Shot
You think: Aw!  Cute baby.

Reality: The baby is definitely cute.  And definitely is in the process of sharting.  Pretty sure 9 of my eggs died this day. RIP.

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The Vacation Shot
You think: Fun vacation shot!  I bet there are cute guys wearing Nantucket Reds and navy blazers everywhere.

Reality:  I've been chilling with my beloved childhood friends listening to them commiserate about their leaky post-pregnancy purple nipples and all the guys with Nantucket reds and navy blazers are either married, gay or 13.  Vacation ain't that fun when I'm dealing with family drama and hair that turns into a giant chia bush every time I step outside.  Also, I've been essentially freebasing clam chowder for 2 weeks which has gone straight to my face.

The "who is that cute guy!?" shot 
You think: Oh wow, she's finally found happiness.  

Reality: That's my brother.

The Family Shot
You think: her nieces look sweet and well-mannered.  They are respectful of her boundaries especially when talking to her about her love-life. 

Reality: one of these little pipsqueaks asked me if I "maybe like girls instead of boys?" 2 seconds before this photo was snapped.  Also, I had such a terrible hangnail that weekend that I wanted to have my finger amputated. 

And, that's all I have for now.  Moral of this story: every time you find yourself feeling less than as you scroll through instagram try to remember: it's all surface level BS, for the most part. 

Hope everyone is well and holding up okay in this shitshow of a world we live in!  Have an awkward day!