Wednesday, February 14, 2018

My Interview with the Star of Relationshep

Is this thing on? Happy Valentine's Day!  Hope everyone has plans with a special someone tonight. I plan on curling up in the fetal position and watching a Jeffrey Dahmer documentary while stuffing my face with brownie mix and trying to figure out how many of my eggs have died since last Valentine's Day.  Love is love is love.

I haven't flossed written in awhile.  I've been busy sabotaging potential relationships working, life-ing and watching Relationshep on Bravo (which just ended 3 weeks ago - I've never been known for my punctuality, sorry).  Seen it?  It's like a more entertaining version of the Bachelor.  I've been meaning to marry interview Shep for awhile, as he's really funny and has some shepic one-liners, and I can relate to him on a lot of levels.  I'm not even being sarcastic when I say that.  Navigating through life in your mid-30's as a Bachelor/ette ain't no picnic when people are constantly asking... "what's the deal?  When are you going to get some dignity married!?" Anyway, I threw some random questions at him and here's what I got.


1. What do you think about when you're alone in your car? 
Driving is very important to me. One of the big reasons I could never live in NYC. I sort things out. Remember things i forgot. It’s cathartic, I think.

2. How would you sell hot cocoa in Florida? 
I’ve recently scolded myself (hot reference!) or is it scalded? We may never know. Ordered hot coffee when iced is totally available. I need to be more cognizant of iced drinks that are traditionally hot. I mean chocolate milk is the tits.

3. What's the weirdest thing a guest has done in your house?
 Invited guest? Because that’s important. Too many weird stories to recount.

4. If you could steal credit for any great piece of art, song, film or book which one would you claim? 
Any John Irving book. Or Pink Floyd album. Stanley Kubrick also comes to mind. There’s a documentary about a screenwriter named John Milius and he seemed kind of larger than life and outrageous and cool.

5. You're on death row.  What's your last meal? 
Velveeta shells and cheese.
(mine would be Benihana, but not sure if they can set up one of those cooking tables in jail?)

6. Everyone has a good app idea.  What's yours? 
Text message consultants. “We’ll turn that 'who is this?' into an LOL.” Basically having a bank of thousands of text responses that are slightly rude and funny. George Fox and I have been kicking this around for years.
(I am going to make an app where you're phone shocks you every time you try and drunk dial an ex.  Like, legit electrocutes you.)

7. What turns you on creatively, spiritually and emotionally?
 Humor. Wittiness.

8. What turns you off? 
People who are unable or unwilling to make fun of themselves.

9. What profession would you not like to do? 
Investment banker. No offense to my friends that are and make a really good living I’m sure. Also a professional mover. That would be hell.

10. If heaven exists what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? (stole this from Lipton)

The Proust questionnaire. He stole it from vanity fair. I think. Sort of.
I’d like him to say: you treated everyone fairly well. We have cold beer, good friends and a nice house band inside.  Come on in.

11. What social stigma does society need to get over? 
Sensitivity. On the one side it’s good that we are mindful and respectful of others. But people choose to fight unsolicited battles for other people vis a vis pseudo offensiveness etc. It waters down and makes their sentiment less effective. Pick battles. Two steps forward, one back. That’s how the world works. Idealism is nice on paper. But pragmatism wins every time.

12. If you were have someone, besides Morgan Freeman narrate your life, who would it be?
Lou Bega

Shep as a mental patient 
(I thought he was supposed to be an OBGYN, oops.)

13. What's your least favorite word?

A phrase- “we need to talk”

14. What's your favorite word?

Curable - best word in the English language.

And, that's all he wrote.  


PS. Catch Shep on Southern Charm, the show I tried out for but didn't get cast in (or is it casted?) It premieres April 5th and is highly entertaining! 

PMS.  Happy V-day, again.  Use protection tonight, especially if you're a Trump supporter.  JK*.  :)

*Not really